Valkyrie
by SageQueen
Summary: Women warriors always get the job done. Valkyrie Shepard is no exception, even if her feelings sometimes get in the way. Follows the Mass Effect 1 plot with some biotic & Shenko liberties. Bioware owns all. This is PART 1 of the tale of 'Valkyrie' Shepard
1. The Valkyrie

**Valkyrie**

(Valkyrie, Part 1)

* * *

_**Author's Introduction:**_

Thank you to all the awesome folks who've read, reviewed, and supported my fan fic.

This is the 1st story in an ongoing fan fiction about Lieutenant Commander Sophia (Kyrie) "Valkyrie" Shepard. The reason for the long name, plus many other aspects of her history and imperfectly paragon character are set up this volume, Valkyrie (which follows Mass Effect 1). The story then continues in Chosen of the Slain (which covers the time between games), and Valhalla (which covers Mass Effect 2, with flashbacks to earlier times).

**I have always been fascinated with female heroes. In my opinion, there are simply not enough kick-ass babes in the world of fiction. **

Mass Effect's Commander Shepard is one of my favorites female heroes, so I just had to explore what could possibly make such a person tick. If you know the game, you know this is one Shepard out of many, but it happened to be my favorite. I also like Norse mythology, so that was definitely an influence.

This story is also Shenko, meaning that Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko figures prominently - as he should. Thanks to the KAST (Kaidan Alenko Support Thread) for inspiration and encouragement.

BioWare owns Mass Effect and all aspects relating thereto. They set the stage; I just got to play with the sets and costumes. Enjoy.

-sage

* * *

_Chapter 1_

_(The Valkyrie)_

_

* * *

_

Lieutenant Commander Shepard gazed out of the observation deck window at the planet below. She could see the western coast of Earth from here, the curve of Alaska's archipelego all the way down to the islands north of the Puget Sound. Further to the south would be Seattle, that rainy city her parents had hailed from. She had never been there. This first visit to earth had afforded little time beyond a quick stop in D.C. There had been no time to go explore the other Washington, with its endless rainstorms.

Perhaps the next time she came to Earth she would make the visit. She loved rainstorms, after all. She had heard the ones in the west were soft and gentle, not at all like the flash floods that struck down every spring on Mindoir. There, the rains beat down from the sky in torrents and swelled the rivers. Those thunderstorms had been like an attack from nature herself, a reminder that the galaxy as a whole rarely tolerated life.

Shepard shrugged her shoulders and checked her omnitool for the time. Her private transport wouldn't be leaving for another half hour. She briefly considered getting a drink, but decided against it. She didn't drink often, and she wanted her wits about her when she reached her final desitation. As of yet, she still had no idea where this new ship of hers was being docked.

The whole mission gave new meaning to the word "classified." She remembered that just a week ago, she had been sitting down there on Earth in a hot, oak-paneled office room, staring across a large table at three somber-looking men. One of them she knew, the other two of she did not. Captain Anderson had apparently recommended her for some top-secret assignment he was on. He had been ready to accept her for the job right away, but she'd gotten a full interrogation from the other two.

_Your service to the Alliance is exemplary, soldier, but we have some concerns..._

_There was that little incident with the media a few years back, Shepard. We can't have public opinion turn against us on this one._

_We cleaned that up, Udina. That wasn't Shepard's fault._

Shepard shook her head._ If only they knew,_ she thought.

She continued to gaze out of the window, so wrapped up in her thoughts that it took her a second longer than usual to register that someone was approaching her from the bar. Looking at the reflection in the window, Shepard saw that the woman had a datapad in one hand and a recording-drone hovering over her shoulder.

The press_. Damn. Speak of the devil_.

Shepard looked towards the exit, but the woman had already reached her. And since Shepard couldn't just shoot her...

"Ms. Shepard?"

Shepard winced, then schooled her features into the most neutral expression she could manage.

"That's _Commander_ Shepard," she corrected, turning around and gazing down at the woman. She drew herself up to her full height, which, with the heavy boots added, was just under 6 feet. She narrowed her eyes in a manner meant to indicate that she was being professional, but was not amused. The woman didn't seem intimidated, in spite of the fact that she was a good half foot shorter than Shepard and had a body like a toothpick. Shepard figured she could snap the woman in half even without resorting to biotic powers.

"Khalisah Al-Jilani of Westerland News," the woman said, sticking her nose into the air. "I wanted to ask some questions."

Shepard gritted her teeth. She hadn't met the woman in person before, but she knew the name well enough. "I'm on duty," she said, turning to go.

"My sources say you're on a classified assignment," Al-Jilani said, stepping in front of Shepard.

"I'm always on a classified assignment," Shepard replied.

"Care to talk about it?"

"No," Shepard half laughed in replied. "If you really have 'sources,' Miss Al-Jilani, then go talk to them. I have nothing to say about my mission."

"Surely you have a moment to answer some questions."

"Not really."

"Come now," Al-Jilani said sweetly. "I would just love to interview the _famous_ Ms. Shepard, the former war hero who has been off the public radar for years now."

_Yeah, I just bet you would_, Shepard thought.

"After all," Al-Jilani continued, "the public has heard little about you recently – not since the rumors that circulated a few years back that perhaps Elysium wasn't quite the "victory" it appeared to be."

"You should know," Shepard said, turning to stare her down. "You were the one who wrote most of them."

Al-Jilani smiled. "I'm flattered. I didn't realize you'd read them."

"I like fiction."

The woman's smile faded. "My sources were quite reliable," she snapped. "After five years in the spotlight, it was time people learned the truth about you – and the Alliance."

"And they'll be getting the truth from you?" Shepard knew she shouldn't be engaging this woman at all, but she was having a hard time stepping away from the fight.

"Let's get our facts straight, Shepard," Al-Jilani said in a nasty tone. "Starting with your name."

_My name...?_

"Sophia Maria Shepard," Al-Jilani's voice was derisive. "I believe that is your full name, is it not? Though you are best known by your alias, 'the Valkyrie'. Where did that nickname come from, I wonder?"

"I couldn't say," Shepard said. Her nickname was well known. She had always assumed that it had been given to her on account of her looks. Blond and fair, her coloring was rare in this day and age. Added to that, she had a scarred face and different colored eyes: the left one was a muddy blue-green, the right, an eerie ice-blue. Her appearance usually unnerved people, and that worked for her – most of the time. It kept the younger male officers in their place, at least.

"According to Old Earth legends," Al-Jilani said, "the Valkyrie were half-mad creatures that rode on the backs of thunderstorms and dragged dying men off to the halls of the dead."

_Not quite how I'd have put it_, Shepard thought. _But close enough_.

"I can only assume I was given the nickname because I'm someone the enemy would rather not mess with. That's a good thing in my line of work, Miss Al-Jilani."

"So your friends call you 'Valkyrie'?"

_Friends?_ He friends used to call her "Shepard," but it had been a while since anyone had been that close.

"Given military protocol, I'm called 'commander'," Shepard replied. "You, Miss Al-Jilani, may call me 'ma'am.'"

"But you have _embraced_ the nickname," Al-Jilani pressed. "You are listed as "Valkyrie" in your file."

"My name is listed as 'Kyrie'," Shepard corrected, wondering where the woman was going with this. "That's public record."

The reporter narrowed her eyes, but she didn't back down. "So you did, in fact, give up your given name. Care to explain why?"

"Because 'Sophia Maria' sounds like a nun?" Shepard quipped. She instantly wished she'd kept her mouth shut, because Al-Jilani pounced on her words at once.

"I take it you're not much like a nun, then, Ms. Shepard?"

_Actually... _

Shepard forced herself to show no expression. She'd walked right into that one. _No point in going _there_, _she thought grimly. There was no graceful way to get out of that question. It might be the 22nd century, but it was still a "damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't" sort of topic.

"That's _commander,_" she bit out.

"I see." Al-Jilani continued to smirk. Shepard willed herself not to kill the reporter.

"If you're insinuating something, Miss Al-Jilani, just come out and say it."

"I merely wonder," Miss Al-Jilani said, "because your given names are the same as those of your mother and grandmother – both of whom were brutally murdered in the attack on the colony of Mindoir – the attack which, if reports are to be believed, has fueled your bloody vengeance against the batarians ever since."

_Oh, for God's sake_. There was no mistaking the last words. Shepard knew a thrown gauntlet when she saw one. Or heard one. Or whatever. She willed herself to remain calm. This woman hadn't been there. She hadn't seen the burning...

Shepard took a deep breath, the kind she usually reserved for lining up a sniper shot or unleashing a biotic kick, and stared down at her target.

"If those "reports" you're referring to are the ones that _you_ wrote, then no, those reports are not to be believed."

"However..." Al-Jilani began.

"Look, miss," Shepard said, glaring at the woman. "You can find everything you wish to know about Elysium in my service record." _Stick to the official line_, she thought. _That's the safest way. _"It's the the one with the Star of Terra pinned next to it," she added, helpfully.

"In spite of your medals, your service record is surprisingly well-classified, _Kyrie_."

"If you wish to make a story out of the fact that my name as listed in the Alliance database is different than my given name," Shepard said, "then I would point out that this is hardly newsworthy. If you wish to use that fact to imply that I have acted dishonorably in the line of duty, then that's a bit of a stretch." She let her voice take on a slightly patronizing edge, as if she was talking to a subordinate who needed correcting. "However, it's not at all a stretch to infer that a certain reporter who once got famous publishing lies about the Alliance's handling of the Blitz might find herself in a position to try and capitalize on slander once again."

"But you cannot deny that you killed over thirty batarian privateers on Elysium." Al-Jilani pressed.

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'pirates,'" Shepard corrected. "And the final number was closer to sixty."

"And did you or did you not torture surrendering prisoners?" Al-Jilani shot back.

Shepard blinked. _How the hell..._?

The sudden realization was bitter. _He_ had talked. It had to be. No one else had been there, seen her moment of weakness. After all this time, it shouldn't have the power to hurt her, but it did.

True to form, however, the pain just made Shepard fight harder.

"The POWs from that incident were dealt with in accordance with Alliance protocol," Shepard answered smoothly. _After I got done with them_, she added silently.

"So, what is this really about, Al-Jilani?" she asked, going on the offensive. Nothing like re-direction to avoid a flank attack. "Your last paycheck a little leaner than you'd like?"

Thankfully, the reporter got distracted by the bait. "You're considered a hero in the Alliance," Al-Jilani snapped, "but no hero is perfect. The Alliance got a lot of good press out of putting you up on a pedestal..."

"And you've made a hell of a career out of trying to knock me off of it," Shepard shot back. Okay, so that didn't come off quite as cool and collected as she'd planned, but damn it, this woman was pissing her off.

"You were a colony kid," Al-Jilani said, nearly spitting now. "You watched your whole family die. People like you have scars, Shepard, and they don't become heroes just like that. They take those scars undercover and they use them as a justification for carrying out their own agenda, betraying public trust and burning through public money in the process."

Shepard blinked in surprise at the reporter's outburst. Mentally, she took a step back. _Get under cover_, she thought to herself. _Re-evaluate the battlefield. This lady is out for blood, but she has a reason for it. She might be trying to do the right thing here_.

_Or she might just be a bitch_.

Still, the thought that Al-Jilani was doing this for reasons beyond her own career brought Shepard's short temper back under control.

"Did you have some particular incident in mind, Miss Al-Jilani?" Shepard asked, her voice softer now. "Or do you just have a bone to pick with the Alliance?"

"The Alliance is working on several secret projects using public funds and they won't tell the press anything about them," the woman said. "And while we're on the subject of 'classified,' how is it that you yourself have been off the record for the last seven years?"

"I've been on classified missions, Miss Al-Jilani. I prefer to avoid the spotlight. Fame just isn't my way."

"And yet you remain one of the most famous soldiers in the fleet, the poster child for the Alliance, as it were."

"An accident of fate, it would seem."

"Or a reward for your brutality on Elysium."

"I didn't ask for Elysium!" Shepard snapped, her temper finally flaring. The emotion manifested as a sudden blue flicker of biotic energy along the outline of her shoulders. Al-Jilani blinked and took a step back.

"I didn't plan to stand in the line of fire," Shepard said, forcing the energy back under control. "But in retrospect, I'm damn glad I held that line."

"And so you became 'the Valkyrie'," Al-Jilani said derisively, "but the Valkyrie of legend were hardly heroes."

"The Valkyrie were warriors," Shepard replied. "They didn't stand on marble pedestals like prissy Greek gods. They were women who walked the battlefields when no man dared to. You can call me a hero or a villain, if you want, Miss Al-Jilani, but I never promised anything more or less than to get the job done."

With that, Shepard turned on her heel and marched away.


	2. Mindoir

_Chapter 2_

_(Mindoir)_

_

* * *

_

_Damn, damn, and double damn._

Shepard flung herself into the seat of the transport and rubbed a hand over her forehead.

That had gone badly. Well, truthfully, it could have been worse, but it would have been much better if she'd just walked away. There was nothing like thinking about the Blitz to make her feel raw and nothing like listening to the press to piss her off. It was a hell of a combination.

She shifted in her seat and looked around the empty cabin. They'd spent good money to keep this mission under wraps, she thought. According to the pilot, he'd been ferrying people to some secret docking station all day. Apparently, the Alliance was bringing people from all over the place, via any number of stop-over stations. They didn't want too many people to be seen leaving for the ship at once, or all from one place.

The crew roster was classified, too – as executive officer Shepard still hadn't seen it. Shepard found it all very odd. Based on what the pilot had said, he'd transported far more people than was necessary for a shakedown run. It sounded like this new ship had a full crew.

With no one to talk to and no mission-information datapad to distract her from her thoughts, Shepard let her mind roam. The station faded from view as the shuttle pulled away, replaced by a view of Earth below. Shepard let her gaze settle on the Hudson Bay, shining bright blue against the greenish brown mass that was Canada.

_Such a big place_, she thought. _And yet, Earth's just a speck in all the galaxy_.

That was the wonder of space. You could fly past a nebula that was actively forming stars from billions of miles of dust or watch from orbit as electric storms churned the primeval ooze of a pre-garden planet; you could see radio readings of a star gone supernova or spent a day traveling from one system to another across a vast expasnse of vacuum. And for all of that, what it really came down to was people: just people, human and aliens, all trying to find a place in this galaxy to call home.

_Home._

Shepard frowned. She'd been thinking about home a lot lately. She didn't really have one any more, had sort of accepted space as her home, the job as her home. But her childhood on Mindoir had been on her mind a lot lately, and Elysium wasn't far behind. It was only natural that the reporter's words would bring them to mind.

_You were a colony kid. You watched your whole family die. People like you have scars, Shepard, and they don't become heroes just like that._

She hadn't become a hero just like that, she thought. She had begun by being just a normal kid. Then there had been smoke and fire. She still remembered coming to in a pool of blood, a screaming pain behind her ear. An Alliance officer had pulled the neural inhibitor out of her skull with one horrible wrench, then slapped a full pack of medigel on her head. She'd howled with pain, and a strange blue light had gone shimmering over her body.

"Damn," a voice had said. It was a womans' voice – human. Shepard had relaxed a little at that sound. "I can't believe this kid is still alive. Half her face is gone"

"Look at that batarian," a male voice replied. "There's nothing _left_ of his face. Did she do that?"

"How?" the woman replied. "The kid's got no weapon."

"She's got to be a biotic" the man said. "Look at that! See, she's still flaring."

"She's got no implants," the woman said. "They can't augment without them."

"Are you sure?" the man asked. "I mean, under stress, people do weird things."

Shepard must have moaned then, because the woman had leaned down to get close to her face. The woman was out of focus and blurry.

"Where's my mom?" she whispered.

"We're getting you out of here," the woman said. Either she hadn't heard the question, or she wasn't going to answer it. Either way, Shepard knew that was bad.

"Where is she?" Shepard pushed herself upright, realizing belatedly that something was very wrong with her bones. "Where is she?" she screamed.

"Sedate her, quick," the woman said. The man grabbed Shepard by the arm. She screamed, blue light flashed all around her, and something sharp and hot pricked her skin. The world began to fade, and she fell into darkness.

Shepard woke the next time in the medbay of a makeshift refugee camp. She'd broken almost all her bones and had lost her right eye. They grew a new one for her by using samples taken from her own DNA, though they hadn't quite gotten the color of her new eye to match the old. They'd taken the liberty of enhancing th vision in both eyes while they were at it. Her parents had been conservative and religious – they abhorred genetic manipulation and had refused to have their children altered in any way. It was part of the reason they'd left for a new life – going back to the old ways, they'd said.

Thanks to the slavers, Shepard didn't need glasses anymore.

After surgery, Shepard spent hours staring at her new eye in the mirror, feeling completely changed. There was no way she could go back.

_One eye from the past, one eye for the future_, she kept thinking.

After a long while, she decided in that as long as she was genetically modified as Frankenstein's monster, as long as she had survived and no one else had, that she might as well make it count. So she'd opted to serve. And the rest had been history.

Shepard rested her head on the seat back and closed her eyes, allowing the hum of the engines to calm her frazzled nerves.

At least she would be working with Anderson again, she thought. He didn't have a problem with her icy attitude, her troubled past, or her biotics. The fact that he trusted her so implicitly was a nice change from the usual nervousness that other elements in the fleet showed to her. Being a war hero and a biotic to boot tended to make people nervous. Thankfully, Anderson just took it in stride.

Shepard could only hope that her new crew would be as accepting as he. Otherwise, this was going to be a very _long_ trip.


	3. The Sentinel

_Chapter 3_

_(The Sentinel)_

* * *

Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stepped off of the shuttle, duffel bag in hand. He hadn't gone further than two steps when he stopped and stared. There she was.

The _Normandy_.

She was beautiful. Her clean lines spoke of maneuverability, and even from here, Kaidan could see that her engines were much more powerful than usually assigned to such a small ship. And she was a small ship. He hadn't counted on that. Small berths meant close quarters, which meant lots of people crammed together. And that meant more chances for his headaches to flare up. Crowds tended to do that to him. Kaidan frowned, then hitched his duffel bag onto his shoulder.

As he walked across the deck, Kaidan continued to admire the Normandy, her black and white hull looking rather simple and utilitarian. He wondered what she was hiding on the inside. What little he had heard about this mission was that for a marine interested in tech, this was the ship to be on.

Kaidan was so caught up in looking at the ship that he almost ran into a dock worker who appeared suddenly in front of him. He stepped back to avoid running her over, then paused as she deliberately stepped to the side to block his path. The woman stepped in closer than Kaidan expected and smiled up at him.

"Hi," she said, brightly.

"Ah...hi," Kaidan said. So quickly that he almost missed it, the woman flicked a glance over her shoulder. Kaidan followed her gaze and saw a small knot of people standing not far away. Before he could wonder what that was all about, the woman turned to him again and asked:

"Need help finding your way?"

"Ah." Kaidan blinked. "No." When the woman did not move, he added, "I think I can find the ship from here." The woman laughed. Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He hadn't meant that to be funny.

"You one of the crew?" she asked, looking up at him through her lashes.

"Uh, yes."

"So, hey," the woman said, taking a step closer. "Some friends of mine brought some drinks," she nodded at the group behind her. "We were going to open them in the staff room at lunchtime – kind of a launch celebration. Maybe you'd like to join us?"

"Thanks, but I can't," Kaidan said, looking over at the small group once again. He realized now that there were a few marines among the dock hands. He wondered, briefly, if those were soldiers assigned to the Normandy, or newly released to shore leave. Kaidan hoped the later – or if the former, that they all had the sense to get back onto the ship on time. He didn't much feel like writing up subordinates on his first day.

He looked back to the woman and found she was still looking at him. "I'll be on duty later," Kaidan clarified.

"I see," the woman said, looking him over speculatively. "Well, we could always go get a drink now – or maybe something a little...stronger."

Kaidan looked down at her, taken aback.

"Before you leave, you know," she winked meaningfully. "Something for the road."

Kaidan looked at the woman at first in surprise, but that quickly cooled to a clinical stare. She was pretty enough, he supposed. Average height, average build, average face and a _lot_ of make up. He felt like he'd met her before, he knew the type so well. There were plenty of girls like her that spent their time in docking bays hanging around after military men. For a moment he considered being polite, but something prompted him to say flatly:

"I'm a biotic."

The woman's face fell.

"An L2," Kaidan went on, noting with a sort of grim satisfaction the way her eyes widened and her jaw slackened. With all that lipstick on, her mouth made a big red O.

"Right," Kaidan said, not sure if her reaction amused him or bothered him. It certainly was exactly what he had expected.

"So which entrance is for the crew?" he said, when the woman simply continued to stare at him.

The woman didn't even answer him. She just pointed to the walkway on the port side of the ship dumbly.

"Thanks," Kaidan said. He hitched his bag onto his shoulder again and walked on.

_Typical,_ he thought to himself. People liked to think they were so open-minded until they actually dealt with something different – something complicated. And his life was certainly complicated. It was part of the reason he'd tried to simplify it over all these years.

It was funny, Kaidan mused as he left the dock worker behind. Most women he met were either vaguely terrified of biotic power or just interested in telling an interesting story to their friends – sometimes a little of both._ Guess what kind of guy I brought home last night?_ Kaidan had heard enough of that kind of talk around the mess hall to know he wanted to avoid being the subject of it. For all the gossip about biotics, most people had no idea what it was like to actually _be_ one – the control it required, hell, the _diet_ it required. Most of the time Kaidan felt more like an L2 machine than a human. A very touchy L2 machine, he amended, remembering how headaches had eaten up his last shore leave.

Kaidan considered the alternative and his frown deepened. Short flings with strangers in various ports of call was not his way either. He supposed most men would call him crazy – most women, too – but he had no interest in casual affairs that meant nothing and just left a guy feeling cold and vaguely used. He preferred his boring life to that mess, thank you very much. At least he was never the latest topic of gossip below decks. And at least he could still respect himself in the morning, even if he woke alone.

Kaidan waited in decontamination for the scans to finish, then stepped onto the Normandy.

_Impressive_.

Kaidan gazed around, momentarily distracted by the hum of the engines and the lights of all the systems consoles. This ship was far more than met the eye. He hadn't seen gunnery stations this advanced on any frigate, and here they were – six whole stations of them – on a ship a quarter of the size. A balding man greeted him, introducing himself as Presley. The older gentleman gave Kaidan a brief orientation to the crew deck, then handed him a data pad and then turned to gripe to another crew member about "damned turian construction." Kaidan had to ask for directions to his locker from one of the other crew. He picked up his duffel again and went downstairs to get into the elevator.

As the elevator descended slowly into the belly of the ship, Kaidan thought back to his last shore leave. It had begun promisingly enough – he'd met some childhood friends for drinks down at the local pub. He had nothing in common with them anymore than the fact that all of their parents now lived in Vancouver, but once those guys got drunk, it hardly mattered. They had all been talking as if they were best friends, staring at the dancers together, generally making fools of themselves.

Kaidan, on the other hand, had nursed his single beer, then called it a night when the flashing lights in the club had finally brought on a migraine he just couldn't ignore. He'd spent the next day lying in a hotel bed with the curtains drawn. That was becoming something of a bad habit. But if he hadn't been doing that, he doubted he would have done anything more exciting. Visit a museum, maybe? Check out the markets looking for omni-tool upgrades?

_God, I'm getting boring,_ he thought. With a self-deprecating laugh, Kaidan shook his head. It was better this way, it really was. He was happy with his life. If he didn't have so many headaches, things would be perfect.

_If you didn't have so many headaches you'd realize you were missing something._ The thought flashed through his mind and Kaidan frowned. He really didn't need to be brooding on this. He just needed to stow his gear, if ever he managed to reach the lower decks. The elevator was certainly taking it's sweet time.

When the elevator finally let him into the cargo hold, Kaidan stashed his gear and took a look around. The area was bigger than he'd expected: They actually had fit a Mako in here and had room to spare. This ship was certainly full of surprises. Kaidan returned to the elevator and took a long ride back up to the crew deck. He resolved never to get into that elevator again if he could help it. The thing had obviously been programmed by snails.

Kaidan found his assigned sleeper pod and checked the data pad for his bunk schedule. It seemed he'd be on the "day" shift – not that day or night meant as much out in space. He also saw he was assigned ground crew duties, which meant that sleep schedule might change at a moment's notice. Ground crew had to be ready for anything.

Kaidan packed the last of his personal effects into the locker by his assigned sleeper pod. To his dismay, the bed looked like one of the newer models. These things got smaller every year, he thought, frowning. Being just under six feet tall and broad-shouldered was an advantage in some situations, but small ships often had him wishing he was a more compactly built man. Still, it was part of the job, and so he dealt with it because he had to. Not unlike the headaches, in that respect, he thought.

Closing his locker, Kaidan looked around. There was no one in sight – not surprising given that the crew was likely taking advantage of being docked to get out and stretch their legs. From what he understood, they crew had been out testing systems all week, taking only short-range flights from the dock and back again.

Kaidan found own station near the sleeper pods. It looked like he would be taking over systems critical electrical and VI interfacing. Why they would put something that would need such constant maintenance near the sleeper pods was a classic case of military oversight, he thought. But then, first generation war ships were known for being deadly to enemies and completely uncomfortable for the crew. As least the lights were turned down low over here. It shouldn't bother his head too much.

Kaidan took a look at his station. Seeing nothing that needed attention right away, he turned his attention back to his data pad. He'd heard very little about this mission since Captain Anderson had recruited him. You didn't say "no" to such an officer, and you also didn't ask questions when the mission was so obviously secretive. Kaidan had been curious since he had transferred berths.

He glanced through his duties, then turned to the mission objectives. As Anderson had mentioned, the point of this shake-down run was to test out the stealth systems on this prototype ship – the Council had been behind the building of it, along with the Alliance. Kaidan could appreciate the need for secrecy in that case. There were all sorts of groups that would be angry over such a partnership. Still, he thought with a frown, it was strange Captain Anderson would be given such a mission. From what he knew of the man, the captain should be on the front lines, not testing the hardware on new ships. Shaking off a wonder that there might be more here than was being said, Kaidan went on to read the dossiers of the crew.

Looking down the list, Kaidan raised his eyebrows and gave a low whistle. The entire crew was top notch. He felt vaguely flattered at each entry. That he would be selected to join this team spoke volumes about what the Alliance thought of him. There was Jeff "Joker" Moreau. Everyone in the Alliance had heard of him. He was quite famous – or notorious, depending on your pay grade – for his skill and his attitude alike. The doctor he'd heard of – she'd been around forever and worked on nearly every major Alliance event. Navigator Presley had been in the Blitz, and then there was the executive officer, who was listed as a biotic.

Kaidan's eyes immediately went to the entry. It was rare that he served with biotics. The official line was that stable biotics were unusual, so the Alliance preferred to share the wealth, never putting more than one in each unit. Over the years, however, Kaidan had gathered that the real reason biotics were separated was that the Alliance brass didn't like the idea of biotics' energy patterns interfering with one another. They suspected it might hinder their abilities, upset their neural frequencies. At the very least, they wanted to know more about telekinetic powers before putting such soldiers side-by-side in combat. The brass found biotics unsettling enough without having them in commando-type units.

Kaidan couldn't blame them. He'd grown up in a school full of biotics and he knew that biotics in a group tended to get...moody. Having that much energy in one place was like putting a bunch of magnets near a compass. Everyone started spinning a little wilder. Biotic energies gave off a faint...well, hum was the best way Kaidan could describe it. All biotics were sensitive to mass effect fields, but only some could sense the fields generated by sources other than themselves. Non-biotics never seemed to notice such energy; weak biotics got a hint of it, but strong biotics, on the other hand, could usually read that tingling energy frequency pretty readily.

Of course, Kaidan thought to himself, that was hardly common knowledge. He knew that he could sense the energies of other biotics, but he'd trained himself to tune it out. Other biotics, especially strong ones, tended to jar him, like chatter on a comm. The weaker ones he could just ignore. He wondered which type the XO was. Kaidan looked again to the dossier:

_Lieutenant Commander Shepard._

That name sounded familiar, thought Kaidan couldn't place it right away. Curious, he read through the dossier. The commander was an L3, he saw. Well, that figured. The guy was probably a low-power biotic, just using his implants as a curiosity while relying on guns to do the heavy lifting. The only other thing the file said about him was...

Oh... Kaidan thought, his eyes widening. Right. Elysium.

Well, that certainly clarified things a bit. The commander had been the one who held the line in the Blitz, saving an entire colony – awarded the Star of Terra, if Kaidan remembered right. Though now that he recalled it, Shepard was a woman, wasn't she? He remembered seeing the vids: a tall, pale figure standing on stage among several admirals who had long since gotten a little paunchy around the middle.

It he hadn't been curious about their mission before, he certainly was now. If Anderson had picked this crew from the best the Alliance had to offer – and it seemed that the man had – then it looked like he was expecting something big to happen.

Though then again, Kaidan thought, just because these soldiers had impressive files didn't necessarily mean that they would perform as well in the field. He didn't mean to second-guess the XO before meeting her, but in his experience, he reserved judgment on commanding officers until he saw that their file matched their performance. After all, he had served with a few "war hero" types before and not all of them had been as competent in person as they had been in writing. And she was probably getting up there in years. The Blitz had been almost eight years ago, after all, and Kaidan hadn't heard much about her since that time.

A headache began to throb behind Kaidan's eyes. _That's what you get for reading in the dark, _he thought to himself. He shook his head, but the headache just started to grow. He pinched his nose, but it didn't help much. The headache felt like a big one, one that would probably land him in the med bay over there. _Great_, Kaidan thought. _Haven't even settled in and_...

"Sir?" An eager voice pulled him back to his surroundings. Kaidan raised an eyebrow and peered at the speaker from over his fingers. A tall, gangly young man stood before him. The kid wore a beret and an expression that could only be described as eager. He reminded Kaidan of a big, blue-eyed puppy. Having just read the dossier, Kaidan placed the kid at once.

"Corporal Jenkins?" he asked.

"That's right!" The kid positively beamed. "You remembered me!" He saluted enthusiastically.

"How could I forget you?" Kaidan asked, reaching over to shake the kid's hand. "I see you made it through that training without any more scars."

"I'm fine," Jenkins said, smiling. "Yeah, that was a stupid stunt, rushing you like that to see what you'd do..."

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head in spite of the headache. "Glad to see you haven't changed, corporal."

"So you're on this mission, too, huh? I've been here about a week," the kid spoke so quickly that Kaidan had to concentrate to follow him. "I got out to walk around, but then I just had to come back to the ship. We've got a link to the extra-net from here and Presley said I could use it when we're in port. He's the navigator, you know. He was one of the first frigates sent in to rescue Elysium, if you can believe that. I was asking him about it, but he said he needed me to go make a sweep of the ship – to see if the last of the crew has shown up. All remaining hands are due to arrive here today, you know."

_Presley was probably was trying to get rid of the kid, _Kaidan thought. His headache was now holding steady: painful, but not getting worse. Perhaps he could talk civilly for a while. He didn't want to brush the kid off. Jenkins was nice enough. And besides, as he'd just learned from his data pad, Jenkins was the other half of the commander's ground crew. It looked like Kaidan would be serving with this kid at his side. He could only hope that Jenkins had learned a thing or two from his last training.

"How many crew are on the ship?" Kaidan asked. Jenkins told him.

Kaidan blinked at the number. "Why are we fully staffed for a shake-down run?" he wanted to know.

"I dunno," Jenkins said with a shrug. "Presley was asking the same thing. I tell you what though, it's an honor to serve with you finally. I kept wanting to ask you about your biotics since you sent me flying. Is it true you're an L2?"

"Uh...yeah," Kaidan said. He was now beginning to wonder if he shouldn't just go get some meds after all. Then again, the headache was easing a little, and so...

"This is so awesome to work with a biotic," Jenkins told him, calling him back to the present. "Well, two biotics, really. But how is it you haven't split your hand open with...what do call it, Warp? I mean, how do you target just one thing? And how do you not throw your allies around when you're throwing the bad guys around? And why call it 'Warp' anyhow? Wasn't that slang for faster-than-light travel in the old vids?"

"I don't use Warp fields," Kaidan said, "I prefer to place hostiles in Statis and..."

Jenkins just kept going. "So you were part of that unit that saved the colony from those raiders, huh? Did you rip apart some pirates?"

"Which colony?" Kaidan asked.

"Right, there were several of them, huh? Sounds sorta like what the commander did. Only..."

"_Corporal_."

The kid froze suddenly at the sound of his title. Kaidan stiffened, recognizing not the voice, but the immediate tone of authority. Both he and the kid turned suddenly as Captain Anderson came striding over to them.

The kid snapped to attention at once. Kaidan stood to salute a little less quickly, loathe to take his hand from the bridge of his nose. It had been helping him keep the headache away. Anderson reached them and folded his arms behind his back. Kaidan thought he looked exactly as he did in all his vids: imposing, authoritative, and a little bit worn around the edges.

And then, so subtle Kaidan almost thought he was imagining it, he sensed something.

It was like – liquid fire, Kaidan thought. It felt like a flicker of energy, controlled, deliberately directed. Kaidan was so distracted by the sense of it that he noticed nothing else at first. Then he saw that that someone was walking behind Captain Anderson. Kaidan had a moment to register that if this was the biotic commander, then she was powerful for an L3, possibly one of the most powerful and controlled biotics Kaidan had ever met.

Then the mysterious biotic stepped into view and Kaidan's eyes widened in surprise.


	4. Biotics

_Chapter 4_

_(Biotics)_

* * *

She was stunning.

There was no other way to describe it. Kaidan had seen vids of her, so he recognized her at once, but the flickering holographs were nothing like the woman he now saw. She was much younger than he expected: in her late twenties at most. He realized she must have been very young at the time of the Blitz.

_Youngest recipient of the Star of Terra_ – the lines from the dossier suddenly sunk in.

_My God,_ Kaidan thought, _she must have been as young as Jenkins back then._

She was prettier than he had expected. Well, not...pretty, exactly. She wore no makeup, her hair was styled in a military-approved cut, though a little long, as if in need pf a trim. She was a blond though, and very fair. It made her look striking, if only because of the rarity of that kind of coloring. There was something a little strange about her eyes though, but he couldn't quite tell what in this low light.

But most of all, the commander had aura about her of authority and precision that made Kaidan feel as if he ought to stand a little taller. She herself was quite tall, almost the same height as he and she wore the requisite jumpsuit with her rank emblazoned on the right breast. N7, he noted. Special forces, top of her class. The tight fit left little to the imagination – not that his imagination hadn't completely taken off on its own.

Kaidan shook himself and looked up into her face. He hadn't even realized his gaze had trailed slowly down her body until it had reached her toes. Kaidan now found himself staring into eyes that seemed to glitter a little, as though an electric storm was gathering there. One elegant blond eyebrow raised slightly. And then the woman smiled.

It was just the slight curving of her mouth, as though she thought his perusal of her uniform was amusing. But there was also something in her expression, something strangely warm and – interested? The worker in the docking bay had smiled at him, but it wasn't even remotely the same. That worker seemed to be sizing him up as if for a snack. The commander seemed to be looking at him – actually looking at him: not as a soldier or even a biotic, but as a man.

And in that moment, she seemed to like what she saw.

Kaidan stared back at her, suddenly aware that his heart was pounding. He felt an unexpected flare of his biotics. A blue fire flickered over the hand he had raised in salute. He sharply dropped his arms and hid his hands behind his back, standing at attention.

_Damn. _He hadn't let his feelings control his biotics in...well, since he was a teenager, really. Something about this woman had completely thrown him off balance. Anderson and Jenkins hadn't seemed to notice, but the commander had. Kaidan watched her warily, wondering how she would respond to his slip.

Amazingly, the corner of her mouth quirked upward and a flicker of blue sparked in her right eye. A flare of biotic energy ran down her cheek like a tear, shimmered over her lips, then faded. Kaidan blinked. He had never realized that he had a thing for biotic women. Apparently he did, because he found that flare-up sexy as hell.

_Easy, Alenko._

"Shepard," Anderson said.

The woman suddenly stiffened. Kaidan watched as something like a mask slide over her features. The sparkle in her eyes faded and her slight smile dimmed. Anderson and Jenkins turned her; apparently they did not see the change. But Kaidan felt it at once, as though a bolt of lightening had struck down and then vanished. He sensed that the woman was now wearing her expression like armor, and he had to wonder if he hadn't just imagined that seeming interest of a moment ago.

"Let me introduce you to your ground team, Shepard," Captain Anderson said. "This is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."

"Lieutenant Alenko." The woman nodded, looking at him coolly. Her voice was surprising low, Kaidan thought. A commanding voice, but also a hard one.

"Ma'am," Kaidan rasped out, amazed his voice worked at all. When had his throat gotten so dry?

He reached out and shook her hand. She wore gloves of heavy synthetic fabric and Kaidan found himself thankful for that. Touching her bare skin might set off his obviously over-strained biotics in a most embarrassing way. As it was, a flare of biotic energy flickered between their fingers, sparking blue like a firecracker. Kaidan felt her energy all the way up his bare arm, as if she had caressed the inside of his wrist up to the soft skin under his elbow. He swallowed hard and willed himself not to flare in response.

"Wow!" Jenkins said. "No way! I didn't know that two biotics would..."

"This is Shepard. Corporal Jenkins," Anderson said, cutting the youth off. He watched in detached amusement as Jenkins eagerly stepped forward to pump the commander's arm up and down. "You know his uncle, of course."

"Of course," the commander said. "How is Rear Admiral Thomasin?"

"He's well, thanks," Jenkins beamed at her. "And it's an honor to meet you, ma'am," he looked down at their hands in disappointment. "That was wicked what you did to the lieutenant. I only wish you'd done that one me."

"That was unintentional," the commander said stiffly, her gaze flicking to Kaidan before looking back to the corporal. "Just...static." She let go of the corporal's hand let her hand fall to her side.

"It was awesome," Jenkins said. "Can you do that kind of thing from across the room?"

Kaidan took the opportunity to flex his hand gingerly. He could still feel the spark of the commander's hand, could still feel the pressure of her hand, too. The woman had a surprisingly strong grip.

_Well, what were you expecting, Alenko? She's a Marine, not a beauty queen._

"Biotics aren't Jedi" the commander told Jenkins with a slight laugh. The sound caught Kaidan off-guard. It was so...genuine, and it warmed her otherwise cold voice. Her returning smile completely transformed her face and Kaidan found himself staring at her once again.

"We can't mind-read or anything like that," she went on. "We've just developed the ability to manipulate dark energy. We're telekinetic, not telepathic"

Kaidan had to smile a little at that one. It sounded like she had given this mini-lecture as many times as he had. For all that human biotics had been around for a almost twenty years, people still never quite understood them.

"So you can't like...mind control people through some biotic Force, or anything?" Jenkins asked.

"No," she said. "Nothing like that. It's physical manipulation, not psychological. I have nodules – mutations, really – in my nervous system that allow me to generate and control dark energy."

Jenkins' eyes widened, but not in fear or shock, but in eager appreciation.

"I...and...Lieutenant Alenko too, of course," the commander added, nodding briefly at Kaidan, "can control the impulses in our nervous system. We use our own bio-electric power to spark off what are essentially small mass effect fields. With that shift in dark energy, we can then move objects."

"Or shred things," Jenkins added.

"Yes," she nodded. "Or set up gravity wells that pull everything in the room into orbit."

Kaidan stared at her. "You can do _what_?" he blinked.

"That's awesome!" Jenkins grinned, cutting off whatever the commander might have said in response. "So it's like...an extra hand?"

"Something like that," the commander said, smiling a little. "But like a hand, it just lifts things. It doesn't read minds."

True enough, Kaidan thought, still wondering about this strange skill the commander had mentioned. But what the commander wasn't telling Jenkins was that hands could feel as well as lift – and so could biotics.

Then again, Kaidan realized, maybe the commander didn't know that part of biotic powers. Many people did not.

All biotic individuals were sensitive to mass effect fields, could sense fluctuations in dark energy around and within their own bodies. And as the commander had said, this allowed them to manipulate energy and move objects with their mind and neural mnemonics. But some biotics – some very controlled biotics – could sense the fields and fluctuations generated by sources other than themselves. It required a great deal of control to make things move. It required even greater control to sense the biotic movement of others. And Kaidan's training had, in spite of its other flaws, made him unbelievably controlled.

Well, he amended, it had made him unbelievably controlled until today, when a certain biotic commander had set off his system a little. Still, for the most part, he was able to quiet his own energy to a degree that he could sense energy from other sources – other strong biotics, mass effect engine cores, even strong artificial gravity generators. But he knew this was an unusual skill, and one that tended to make people nervous. It did sound very close to mind-reading. Kaidan knew he was an anomaly and so he generally kept it to himself.

Briefly, Kaidan wondered if the commander could sense energies, too. Given her power, she was certainly strong enough, but she was probably too strong a biotic to be able to control that power entirely. After all, she'd sparked a reaction just touching him.

Then again, part of Kaidan's mind considered, maybe that was as unusual for her as it had been for him. Though what that would mean was...

He hastily pushed that thought aside. Biotics did flare with strong emotion. But looking at the stern face of the commander, Kaidan was willing to guess that she was not a woman given to such outbursts.

"So, you have implants in the back of your head, right?" Jenkins asked, craning as if to look at the back of her neck.

"I have implants throughout my body," the commander explained. "They're kind of like...wires, to help move things. What you're talking about is an amp."

She lifted her hair a little to show the kid the small device at the base of her skull. That surprised Kaidan. She certainly didn't have to indulge Jenkin's curiousity about this, and yet she was. Maybe, he thought, she wasn't quite as cold as he had first taken her for.

"The amp just pumps up the volume on the biotic output," the commander said, letting her hair fall back into place.

"Oh, so you can't just..." Jenkins mimed pulling something out of the back of his head, "switch out your implants."

"No," she said.

"Well," Kaidan said, his voice husky, "You could. But the surgery is pretty invasive."

"And risky," the commander added, looking at him for a moment. Kaidan found himself shifting his feet under her gaze.

"That's awesome," Jenkins said, looking from the one of them to the other.

"Well, if you're finished interrogating the commander, Jenkins, we need to be moving on," Captain Anderson said swiftly, stepping in to wave the commander along. "Come with me, Shepard, we have a Spectre to greet."

"A Spectre?" Jenkins' eyes lit up to glowing. "On this ship? He wasn't on the dossier."

"That's because officially, he's not here," Anderson said, cryptically. "Carry on Jenkins. Alenko."

"Sir," the two said in stereo, adding identical salutes. "Ma'am."

The commander nodded at them before turning to follow Anderson across the mess area and back to the stairs. Jenkins whirled around to grin at Kaidan.

"A Spectre! No kidding! I swear there was nothing about it on _my _data pad. Let me see yours."

Kaidan handed over the data pad, feeling as if he was still in a daze. For as the commander walked away, he could sense that ripple of energy receding with her.

"...Don't you think, LT?"

"What?" Kaidan blinked, staring at Jenkins in surprise.

"I said the commander is something else, isn't she? I can't believe we actually met someone so famous – on this crew, too. She's older than I thought, though. She must be almost thirty or something."

"Or something," Kaidan murmured.

"Man, I remember seeing her in the vids..."

As Jenkins happily chattered on, Kaidan inwardly shook himself. He wasn't at all sure what to make of the commander. She was young, and pretty, even if she was a little stern. But she had shown humor to Jenkins, even though she had been icy towards Kaidan. Her manner was puzzling, to say the least. The only thing Kaidan could really conclude about her was that she was an incredibly powerful biotic. Yet, even there, he thought, he wasn't sure just how powerful she was. Though when she'd flared like that...

Just as she reached the stairway, the commander turned and caught Kaidan's eye. Nothing changed in her expression at all: it was still cold as before. And yet, even as her eyes remained impassive, a flash of blue energy flickered in her eyes. Kaidan felt his heart start to race.

_Oh God,_ he thought, looking at her in a completely new light. _She's...attractive._

_Put it aside, Alenko, _he thought wildly._ You really don't need this right now. _

Then she disappeared out of sight and Kaidan found himself staring at the spot where she had been a moment before.

He swallowed hard.

_Alright, Alenko_, he thought, trying to put it into perspective, _nothing happened._

At least, nothing had happened that he couldn't explain away. He'd met his commanding officer, he'd had a slight...reaction to her biotic powers. It wasn't surprising, given that he hadn't worked with biotics in a while. And maybe she'd had a reaction to him for the same reason. Although maybe...no, he thought. He really couldn't imagine that this...whatever it was...went both ways. She clearly just...

Kaidan shook his head. He didn't want to go there, didn't want to assume things about a woman he didn't even know. _A woman who is your commanding officer_, a small voice reminded him.

_Exactly_, he thought. He was just curious about the commander, that was all. And his growing admiration of her was clearly based on his appreciation for her service record and abilities. He also felt quite a bit of relief there that she was N7 and obviously an active soldier, not some washed-up officer waiting on her retirement.

_So that's it then,_ Kaidan thought to himself. _Nothing__ happened between me and Shepard_. _Nothing at all._

And Kaidan realized he'd started calling her 'Shepard' in his head, instead of "commander."


	5. Candidate

_Chapter 5_

_(candidate)_

_

* * *

_

_What the hell is __wrong __with me?_

Shepard nodded politely at the introduction to Nihilus, the turian spectre, but her mind was completely elsewhere. Thankfully, after the Blitz, she had learned to look interested, listen with one ear, and say something appropriately quotable when asked a direct question. It was part of what made her such a successful solider and officer. Over the years, she had developed an unflappable professionalism that she had come to rely on as though it were a second armor. But somehow, she wasn't quite able to focus today.

She'd been working too hard. That was the only explanation for it. Because when she'd come around the corner and seen _that_ man and _those_ eyes.

Shepard shook herself inwardly, then nodded at the captain's description of the Normandy's defenses. She had read up on all of this the moment she'd been handed her data pad. Apparently, Nihilus wasn't one for reading up on his missions at all, because he'd set the datapad aside and asked the Captain to fill him in. Anderson was doing so with his usual politeness, but she could tell the exercise annoyed him. _Silly turian_, Shepard thought. _Not reading up on the mission is just a recipe for disaster._

Then again, Shepard had to admit that the information from the data pad hardly gave the full story about this ship or crew. She'd been ill prepared to meet the lieutenant, for example. She'd read Alenko's file, of course. As soon as Anderson handed her the dossier, she had skimmed over the names, paying a little more attention to the L2 biotic in the list. She'd always been intrigued by L2 biotics. The power was impressive, though she had to be grateful she'd been fitted for implants later, when models with less complications were available.

Shepard had read Alenko's file, and so she thought she knew what she was getting into. After all, she'd worked with many good soldiers before. And Shepard took pride in the fact that she was good at leading a sqaud. She had a knack for seeing the potential of each soldier, the potential of the terrain and the threat of the hostiles involved. There were a lot of things that she was not good at, but making sure each member of her squad was where they ought to be was something she had a gift for. It was a good thing, too. It had saved her life and the life of the people under her command on many occasions.

When she arrived on the Normandy, Shepard had followed Captain Anderson below decks to meet her ground team. She figured she'd size them up and perhaps get to know them a little. The corporal she could peg in a heartbeat: he was untried, but likely to go far if he could live past his impulsive ways. But that Kaidan...

No, she couldn't think of his as that. He was the lieutenant. At any rate, he had completely surprised her.

_But what a nice surprise it was._

Shepard's lips hardened into a thin line. It was that steady power that had done it, she decided. Most biotics were either a flickering hum or a raging knot – too weak or too erratic to feel comfortable around. Bitoics had a tendency to give off a little static, and Shepard had learned to read it over the years. She didn't know of anyone else who could do the same, however, so it was a talent she kept to herself. She thought she had grown accustomed to every type of biotic energy out there.

But Kaidan – the lieutenant – his power had a kind of hum to it: strong and solid – like a sun-warmed rock that you just wanted to lay down and rest on.

_Where the hell did _that _thought come from?_

Shepard frowned. She was _not_ fanciful. Nor did she make a habit of staring at the male crew members attractions. Kaidan – the lieutenant – was handsome, but then, many Marines were. Of course, she reminded herself, he was also a biotic and that was intriguing. She found herself wondering if the rest of him was as solid as his energy patterns.

_Okay, Shepard,_ she told herself. _You need to stop. Now._

She took a deep breath. She did. She needed to get a grip.

But damn it, how was she supposed to have prepared herself for _that_ kind of an upset? She bit the inside of her lip as Nihilus began telling Anderson how the Alliance had clearly messed up some of the modifications of the original turian design of the ship. Anderson didn't sound too pleased to hear the alien's opinions. Shepard found it annoying too, but her mind was still drifting elsewhere.

The trouble was, she thought, Ka – the _lieutenant _– had done something to his powers in some way. He had hidden them or something. She hadn't even noticed his biotics until she had been standing right in front of him and he had flared at her. In that instant, she realized that the very handsome man who had been staring at her breasts must be the L2 biotic. So instead of being annoyed at him, she instead found herself wondering what kind of man he was, and if he was in a habit of checking out his commanding officers like that. Given the way he had blushed, she guessed that he probably was not. His bashful smile had suddenly charmed her, taken away the sharp retort that had sprung to her lips.

So when he had suddenly flared at her, God help her, she'd flared right back at him.

And that was completely ridiculous, Shepard thought with a scowl. She hadn't even _realized_ that she was flaring at him – or _smiling _at him, for God's sake – until he'd given her that utterly surprised look. It was embarrassing, and Shepard was not a woman who was easily embarrassed. She'd had problems with keeping her biotics under control in the past, but hell, you'd think that almost ten years of constant practice would count for something. Apparently not. Or, apparently not so far as the lieutenant was concerned. Because when she'd shaken his hand, she had certainly felt a flicker of his energy as though he was touching her right through her armor. It felt incredible.

Shepard let out a breath. She had worked with biotics in training scenarios before, and had never encountered anything remotely like that. And so she had flared in a way that only non-biotics like Jenkins would ever actually mistake for mere static. She only hoped that the captain hadn't realized what that was – or that he wouldn't read anything into it. Most of all, she hoped that she hadn't completely lost the lieutenant's respect.

Shepard stiffened at the thought. As the XO of a ship like the Normandy, she'd been given a high honor that required the fullest degree of professionalism that she could bring to the job. The biotics had caught her off guard. That was all. And now that she knew what kind of energy she was dealing with, she would be prepared for it next time. She would establish her authority with the lieutenant at the first possible opportunity, maintaining a friendly, respectful, and above all, _professional_ working relationship. After all, she reminded herself. She was Kaidan's commanding officer. She didn't have any business thinking of him like...that.

_Though you certainly were thinking of him like that._ She thought. _You're still thinking of him by his first name._

Shepard frowned. She was.

Shepard gritted her teeth. This was ridiculous. She was not in the mood for this. And even if she was – which, of course, she was _not_ – she had to set it aside. She did not want to give her subordinates reason to disrespect her nor give the captain reason to think that she was unfit for command. And as for fraternization...

Shepard stopped short, horrified that the thought had popped into her head. It had been a long time since it had even occurred to her that she might want to cross that line.

_Not now_, she told herself. _And not him_.

Unfortunately, she thought ruefully, the lieutenant was _exactly_ the kind of man that she preferred.

* * *

"So," Anderson said, turning to the turian, "What do you think of her?"

"She seems...distracted," the alien replied. His small green eyes narrowed and he glared at the door, as if he could see Shepard walking away from the comm room.

"She's tired," the captain told him. "She had a long day."

"Long days are a matter of course in the Spectres," Nihilus replied. The captain acknowledged that with a nod and clasped his hands behind his back.

"Still," Nihilus added. "Her service record is impressive. If it were known what she has done over the past few years..."

"That's all classified," Anderson told him. "Officially, she never went on those missions."

"Her ability to work discreetly is in her favor," the turian said. "My only concern is for her..." The turian broke off, his plated mandibles flaring a little on either side of his mouth.

"History?" Anderson suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"Morals," the alien finished. "She appears, by all accounts, to try and save every innocent life she can."

"Yes," Anderson said, "That's why I chose her for the crew."

"Sacrifices have to be made in the field," Nihilus said. "Spectres often have hard choices to make. After all, we are the ones who deal with the missions that the Council cannot sanction or acknowledge. I wonder if a decorated _war hero_," he said the words almost in a sneer, "will be able to make ugly decisions when the time comes."

"Shepard has made a career out of avoiding ugly decisions in the first place," Anderson told him. "She finds the best way out, not the easiest. She's lost soldiers under her command – civilians, too. It wasn't her fault, of course. But she's no stranger to the darker side of the galaxy."

"I wonder," Nihilus said. "I see a softness in her."

"Then you're one of the few who does," Anderson replied. "They call her 'the Valkyrie' for a reason."

"I'm unfamiliar with that term," Nihilus said with a one-shouldered shrug. "It doesn't matter. She is still a good candidate – courageous, tactical, clever. And if she can fight as your reports say..."

"She can."

"You humans are impressive, Anderson," the alien said, lifting his chin. "When I first saw Shepard, she was not at all what I expected. Such a thin, soft-looking female, all pink and fleshy. And yet, she has taken so many lives."

"Hard to believe it," Anderson said, shaking his head a little. "Of course, she's saved even more lives."

"So you say," Nihilus mused. "Very well, I'll take her on. I only hope she lives up to our expectiations."

"So do I," Anderson agreed. "So do I."


	6. Joker

_Chapter 6_

_(Joker)_

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* * *

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"Alenko! Buddy!"

Jeff "Joker" Moreau held out a hand to the lieutenant as he came walking in to the cockpit.

"I heard you were assigned to this mission. Ready to shake this ship down?"

"Nice to see you, too, Joker," Kaidan replied. He started to grab Joker's hand in the rough handshake typical of the Marines, then caught himself. Shepard could handle his grip, but he knew Joker could not. The helmsman had Vrolick's Syndrome, brittle bone disease. Though Joker had never told Kaidan this, Kaidan had heard the rumors shortly after meeting the guy. Kaidan paused awkwardly, then lightly tapped Joker on the arm by way of greeting.

"So we're finally working together?" Kaidan asked.

"At long last," Joker replied, seeming not to notice the lieutenant's maneuvering. "'Bout time, huh?"

"Heh," Kaidan said. "I figured I'd get stuck with you eventually."

"Gee, thanks," Joker said. "More like _me_ stuck with _you_. Hey, long as you're up, can you re-configure that navigating station over there? Idiots were thinking I'd be jumping out of this chair or something when they separated the interfaces. I've been complaining all week and no one's done a damn thing about it."

"Sure thing," Kaidan said. He opted not to point out that with any other helmsman, getting out of the chair occasionally would be considered a matter of routine. He knew the guy well enough to know that there were some things you just didn't tease him about.

"So what do you think of the crew?" Joker asked as Kaidan settled himself into the chair to Joker's right. "They all here yet?"

"Yeah, they're all here," Kaidan replied, trying not to think overmuch about one officer in particular. "The last one arrived over an hour ago." Kaidan eyed Joker askance. "Wait a minute. You've been on this ship for over a week. You didn't bother to go meet anyone?"

"Huh?" Joker looked up from his screen. "What? I met a few. Look, if they wanna meet me, they can come up here. If they don't, I don't care." He shrugged.

"Right," Kaidan nodded. He sensed this might be an uncomfortable line of questioning. Then again, maybe Joker really didn't care if he was stuck up here away from the rest of the crew. Either way, Kaidan decided to change the subject.

"Been working much?" he asked.

"Every damn day," Joker said happily. "Last mission was on a cruiser – big ol' boat – but they pulled me almost two weeks ago to come get a handle on this baby. Took me just one day to fall in love." He smiled and patted the armrest of his seat. "Took me about two days to get the hang of her. She's _that_ tricky to fly. Good thing they called me in. Anyone else would still be learning the ropes."

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. Joker was just as cocky as he remembered.

"So what have you been up to since tech training?" Joker asked. "Special assignments and all that?"

"Yeah," Kaidan replied, "I..." He broke off as a shimmer of energy flickered across his consciousness. He might have likened it to seeing something out of the corner of his eye, only he didn't see anything exactly. But he knew what it was right away. Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw her.

_Shepard_.

She was standing near the CIC, arms rigid behind her back. Before her, Navigator Presley was talking to her, gensturing wildly as he spoke. Shepard barely batted an eyelash. _Damn_, Kaidan thought, watching her stand so stiff and formal. She certainly was a cold one.

But then, for the briefest moment, Kaidan got the distinct impression she was watching him. Then he blinked and saw she was still looking at the navigator. Kaidan shook his head. He must have imagined it.

Kaidan frowned. This whole attraction to...no, not attraction. This _awareness _of Shepard was very strange. He had never in his life been able to sense another biotic from such a distance. His powers of observation must be getting stronger. Or Shepard was a stronger biotic than he'd ever met. Or both. Or he was watching out for her.

Best not to dwell on that last one, he thought. Kaidan turned back to the control panel to find Joker staring at him. The helmsman's face was pinched into something like a grimace.

"What. The _hell_. Was that?" Joker asked, breaking the sentence down for emphasis.

"What was what?"

"Alenko, I may not be much of a people person," Joker said, "But I know what it looks like when a guy is checking out some chick."

"That "chick" is our commanding officer," Kaidan informed him.

"So it _was_ the commander you were staring at just now."

"Ah..." _Damn_. He'd run headlong into that one.

"How long has it been since you had a real shore leave, man?"

"You really want to go there, Joker?" Kaidan said lightly. "I mean, if the rumors about your extranet accounts are true..."

"Alright, alright," Joker growled. "Stare at whatever ass you like, just don't do it around me. Ugh. You people who _walk_ with your...checking out asses and stuff." He shuddered.

Kaidan had to laugh. He'd been caught in the act of staring at Shepard, it was true, but Joker had a way of making it all sound humorous. That was what Kaidan liked about Joker: the helmsman had the uncanny ability to turn even the most serious situation into something you could laugh about later.

Kaidan remembered how Joker had been one of the few people in training who hadn't taken one look at him and then walked away. Kaidan had heard the whispers: _If he's got biotics, then why is he studying tech? Can't he just blow the enemy up?_ But Joker had plunked himself down in the chair next to Kaidan's that day and talked Kaidan's ear off for the next three weeks. Kaidan supposed it was because both he and Joker knew what it was like to be something of an Alliance misfit.

"Joker," Captain Anderson's voice sounded on the comm. Joker jumped a little in his seat.

"Sir?"

"It's time to hit the Charon relay. Are all systems ready?"

"Been idling for over an hour now, sir," Joker said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "Do we finally have enough crew members on board for you?"

Kaidan shook his head. Only a pilot as good as Joker could get away with talking like that to an officer like Anderson.

"Get us moving, Joker. You know the coordinates."

"Aye, aye, sir," Joker said. Kaidan glanced over at him in curiosity.

"So where are we going?"

"Bah, not allowed to say," Joker said, tapping virtual keys on the VI interface before him. The walls seemed to pitch slightly as the momentum dampeners kicked in, marking the shift between using the station's artificial gravity and that of the ship's. "We'll be there soon enough."

Kaidan paused in his configuration of the station before him and turned to gaze out of the starboard bow. The docking bay ceiling seemed far too close for one second, then they were out into the vast expanse of sky. The stars glittered coldly up above. Below, Kaidan could only see the faintest crescent outline of Earth below.

"Alright," Joker said. "Coming up on your left is Mars, known for its ruins and not a hell of a lot else. And to your right..." Kaidan chuckled as Joker gave a running commentary of the solar system as they passed. The ship sped by Jupiter, Neptune, then picked up speed as they left the planets behind. The ship's kinetic barriers flickered to life as they reached the termination shock. Comets and debris abounded out here, but Joker slipped through the rocky maze with an uncanny grace.

They soon reached the demoted planet of Pluto. Where its moon had once been was now something else entirely. The frozen ice of Charon had, over twenty years ago, been thawed to reveal a dormant alien machine inside. Using that incredible technology, the human race had jumped into the vast network of point-to-point mass relays that connected all the space-faring races of the galaxy. They had thus discovered that the human race was not alone in the galaxy, and soon passed beyond their own solar system and out into the unknown. To Kaidan's eyes, the mass relay looked like a great glowing needle, pointing out to any one of many possible journeys.

"Hitting the relay in three, two, one..." Joker counted down as he directed the ship into the giant structure's rotating hub. There was a pulse of energy, a flash of light, and then the ship was drifting in empty space once more.

"Systems, check. Navigation, check..." Joker ran down the list of functions, smugly noting that nothing was out of place. Nihilus nodded curtly and left. Kaidan turned with some surprise. He had been so distracted by watching the jump that hadn't even noticed that Shepard and the turian Spectre had come to stand behind the pilot's chair.

"I hate that guy," Joker muttered to himself as Nihilus walked away.

"Nihilus gave you a compliment - so you hate him?" Kaidan asked, raising an eyebrow. As he looked at Joker, he couldn't help but let his eyes rest on Shepard. She didn't even glance Kaidan's way. She was looking at the view of the stars, her expression inscrutable.

"We're in the Exxodus Cluster, if you couldn't tell," Joker told him. "Twenty minutes out from Eden Prime and I have _no_ idea what a Spectre would want with that colony. Just another reason that I don't think..."

"Status report," Captain Anderson's voice barked from the comm. Joker stopped his grumbling about Nihilus to relay the systems information to Anderson. And Kaidan took the opportunity to watch Shepard from the corner of his eye. She still hadn't moved and her face still showed no emotion. Kaidan also felt that she was controlling her biotics very closely now. They were little more than a low hum. That surprised him, for it meant she had a lot more control over her powers than he had first thought. Very few biotics could do that. It was...intriguing.

Kaidan frowned and turned his head away. _Intriguing_ was a distraction at best, a liability at the worst. He really didn't need these kinds of thoughts running through his head right now. His career depended upon getting along with his commanding officers and keeping things professional and above board. Shepard was fascinating, sure, but he needed to get his interest in check. And he would do just that, starting now.

"Tell Anderson, I'm on my way," Kaidan heard Shepard say. He looked up to see her turn and walk away. As she headed back down the crew deck towards the CIC, Kaidan realized that her jumpsuit looked just as good from the back as from the front.

_What was that about getting your interest in check? _

Kaidan winced and turned around just in time to see that Joker was staring at him, frowning.

"You gonna make that a habit?" the helmsman asked.

"Uh..."

"She's gonna toss your sorry ass across the deck, Alenko. That woman has a reputation."

"Really?" Kaidan could not help asking. "How so?"

"I heard that the last guy who tried to get fresh with her ended up in a medbay."

"A medbay?" Kaidan asked, doubtfully. "That sounds a little extreme."

"Apparently the guy didn't take no for an answer," Joker said. "Tried to corner her when no one was around and got his ass busted by her biotics."

"Sounds like he got what was coming to him," Kaidan muttered. Jackasses like that made him furious. They gave all Marines a bad name. He felt oddly glad to hear that Shepard had given at least one such idiot something to think about.

"Maybe so," Joker shrugged. "Still, Shepard is known for being deadly to people who piss her off."

"Then I won't piss her off," Kaidan replied evenly. Joker snorted.

"She doesn't seem the sort to fly off the handle at just anything," Kaidan observed. He knew he really shouldn't be indulging in gossip like this, but curiosity was getting the better of him.

"She's not, from what I hear," Joker said, twisting his head around to see her chatting up Doctor Chakwas. "I had a buddy who worked with her once. Said she's a good officer, someone you never question. But she's not someone you mess with. She was all cold as ice until one day, he saw her in action and damn it if she didn't rip some slaver a new one."

"What did she do?"

"What didn't she do? The guy lived, apparently. Ended up in a turian jail. Bet the poor bastard probably wishes she'd killed him."

"Hmm..." Kaidan turned his attention back to the monitor, before he started asking for even more information about the XO. Less than three hours ago, he mused, he didn't even know who Shepard was. Now he was indulging in scuttlebutt just to find out a few scraps of information about her. This wasn't at all like him, he thought.

But it was because she was a biotic, he told himself – and a war hero. It was curiousity, pure and simple. He just wanted to know if she'd be a good officer. As soon as he got used to working with her and things fell into a routine around the ship, he wouldn't be so interested.

_You've been telling yourself a lot of bullshit today, Alenko, _he thought.

Kaidan frowned and turned his attention back to the monitor. In a few short minutes, he got it set up so that Joker could access the systems from his own VI panel.

"Thanks, buddy," Joker said. "I could have done it myself, but I'm sorta busy."

"Yeah right," Kaidan snorted. "My tech has always been better than yours."

"You'd like to think that, but I..." Joker broke off and frowned. "What the hell?"

"What?" Kaidan had stood. Now he bent over Joker's chair as a video distress call flashed on the screen.

"Get down!" The blurry image of a marine filled the screen. The woman shoved the camera to the ground and aimed an assault rifle at the sky. Sounds of gunfire and screams echoed over the comm.

"We are taking heavy casualties!" the message scratched out. "Repeat, heavy casualties!" The image flickered between the marines and something else – some strange something that filled the screen. It looked like a ship, the way it hovered in the air, only it was like no ship Kaidan had ever seen. Just to look at it set every hair on Kaidan's neck standing on end.

"Shit," Joker hissed.

"Send it to the captain," Kaidan commanded, going into superior officer mode at once. "That feed is coming from Eden Prime."

"Yeah," Joker said, looking a little shaken. "Yeah, you're right." He hit the comm button. "Captain, you'd better see this..."

As Joker fed the video to the screen in the comm room at the other side of the ship, Kaidan turned at once to go.

"Where do you think you're going?" Joker called after him.

"Suiting up," Kaidan called back. "If they send in a ground team, then Shepard's going to need me."


	7. Beacon

_Chapter 7_

_(in which the Eden Prime mission ends badly)_

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"Perimeter secure, commander," Kaidan said, reaching up under the visor of his helmet to pinch his nose. Shepard looked at him, frowning.

"You gonna be okay, lieutenant?" she asked, doubtfully. "I can't have you..."

"I'll be fine," he told her, letting his hand drop. He winced internally at her implied reprimand. He knew his abilities, his limitations. And he also knew that once he got moving, the biotic exercise almost always burned off the headaches. But of course, he realized, she didn't know that. She knew nothing about him except that he was an L2, and that was hardly a recommendation of his competence to most people.

Kaidan eyed Shepard. She hadn't exactly recommended her competence to him either, however. She was wearing nothing more than her light jumpsuit for a start. While he knew he could toss on a pretty impressive biotic barrier over his own light armor, he wasn't sure if she could do the same. And then, when looking at the entire arsenal in the cargo bay, Shepard had pulled out a single pistol, checked the sights, and placed it at her hip.

"Aren't you going to take something else, commander?" Jenkins had asked, himself strapping on a shotgun, assault rifle, pistol, and sniper rifle, just in case.

"Yeah," she said, grabbing a handful of grenades one by one and notching them into place on her belt. "These."

Kaidan himself preferred a pistol, but he always had a second gun handy – usually an assault rifle. While current gun tech made bullets endless, it struck him as madness to him to take just one gun into a battle.

And it looked like there would be a battle. As the commander led them across a rocky landscape, Kaidan could smell smoke and something like burning meat in the air. He knew what that meant, even before they rounded the corner and saw the charred bodies.

"Oh God," Jenkins murmured. "What happened here?"

"Down," Shepard said, her voice so forceful that it was almost like a hand. Kaidan and Jenkins both crouched without question. Shepard herself crept forward, low to the ground.

"What is it?" Kaidan whispered into the comm. He saw nothing on his suit's holographic display. The radar was clean.

"Not sure," Shepard whispered back. "But I can..." She broke off, peering around the corner.

"Something isn't right here," she said at last. "Go carefully – and go slow."

"I'll take point," Jenkins said, a little too loudly to Kaidan's ears.

"No," Shepard told him. "I've got point. You get behind those rocks, and give me backup." Jenkins nodded. "Stay low," she said. "Move out."

Jenkins began to walk forward, Shepard hissed at him to stay low. But then, suddenly, she started, then squinted at the horizon. Her head whipped back to Jenkins and she reached out a hand to him.

"Get down!" she cried. The young man turned to her, his eyes wide with surprise.

"Down!" she cried again. She threw a biotic pulse at him to knock him flat, but he had already started to charge the things that had come flying over the hill. The drones opened fire on the youth and he couldn't get his assault rifle up fast enough to shoot back.

"No!" Kaidan cried, reaching for Jenkins.

"Get back!" Shepard shouted at him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him against her. She practically slammed him into the rock she'd taken cover behind. Kaidan listened helplessly as Jenkins' cries stopped suddenly. Shepard held his arm in a killer grip. Still holding him, she glared at him, saying coldly, "Drones."

Kaidan looked at her, still dazed from where his helmet had hit the rock, jostling his skull. The commander was entirely alight with a biotic barrier, her fierce face half-hidden by a swirling veil of crackling blue energy. She turned suddenly, drawing her pistol up and shooting one of the drones cleanly in the middle. A shower of sparks rained over them, bringing Kaidan back to the present.

He checked his suit's computers for targets, then pulled on a biotic barrier of his own. Swiftly, he stepped out of cover and fired his assault rifle right into the charging drones. Shepard fired two more shots and the last of the drones dropped. Kaidan turned to Shepard at the same time she turned to him. Both of their bodies were alight in biotic fire – both of them stared at each other for one long, stunned moment. Then Shepard's barriers dimmed. Kaidan felt his energy falling as well. He swallowed, realizing that in the space of thirty seconds, absolutely everything about their mission had changed, and there was no going back. Kaidan snapped his gaze from Shepard's and stumbled over to Jenkins' corpse.

"Damn it," Shepard whispered, coming to stand behind him. If she hadn't been hooked up to his comm link, Kaidan wouldn't have heard her. He took Jenkins' pulse, closed his eyes, then pronounced him dead.

_What a waste_, Kaidan thought, his mind gone clinical and detached at the sight of such a young man cut down before his life could even really begin. It wasn't right, but he couldn't let himself feel right now. There was no way to undo what had happened to Jenkins. There was no going back, he told himself, just forward.

Shaking his head, Kaidan looked up at Shepard. Her eyes were fierce, angry, but Kaidan saw them fill with tears as well. She told him they needed to keep moving – the usual thing that a commander was expected to say. Her voice was cold, and Kaidan thought he heard both disgust and sorrow there. It completely mirrored his own feelings. Shepard looked down at Jenkins once more, then looked Kaidan in the eye.

"Don't you _dare_ get killed on me, lieutenant," she told him. He blinked at her strange command, then nodded firmly.

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he replied. "So long as you do the same."

She lifted her chin, then nodded. "Done," she said. Strangely, she held out her hand to him. Kaidan blinked at it, then shook it. This time, the residual biotic flares along her arms were warm reminders that he had one other person with him to get through this mess. He felt a sudden - hope, really, though he wasn't quite sure what that hope was based in or why.

"Move out," Shepard commanded. Kaidan fell into step behind her.

_Less than a minute and everything has changed_, he thought again. Together, barriers raised, the two soldiers carefully made their way up the rocky hill.

_

* * *

_

"Shepard!" Kaidan cried, reaching for the her.

"No! Don't! It's too dangerous!" Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the Eden Prime 212 grabbed him by the shoulder and held him back. Kaidan resisted the woman for a moment, fighting to reach for Shepard, then let his arm fall slack as he stared in horror and awe at his commanding officer.

She was supsended in the air before him, arms out, feet down, hanging there like a crucifix. The beacon before her glowed, it's mass effect field distorting the air before them. Kaidan clutched his head at the sudden onslaught of energy around him. It was like someone was screaming, or some_thing _was screaming, for it didn't sound at all human. He could feel the beacon's pull, strong and dark, a vortex whirling straight down into the mouth of hell.

And Shepard was caught in that mouth.

Kaidan watched helplessly as she gasped for breath, as she fought to turn away. The screeching grew unbearable. And then, just he was sure it would break her, there was a flash. The beacon exploded. A shower of sparks rained down on them and Shepard went flying back, landing hard on the platform before him.

Kaidan scrambled to her side.

_Oh, God._ She wasn't moving._ Oh, God._

He still felt dizzy from that swirling energy, but he forced himself to concentrate. He fired up his omnitool and exmined the bones in her neck. No fractures, no spinal trauma. He rolled her gently onto her back. She did not resist at all.

Kaidan's heart twisted as he looked down at her quiet face. Just moments before, she had been shouting orders, the mere force of her will driving him and Williams to fight on and on. The drones they had seen, then the geth - a race of artificial intelligence synthetics - and finally zombie-like husks made from the fallen human dead - she had blasted a trail through them all.

Kaidan now understood why she had been named a Valkyrie - and why she'd taken only a pistol. The woman was a weapon in herself. He had never seen a human biotic spike so high, had never known any biotic who could use powers so continually without exhausting themselves. He had no idea how she had maintained the stamina to keep up a barrier all through the fight, while also pulling energy wells, firing pulses, tossing the enemy about. He hadn't held back himself, but he had to rest at times. Shepard, however, had never stopped. She had simply taken the attack a fight at a time. When they reached the end, she turned to smile cheekily at Ashley Williams, the young woman they had just rescued.

"I feel like I'm in a zombie vid," she'd said, looking down at a husk corpse. "Wish I had a cricket bat."

They'd laughed at that, congratulated themselves on still being alive, shared that easy and sudden comraderie that comes from facing death together and coming out the other side still in one piece.

Then Shepard had turned her eyes to a view of the burning colony. She had stood at the railing of the spaceport, staring at the red sky, while Kaidan, oblivious, had turned to the beacon they were supposed to secure. And then, his stupid curiosity for all things tech had put himself in danger. So Shepard, blast her, decided to put herself in danger instead.

Kaidan pushed those thoughts aside as he ran his omnitool over the commander, looking for any visible wounds. She had some bruises forming, but nothing was broken, no cuts or burns. Even as he did a routine check, he knew that he would find nothing. The damage had been done inside. He was sure of it. He had felt the beacon's energy, the raw, dark power had pulled at him for a moment there. He felt certain that it had ensnared Shepard - he just didn't know how or why. Shepard lay so still, the biotic hum from her amps so low, that Kaidan seriously feared she was going into a coma.

This was beyond him, he thought. He needed backup - and a certified doctor. He needed to get her back to the ship.

"Williams," he said curtly. When there was no answer, he looked up to see the girl staring at the beacon a hand to her forehead.

"Williams!" he shouted. She looked down in a daze.

"The whole colony's burning," she said. She pointed beyond the beacon to where the fields were filled with glowing red lines over a carpet of black.

"We can't stop those fires," he snapped. "But we can help Shepard."

_I hope._

"We need to get her back to the ship." Williams looked at him like she didn't understand. "Take her gear," Kaidan began to strip Shepard's gunpack from her back and her holster from her hip. "I'll get Shepard."

He pulled Shepard up into a seated position, then placed his shoulder to her stomach. Using biotics to aid his muscles, he carefully lifted her onto his shoulder.

"The guns, Williams!" he shouted. The girl finally woke as if from a daze. She blinked at Kaidan, then back at the beacon.

"There's something wrong with that thing," she said, pointed at the prothean monolith that smoked before them.

"Tell me about it," Kaidan said sarcastically. "Come on, Williams. Get the guns. "

"I think we lost the beacon," Ashley said, still looking a bit shell-shocked as she picked up Shepard's things.

Kaidan nodded his agreement, a lump forming in his throat. "Let's hope we didn't just loose our commanding officer, too."


	8. Medical Help

_Chapter 8_

_(in which Kaidan reflects on Eden Prime)_

It had been a hell of a day.

Kaidan slumped into his sleeper pod and lay back, hands behind his head. Better to call it the day from hell, he thought. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so exhausted, yet so unable to sleep.

They'd just returned from their first mission. Nihilus was dead; Jenkins was dead; that William's girl's unit was dead; half of Eden Prime's main colony was dead. And yet, all he could think about was the one person who wasn't dead: not quite – though she hadn't moved in hours. Shepard was lying in the med bay – just a wall separated his sleeper pod from her medical bed.

He had stayed by her side as long as he could. At first, he assisted Doctor Chakwas in making sure that Shepard was stabilized, in trying to find any information about Prothean beacons that he could dig up from the extranet. There had been little to go on.

When Shepard finally appeared to have settled into a strange, deep sleep - not quite a coma, but not quite a normal rest - the doctor had shooed him out of the med bay.

"Get some rest, Alenko," she'd said. "You've been in here for hours."

So now here he lay, resting.

Resting was harder than helping, he thought. Resting meant he had time to think back to the events of the day, to play over and over again that horrible moment when he thought he'd lost the commander.

Kaidan turned to his side and closed his eyes, but the face of Shepard stayed in his mind. He imagined that he could still feel her, too. She had been so warm and soft in his arms when he'd rolled her onto her back. Without her biotic barriers, without that steely look in her eye and that set to her chin, she'd looked so...young. To look at her on the battlefield, you would have thought that she could never be stopped. The woman had blazed a trail through the decimated colony. To see her fall so suddenly was an unexpected as it had been terrible.

And it was all his fault. He had triggered that beacon, he had set off whatever it was that had ensnared Shepard. And though Williams had told him it wasn't his fault and the captain had told him it wasn't his fault, Kaidan just could not shake the knowledge that it was, in fact, entirely his fault.

Jenkins was dead, the beacon destroyed, and the commander might well die in a medical bay, her mind destroyed by his idiotic interference.

She had to wake up, he thought to himself. He didn't know how he would stand it if she didn't.

* * *

Kaidan didn't remember when he had fallen asleep. He only remembered waking, feeling instantly restless. He got out of his sleeper pod, set it to self-clean for the next person's shift, and went to grab a coffee from the mess hall. Ashley Williams sat at the table, a bowl and a mug of cold, black coffee before her.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she replied. She poked at whatever was in her bowl. Protein surprise, it looked like. "So..." she said.

"So...?" Kaidan asked.

"You told the captain I should stay?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks." She poked at her bowl again. Kaidan watched her for a moment. _Poor kid, he thought._ She looked as if she hadn't slept a wink. He was sure that he didn't look much better.

"You gonna be okay?" he asked.

"My whole unit's dead and I'm only here because one of your team died, too!" she exploded, slamming a fist on the table. "Your commander is in the med bay in a freaking coma! Of course I'm not okay!" Kaidan just blinked at her outburst. The girl sobered instantly, then frowned into her bowl.

"She took a head shot for me," Ashley murmured. "Pushed me out of the way when that geth... I seriously thought she was dead. Biotic barriers though. You two are freakin' crazy."

Kaidan smiled a little in spite of himself. Biotics did not make one invincible, but you'd never know that to watch Shepard in action. She was precise and tactical, but watching her fight was like watching someone dance. She moved so cleanly, so precisely, that Kaidan almost felt like she'd practiced each move a million times over. It was like watching a fictional war vid, he thought, the way she was just not there when the enemy shot and then each shot of hers hit true. Only one pistol was needed after all - and a few grenades.

At the thought of the commander, Kaidan sobered again. He looked to the medbay, remembering again why it was they were out here, waiting.

"Any word on the commander?" he asked the chief.

"Chakwas promised to notify us all the moment she woke up," Williams replied. "Last I heard, the commander is holding steady, but still out cold."

"When was that?" Kaidan asked.

"An hour ago."

"I think I'll go check in on her," he said. "You know, see if I can offer any medical help."

"Medical help?" Williams murmured as the lieutenant walked away. "Huh. Is _that_ what they're calling it these days?"


	9. Waking Up

_Chapter 9_

_(in which Shepard wakes to find Kaidan waiting for her)_

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Kaidan walked into the med bay and let his eyes adjust to the low light. As he came closer to the beds that lined the wall, he realized that he was alone in the room with Shepard. The soft blue glow of the track lighting made her skin appears as if it was glowing.

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as he drew near to her. Her breathing was regular now, but more than that, he felt a small but steady hum of biotic energy around her. She must not be quite so far from conciousness as he had feared. It suddenly occurred to him that the change in her biotics might have been what had woken him in the first place. He was becoming attuned to her frequency more quickly than he had thought.

He didn't know if the thought pleased him or concerned him.

Kaidan looked down at Shepard, fighting a foolish impulse to touch her as she slept. That seemed disrespectful, somehow, though his fingers itched to do so. Instead he cocked his head and watched her. Her face was peaceful: her muscles relaxed, her eyelashes still as feathers against her cheeks. She had very long lashes, Kaidan thought. He wondered that he had not noticed that before.

In truth, there were many things he had not noticed before. There were scars on her hands and he found himself fascinated by the light dusting of pale hair on her arms. There were more scars on her face than he had realized. Most were small, but one framed her right eye like a crescent. She had a smattering of freckles on her nose, which seemed strange to him. Freckles were something little girls had, not women warriors.

Asleep like this, she looked so different from the commander he had met the day before. That woman had been someone he had followed without question. And that – was unusual for Kaidan. He followed orders, sure, but only because it was part of the job. Internally, he was always questioning, always making sure he knew all possible exit routes. Ever since his teen years, he'd learned never to completely trust a CO.

Yet, there he'd been on Eden Prime, trusting Shepard in everything. From that moment she had ordered him not to get himself killed, he'd known he could trust her. He knew she had his back, and so he had covered hers. Throughout the mission, she had behaved exactly as he would have wished her to, and so he stopped wondering when the other shoe would drop. When she'd given orders, he'd listened. He felt like the two of them had an instant connection, had formed an instant team.

And that comforted him. When he had first met her, he thought the instant connection was one of...attraction. But now, he could neatly file it away in his mind as a connection of respect. The two of them were soldiers - biotic warriors. And they had saved each others lives time and again today. They were both skilled, cautious, yet capable of acting on instinct when the need arose. Shepard had been a better fit for him as a teammate - as a superior officer, rather - than anyone Kaidan had ever known. And now here he was, looking down at that same strong woman, thinking how odd it was that someone so commanding could be so vulnerable. It was also strange how she could be so...appealing.

_Appealing?_

Before Kaidan could fully banish that highly inappropriate thought from his mind, he heard a soft sigh escape Shepard's lips. He looked down just in time to see her eyes flutter open.

"Doctor?" Kaidan called. He turned and hit the comm button beside the bed. "Doctor Chakwas?"

"Alenko?" The surprised voice of the doctor came over the comm.

"Come down to the med bay," Kaidan told her. "I think she's waking up." He did not bother to say who "she" was and the doctor did not have to ask.

"I'm on my way," she replied.

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan turned at the sound of his name. Shepard blinked up at him from where she lay. He looked down into her face, taking in her wide eyes and her full lips, and he suddenly felt very warm.

She'd called him by his name. She hadn't called the rest of the crew by their first names, had she? Surely not. Kaidan swallowed, finding his throat had suddenly gone dry.

"You okay?" he rasped.

"I...think so, I..." She sat up, nearly pitching to the floor in the process. Kaidan reached out a hand to steady her, but she had already turned away. His hand met empty air. He let his hand fall, then stepped back and crossed his arms awkwardly over his chest.

Seeing her awake was a great relief, but Kaidan instantly felt the change in her demeanor. Her face, softened in sleep, grew shuttered as it took on a confused expression. It was as if a moment ago she had been liquid, and upon waking, had hardened into ice.

"You had us worried there, Shepard," Doctor Chakwas' voice sounded from the doorway. She walked quickly into the room, sparing Kaidan a searching glance. He said nothing, but his posture became more defensive.

"How are you feeling?" Doctor Chakwas asked Shepard, bringing out her omnitool and running a scan over the commander.

"I've had worse," Shepard said. She paused. "On second thought, it's a close call. But I'm alive and nothing seems to be missing." She absentmindedly touched the scar under her right eye. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours," Doctor Chakwas replied.

"Fifteen _hours_?" Shepard frowned. "I felt more like five minutes..."

"Something happened down there with the beacon, we think," Doctor Chakwas explained.

"It was my fault," Kaidan said, frowning, feeling guilt swamp him once again. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it." _Stupid tech obsession._ "You had to push me out of the way."

Shepard turned to him and shook her him a slight smile. Her energy seemed to flicker a little as she said, "Don't blame yourself, lieutenant. You couldn't possibly have known what would happen."

Kaidan felt his heart leap at her words. Ashley had told him the same thing; Captain Anderson and the doctor had, too. But until Shepard had said the same, he didn't quite believe it. He smiled, ducking his head bashfully.

"So what happened?" Shepard asked him.

"The beacon exploded," Kaidan replied. "Systems overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold. We couldn't revive you, so we brought you back here to the ship."

"Thanks," Shepard said. "I appreciate it."

Kaidan nodded in reply; he found himself unable to find any words to speak his relief.

"Physically you're fine," Chakwas said as Shepard slid off of the bed and onto her feet. "But I noticed some unusual brain activity. Abnormal beta waves. Those signs are typically associated with intense dreaming."

Shepard looked up with a start, her eyes flickering to the empty air before her as if she saw some nightmare there. "I saw..." She blinked and her eyes focused again. "I'm not sure what I saw. Death and destruction and some kind of...vision...? Nothing's really clear."

"Hmm," Doctor Chakwas said, blandly. "I suppose I should add that to my report."

Kaidan opened his mouth to protest. _Add that to her report? That's it? No follow up, no exam?_

But before he could say anything, Captain Anderson arrived to demand a private interview with his XO. Kaidan saluted both Shepard and the captain, then he and Chakwas went out to the mess hall. The doctor wandered off at once and Ashley had long since finished her meal, so Kaidan poured himself a cup of coffee and plunked himself down at the table.

So, Shepard – the commander – was back up, he thought. That was a relief. And yet, that beacon worried him. In his understanding, there were very few things that could actually place visions in people's minds, and none of them were likely to be harmless. Even a biotic could not read or influence minds. He was a powerful one and all he could do was move things telekinetically and sense biotic energy. But if Shepard's mind had actually survived an encounter with something as dark and alien as the beacon, if she had somehow been taken outside of herself and forced to see visions of death...

Well then, it just went to show that Shepard was a lot tougher than he had thought.


	10. Any Post in the Fleet

_Chapter 10_

_(in which Kaidan inadvertantly brings up a painful past)_

_

* * *

_

Shepard leaned her palms on the medical table, squeezed her eyes shut, and forced herself to set the dreams aside.

_Muscle and bone. __Steel and wires._

_Screams. __Arms twisted and broken._

_Liquid running down into pipes._

_No_, she thought, firmly pushing the visions back to the corners of her mind. That was not now. That was then – some other life, some other place, some other civilization. Right now, she was alive. Right now, she had survived. And right now, she had a job to do. The facts were clear:

A rogue Specter agent had tried to wipe out an entire human colony. He had an army of sythentic AI at his back. And he _would_ strike again.

Shepard's eyes narrowed.

Saren had tried to take out a _colony_.

Well, he'd soon find out that taking out colonies really pissed her off. And no one pissed off the Valkyrie and went free. She'd bring him down yet.

Shepard smoothed her wrinkled casual uniform, then frowned at it. She had been in her jumpsuit last she'd checked. Who had changed her clothes? She started at the thought that it might have been the lieutenant, then grimced and shook her head. Surely not. It must have been the doctor.

Taking a deep breath to clear the cobwebs from her mind, she stepped out onto the crew deck and nearly tripped over Lieutenant Alenko. He was standing right outside the door, almost as if he had been waiting for her.

"Commander," he said, relief evident in his face. "Glad to see you're okay."

"I'm fine – but what about you?" she asked, recalling his brush with the beacon and before that, their hellish mission on Eden Prime. "Things were pretty rough down there. You okay?"

Kaidan nodded. He could see that Shepard still looked pale, but whether it was from the beacon or recalling what happened to Jenkins, he could not say. When he asked her about Jenkins, she frowned, saying she hadn't lost someone under her command in years, and the feeling was bitter.

Kaidan swiftly changed the subject, and they fell into a surprisingly easy conversation. Kaidan mentioned his concerns about Saren's true motives, Shepard replied that she hoped to find some way to bring the rogue agent down. Then the conversation began to drift, first to Kaidan's past service, then to his reasons for joining the Alliance, and soon he found himself talking about hiw family and why he'd joined the military. It was strange, really. Kaidan didn't usually go sharing his personal history with his crew.

"Ah, so anyway," he said, catching himself before he kept talking on and on. "Is that why you're here, commander? You following in family footsteps, too?"

Shepard paused a moment before replying: "My family were homesteaders on Mindoir."

Kaidan felt like slapping his forehead. _Nice, Alenko_.

Damn, of all the stupid things he could have said – only he'd had no idea. Mindoir had been the poster case of Alliance screw-ups, one of the first and worst slaver attacks in human/alien history. The scars on Shepard's body suddenly made sense. If she had survived that attack, then she must have been through hell. He found himself wondering at once how bad it had been – how young she had been. The attack had only been about twelve years ago.

"Don't look at me like that," Shepard said, raising her eyebrow at him.

"Like what?" Kaidan asked, confused by her reaction.

"I know what people think of when they think of Mindoir – and yeah, it was awful. But I've moved beyond that. Really, I 've had a long time to deal with it," she added when he looked doubtful.

"Oh, that's right," Kaidan said, suddenly remembering the rest of her history, the story that Anderson had told him when he first met Shepard. "You were at the Blitz. I imagine your heroics there bought you any post in the fleet."

Kaidan wasn't sure what he expected, but he sure as hell didn't expected Shepard to react like she did. Hurt flashed through her eyes for a moment before she masked it. Quick as a storm rolling in over the sky, her face turned hard and her voice cold.

"I did what I had to do," she said curtly. "I wasn't thinking about any damn _post_ at the time."

"Of course...commander..." Kaidan mumbled, unsure of how he had offended her, only certain that he had. "I just meant..."

"I have to go," she said curtly, and walked away, leaving Kaidan staring after her in confusion.

* * *

"I don't know how I offended her," Kaidan said lamely. "I just know I did."

He was sitting in the mess hall with Ashley Williams and Doctor Chakwas. The three of them had convened there as they waited for Joker to bring them in to dock at the Citadel. At the moment, they were still traveling to the nearest mass relay leading to the Widow Nebula.

"What did you say to her, exactly?" Ashley asked.

"I just asked her about the Blitz," Kaidan shrugged. "Though before that...maybe she was angry because I brought up Mindoir."

"She's from _Mindoir_?" Ashley gaped.

"Apparently so," Kaidan said, thinking again of Shepard's scars.

"Well damn, LT," Ashley snorted. "You go bringing up the day her home got bombed to hell and you wonder why she got a little pissy at you? You really don't get women, do you?"

"Not so much," Kaidan admitted. "I didn't mean to offend the commander. I was just trying to make...conversation."

He stopped and considered that with some curiousity. He never tried to make conversation. Either his crew members talked to him or they didn't, either people left him alone because of his L2 implants or they didn't. He had learned not to care either way. So why was he going out of his way to talk to Shepard?

"Well, you couldn't have offended Shepard too badly," Dr. Chakwas said, pouring herself a glass of water. "She asked about you not five minutes after you two finished talking."

"She did?" Kaidan blinked.

"Stopped me on the stairs," the doctor said, waving a hand in that direction. "Asked about your service record, your biotics and your headaches. She was intrigued by your L2 implants, I think. Being an L3, she's no doubt curious about the models that came before."

"Of course," Kaidan said. Of course she'd asked about the biotics. There was no reason for her to ask about the man behind them. He wasn't sure if the thought reassured him or disappointed him.

"She's nice enough," Ashely Williams observed, digging into her second protein pudding of the morning. "Of course, since she could rip anyone in this ship apart with her biotics _or_ her bare hands, she keeps that professional line down pretty well. Like it's painted _all_ around her in a thick red line – N7 red, if you get my meaning."

Was Williams looking at him when she said this? Kaidan couldn't quite tell, but he got the uncomfortable sense that she was watching him for his reaction.

"All hands who want to catch a _wicked_ view of the Citadel, report to the upper decks." Joker's voice crackled over the comm. The three of them looked up at the loudspeaker, then looked back down and one another.

"Wanna go see?" Ashely asked.

"I have some things to clean up before we dock," Doctor Chakwas said. "You two go on."

"You coming, Alenko?" Ashley stood.

"Sure," he said. "Never been to the Citadel before."

"Me, I'm not really big on alien stations and stuff," Ashley told him as they walked towards the stairs. "But I don't want to miss watching Shepard stride onto that station and kick Saren's ass right out the door."

"I don't think it's going to be that easy, chief," Kaidan told her. "We don't even know where Saren is."

"Of course it it'll be that easy," Ashley said. "We're going to give our evidence to the council and then they're going to take him out. BAM! Like that." She mimiced firing a shotgun. "He'll be gone before 1200 hours. You'll see. What could possibly go wrong?"


	11. Outrage

_Chapter 11_

_(in which there is an outrage)_

"This is an _outrage!_" Amabssador Udina shouted at the three flickering holographs before him.

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore the migraine that was building in his skull. The flashing lights of the wards had jarred his senses, then this white-washed Presidium, for all that it was very peaceful by comparison, had the lights up far too bright for his tastes. Now the ambassador was shouting again.

Kaidan had disliked the man on sight. Udina had shouted at Anderson, at Shepard, hell, he'd probably have shouted at Kaidan and Ashley, too, if he'd only bothered to notice them. Ashley nudged Kaidan with her elbow and nodded at Shepard. Kaidan turned and looked. The commander was standing at attention, listening with admirable patience as the ambassador told her to "settle down." Kaidan saw a flare tremor across the fingers of her right hand, clasped behind her back. He got the distinct impression that she was itching to throw the ambassador into a wall. He would hardly have blamed her. After seeing the devestation of Eden Prime, it was damn annoying to hear someone yell at them like it had all been their fault.

Captain Anderson stepped in and tried to run interference, but the ambassador still seemed put out that he had to clean up the political fallout of the botched mission. _Typical_, Kaidan thought. The marines had just done the heavy lifting and then got to get chewed out for it. At least they had gotten an audience with the Council. As Udina stormed away with Anderson in tow, Kaidan could only hope that the rest of their visit to the Citadel went better.

* * *

Things did not get better.

Shepard let out a breath, lowered her pistol, and stared down at the blue blood that pooled at her feet.

"Those were Saren's men," Kaidan said, holstering his gun. "Look. They're carrying Specter-issue weapons, but they don't have a council badge."

"Damn," Ashley Williams muttered. "So, first the council sends us away to look for proof that Saren is a traitor - after we brought them proof, no less. And now said traitor is sending turian assassins after you, commander. What do you want to bet that the Council don't take _this_ as proof."

"How many credits have you got?" Shepard asked wryly. "Nope, Williams the Council won't believe this. But this little attack does tell me we're on the right track."

"Yeah, the right track for doing all their dirty work for them."

"If we can find that C-Sec officer and get information about his investigation, then we can make some progress - I hope," Shepard said.

"Right, commander," Kaidan nodded. "So what do we do with the bodies?" He nodded down at the corpses at their feet.

"Toss them off the railing?" Ashley suggested.

"They might hit one of those transports," Kaidan observed.

"I dunno," Ashley said. "A mid-air crash could be fun to watch."

"No killing the flying cars," Shepard said.

"No fun, commander," Ashley pouted.

"Alright," Shepard said. "We'll go tell the management. If this bar here is half as seedy as it's rumored to be, then they'll know what to do."

Shepard looked up at the flashing lights that advertised the location of Chora's Den, a self-purported "gentleman's club" down in the lower wards. Taking the kinetic stabilizer off of the dead turian's pistol and attaching it to her own, Shepard walked towards the entrance. The doors slid open, flooding the alley with the thud of pounding bass music. Shepard looked into the bar and stared.

"Whoa," Kaidan said behind her.

Yeah, Shepard thought. That pretty much summed it up.

Inside was a circular bar, surrounded by a circular room. Along every corner of the walls were female strippers in peek-a-boo clothing and males of various species ogling them. Standing right in front of Shepard on top of the bar was an asari, her blue buns wiggling in time with the beat.

"Wow," Ashley said sarcastically. "A million light years from where humanity began, and here's a bunch of half-naked women shaking their asses on a stage. I can't tell if that's sad or funny."

"Sad," Shepard said. "Definitely sad."

"I can see why people come here," Kaidan said. "It's got quite a nice...um...view."

Both women turned to him with eyebrows raised.

"What?" he asked, holding his hands up as if in defense. "You never know. They might be here for the food."

"I would not eat anything that comes off of a bar where _that_ lady's been," Ashley said, pointing to where an asari was crouched on all fours, waving her head around madly. Kaidan stared, and Shepard had the sudden urge to use her biotics to toss the asari off of the bar and onto the floor.

"Hey lieutenant," Ashley said. "Put your tongue back into your mouth before you trip on it."

Kaidan didn't seem to hear her.

Shepard rolled her eyes. It didn't matter where her lieutenant's eyes went. Or his tongue. Or...anything. She shook her head to clear it.

Really, his reaction to the asari strippers didn't concern her. She was here to find Harkin and then find Garrus and then find evidence on Saren. That was the mission path. She was sticking to it and she would _not_ get distracted by the way that Kaidan – the lieutenant – was now turning his head to look at yet another asari dancer.

Shepard had never been around the asari much before. She'd heard all sorts of rumors that they acted very superior. She was now wishing the rumors were true. If _this_ was acting superior, she'd hate to see what they acted like when they had no self-respect at all.

* * *

Kaidan could feel the pulse of the music all the way down to his feet. He'd always avoided places like this: too many lights and too much noise. Besides, this many asari in the same place was definitely – unsettling. In the first place, they all were biotics, though pretty weak ones at that. The hum coming from their amps gave off a sort of thin, reedy vibrations that made Kaidan think of nervous, girlish laughter. In the second place, the dancers weren't wearing much at all, and God help him, he was a man. He was having a really hard time not looking. However, he found them vaguely – off. The shapes were nice, but something about the blue skin and tentacle hair threw him for a loop. He didn't think of himself as racist, but he had to admit that he liked women the old-fashioned way: human.

With that thought, his eyes strayed to Shepard. Now there was a woman more to his tastes. Though he couldn't really picture her dressing like these strippers.

The moment the thought flashed through his mind, an image followed: Shepard, sitting in a chair in one of these dark corners, looking at him with eyes that were warm and inviting...

Kaidain shook his head.

No, no and _no_, he thought. No getting the strippers mixed up with the commander.

Besides, he thought. She was built better than most of them. Even in her tight armor jumpsuit...

Kaidan frowned and gritted his teeth. This was insane. Shepard was his commanding officer, not some dancer in a sleazy bar. He had no business thinking of her in the same way as these...uh...ladies.

He suddenly stopped and stared. What the _hell_ was that asari doing to that volus?

Kaidan rubbed his eyes. This place was giving him a headache.

* * *

Deliberately ignoring Kaidan and his perusal of the dancers, Shepard cased the room. She overheard two krogan having an argument in the corner, then passed a turian who seemed intent on drinking himself to death. Finally, she spied a man who looked lean and wiry. He looked mean, too. Must be Harkin. He saw her, too, and grinned in a way that made her skin crawl.

Shepard sucked in a breath and smoothed her expression into one of polite, professional interest. If this was Harkin, he was going to require a firm but delicate touch. Then again, she thought, if she couldn't talk the information out of him, she could try always beat it out of him. This bar hardly seemed the sort of place where people would mind something like that.

* * *

Kaidan clenched his fist as he listened to Harkin talk to Shepard. He could feel his biotics swirling around his fingers, just itching to throw the bastard into a wall for looking at her like he was. But, Kaidan reminded himself, that was the damnable thing about being a subordinate. Protocol was pretty clear on this sort of thing. Shepard should – and could – handle herself. Even though Kaidan felt the need to step in and defend her, he knew that doing so would only make things worse. He willed himself to bite his tongue and let her do the talking.

Shepard got what she needed out of the man, quickly enough. She even managed to avoid punching him, which Kaidan found admirable, if a little disappointing. With a nod of her head, she signaled for Kaidan and Ashley to follow her out into the wards.

"I can't believe that Captain Anderson was a Specter once and he never told us," Ashley cried the minute they were alone. "I mean – why would he lie?"

"Harkin's an ass," Kaidan said, venting his disgust. "I'll be he was just messing with us."

"I don't think so," Shepard said slowly as they climbed the stairs out to the market promenade. "It...feels right. I always suspected..." She broke off. Kaidan eyed her closely.

"You always suspected what?"

"I always felt that there was more to him than just..." Shepard broke off. "I can't explain it, but I'm not surprised. It fits." She frowned. "I'm sure it's true." She looked up and met her team's eyes.

"We don't speak of it," she said. "Not until the captain gives us leave to, understood?"

"Aye, aye ma'am," Kaidan replied. Ashley nodded.

"Good," Shepard said. She turned and walked along the promenade, lost in thought. It suddenly made sense, she thought, why Anderson had picked her, why he had pushed so hard for her acceptance into the Specters. She'd often suspected that he had something in mind for her career. Now she saw he had been thinking of himself, in a way, as well. Perhaps he felt if he couldn't make the cut, but could help her to do so, then he would have redeemed himself. If that was so, then she wouldn't let him down. Anderson had believed in her when few had. When the press had backed her into a corner, he had been her champion.

She would not disappoint him now.


	12. A View of the Wards

_Chapter 12_

_(in which there is a spectacular view)_

As they walked along the promenade from the markets towards the medical clinic, Shepard became aware of the conversation going on between the two officers behind her. It was of a very different nature than her somber musings.

"I _don't_ care for blue skin, but if it's there in my face..." Kaidan was saying.

"So you _were_ staring at asses in there," Ashley said derisively.

"Not..._asses_ per se," Kaidan hedged.

"So just one ass?" Ashley raised an eyebrow.

"Are you talking about asses again, Williams?" Shepard said, looking back over her shoulder in amusement. Williams turned a little red, but she lifted her chin up all the same.

"Best topic of conversation, ma'am."

Shepard laughed. "Depends on the ass."

"Good point," Ashley smiled. "Human asses – male human asses – are the best. Salarians, not so much. Volus..."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Kaidan muttered.

"Let's not go there, Williams," Shepard said, fighting back a laugh.

"Why not?" Ashley asked. "Tell me something. Did you notice how they had human women working in that bar? Ever wonder why _human_ women are dancing for aliens?"

"Probably because human women and asari look so much alike," Kaidan observed. "After all, asari are considered very sensual due to their ah...ability to mate...with..."

He stopped, distracted by the sudden flaring of Shepard's energy. Had her shoulders suddenly flickered? It was hard to say? Beside him, Ashley was eyeing him as though he was transforming into something very slimy.

"So they can mate with anything and everything," Ashley snorted. "And you find _that_ attractive?"

"I didn't say that _I_..."

"Okay, so somehow aliens like the idea of getting it on with blue girls," Ashley went on, "and since human women are the closest-looking thing to the blue girls, we're considered sexy by extention? _Great_," she emphasized the word with heavy sarcasm. "So, basically women are like some sort of galactic mimic to the sexy-sexy asari?"

"I didn't..."

"_Drop_ the subject," Shepard said. "Both of you."

Kaidan frowned. He had never known Shepard to be short-tempered, not even when dealing with that jerk, Harkin. Now he could sense her amps crackling. Maybe Harkin had annoyed her more than she let on, Kaidan thought.

The three of them walked in silence along the promenade, headed for the medical clinic, where Garrus supposedly had been headed. Not seeing any reason to hurry, they walked slowly, Shepard in front, Kaidan and Ashley following.

As Shepard fought to shake off her annoyance at her lieutenant's comments on asari attractions, she glanced to one side and saw a rather amazing sight: the ward arms extended out into space, framed beautifully by a giant picture window. Momentarily distracted, she nodded to the spot and motioned for Kaidan and Ashley to follow.

"Look at this," she said. "That's got to be the best view in the station."

"Even better than the Presidium," Ashley agreed. "_Much_ better than the 'views' in Chora's Den," she added, looking at Alenko.

"Big place," Kaidan murmured.

Ashley turned to him and snorted. "That your _professional_ opinion, sir?"

"No, he's right," Shepard said, her irritation momentarily forgotten. "This is more like a city than a station. No wonder they're careful with newcomers."

"They probably just want to keep everything running," Kaidan said. "It can't be easy getting all these species to get along."

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," Ashley suggested.

"Why not?" Shepard asked. "You said it yourself: we have the beautiful women dancing in bars. We have oceans and poetry and music and love. According to the old vids, we have everything the aliens could want."

"When you put it like that, there's no reason they wouldn't like _you_," Kaidan said. Without his meaning to, his voice came out sounding low and intimate.

Then he realized what he had just said and his mouth fell open.

Shepard and Ashely both turned to stare at him at the same time. Ashley's expression clearly said, _Are you kidding me?_ But Shepard's was one of pure astonishment.

"I mean 'us,'" Kaidan said, hastily backpedaling. "Humans, that is." He knew he'd started blushing. "Ma'am."

Ashley looked at him as though she expected lightning to strike him down where he stood.

"You don't get much shore leave, do you LT?" she asked.

_No_, Kaidan thought to himself as he rubbed the back of his neck. _But that's never been a problem before_. He couldn't bring himself to look at Shepard.

"Alright," Shepard said, sounding like she was holding back laughter. "That's enough, chief. I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here."

Kaidan looked up in surprise. _That_ was certainly nothing like the reprimand he'd been expecting.

"I'll walk drag, ma'am," Ashley said, looking from the one of them to the other in asmusement.

"Not necessary," Shepard replied. "Let's move out." She nodded towards the med clinic and walked on. Kaidan and Ashley fell in line behind her.

"Oooh, I thought you were so busted," Ashley said, elbowing Kaidan in the ribs.

"Watch it, chief," he scowled. "I'm still your commanding officer."

"And Shepard's _your_ commanding officer. You're lucky she 'appreciated the thought'." Ashley snorted. "Whatever the hell _that_ means."

Kaidan frowned. _What the hell _did_ that mean?_

_

* * *

_

_What the hell did _that_ mean? _Shepard thought, walking ahead of her officers, replaying the conversation she'd just had with Kaidan over again in her head. She'd been so flattered by his unwitting compliment that she had practically given him leave to ask her out once they were off duty – whenever that might be.

But then again, she thought, why not? She couldn't remember the last time she'd been on a date. Probably since the Blitz.

She frowned. God, had it actually been _that_ long? Well, if all went well and they found evidence against this Saren, then the council would send some other Specter after him and that would be that. She wasn't sure what her assignment would be after that or if she'd still be on the Specter career path, but surely she had some shore leave coming. She might as well spend it with company for a change. Things didn't have to get serious, she told herself. Just a friendly date, maybe some drinks...

_Okay, Shepard. Think about that later. This is really not the time._

Right. Now was the time to find this Garrus guy, find evidence against Saren, and then turn this whole rogue-Specter mess back over to the council and let them deal with it.

Shepard smiled to herself as she reached the medical clinic doors and pressed the button to enter.

Next stop, shore leave.


	13. Exploding Beds

_Chapter 13_

_(in which a bed explodes)_

Shepard rubbed her eyes and lay back in her sleeper pod.

Okay. Shore leave was going to be a little further off than she'd hoped.

_Damn. And drinks with Alenko sounded like fun, too._

She'd opened the door of the Citadel medical clinic just a few hours ago to find the a bunch of thugs holding the doctor hostage. Garrus, the citadel security officer she had been looking for, was there already. The crazy turian had shot one thug in the head the moment Shepard's appearace had startled them into letting down their guard. Shepard still couldn't believe a police officer of all people would have taken such a risk with a hostage, but she was damn glad it had worked out. She'd finished off the other thugs easily enough with her biotics.

Then had come a frantic run back to Chora's Den with a krogran in tow – an actual krogan mercenary, of all things. That guy had been even crazier than Garrus. He'd shot the surrendering mob boss and been completely unapologetic about it, too. The final result was that Shepard and her squad had rescued a Quarian from the Saren's men and gotten the evidence they needed to implicate the bastard who had destroyed the colony of Eden Prime. Now those three aliens were intent on joining her in her quest against Saren. Never one to turn away allies, Shepard had put them up for the night in the Normandy's hold.

_Not bad for a day's work_, Shepard thought, curling up on her side and willing her mind to rest. Her body was exhausted. She had been using her biotics more today than she had in the months before hand. When Udina and Anderson took the evidence to the council, they had encouraged her to get a little rest before the hearing. She had returned to the ship at once, eaten three protein pudding cups in a row, and was now ready for a nap.

* * *

Kaidan walked up to the sleeper pods to see that Shepard had fallen asleep. He knew he really ought to walk on by and find his own pod, but he couldn't help but stop and look in on her.

She was so...

Pretty was not quite the word for it. Pretty made him think of something more delicate, and though Shepard was very slender, she was not at all - delicate. She had kicked off her blankets and he could see that her limbs were corded with lean muscle. Kaidan swallowed. As a rule, marines wore shorts made of high-performance fabric under their uniforms; women also wore heavy tank tops that doubled as bras. Kaidan had always found them rather utilitarian and ugly - until now.

Kaidan shook his head and sighed as he turned away. He really shouldn't be watching the commander sleep - just as he shouldn't be flirting with her, thinking about asking her out for a date, or imagining her taking on a career as a stripper.

_And yet, you did all those things today, Alenko_.

He had. It was embarrassing.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead. He didn't have quite the headache he thought he would after a day of running around and using biotics on every thug in the wards. But he was still tired. Sadly, he doubted he'd get much more than a few hours of sleep before this whole thing with the council and Saren started up again, but he had long since learned to take his rest when he could. Kaidan opened an empty pod next to Shepard and began to take off his shoes.

Suddenly, Shepard slammed herself against the lid of her pod.

The sound of her body hitting the plastic startled him, as did her muffled scream when she realized she couldn't get out. Her hands pressed wildly at the lid and she screamed again, her entire body lighting swiftly with blue electric fire. Kaidan felt the energy from her biotics like a sudden gust from a thunderstorm. He lunged for the pod, reaching for the button to lift the lid, but he wasn't quite quick enough.

Shepard screamed once more. The pod exploded.

The plastic lid splintered into a thousand pieces and showered all over the sleeping quarters. Kaidan stumbled back, unconciously throwing up a biotic barrier over himself.

Shepard tumbled out of the pod onto the floor, her body alight. She looked up wildly, her eyes unfocused and savage, blue fire flickering all down her back. The energy pulsing around her was incredible.

Then, suddenly, she gasped for air and clutched her throat. She coughed.

Just like that, the field of biotic energy drained almost as quickly as it had formed.

"Oh God," she murmured, going limp.

"Shepard?" Kaidan gaped at her, unsure of what to say.

She looked up at him, then down at the shattered plastic on the floor. She turned and looked over her shoulder at the busted pod behind her.

"Please tell me I didn't just do that."

Kaidan just stared at her in shock. Shepard turned back around and looked at him.

"You're using a barrier," she said, curtly. "I didn't hurt you, did I lieutenant?"

Shepard stood and brushed shards of plastic from her hair. She reached her hand out towards him, but Kaidan shook his head and held up a hand to stop her. He said nothing, still in awe of her sudden outburst. What amazed him even more was her total calm now. Even her biotic energy manifested as little more than a hum.

"What happened? Are you al..." Ashley Williams came running over, Doctor Chakwas following right behind. "...right?" Williams stopped and stared, gazing at the remains of what used to be a bed.

"I'm fine," Shepard said. "Alenko? You okay?"

Kaidan nodded.

"No causalties," Shepard told them, her voice now curt and businesslike. "Other than the bed, that is."

"Did you do that, skipper?" Ashley pointed. "We heard something like an explosion."

"She did it with biotics," Kaidan said, finding his voice at last. "You seemed to be trapped," he told the commander. "Then you smashed the pod open."

"Another vision, commander?" the doctor's voice said, quietly.

Kaidan watched Shepard closely. He had suspected that the beacon's visions were still haunting her, but if they were causing her to react like this, then that was not good. At the very least, they were going to be going through furniture really quickly.

"I...yeah," Shepard said, nodding. "I'm sorry about the sleeper pod. Maybe I shouldn't be sleeping in things with a lid. It hasn't been a problem since... Well, maybe I should sleep in the med bay. Is that alright, doctor?"

"Of course," Doctore Chakwas nodded.

_Hasn't been a problem since when?_ Kaidan wondered. But he didn't ask.

"I'm getting a coffee," Shepard announced. "I imagine we'll be called back into the Council chambers again soon."

"You think Udina's going to get another audience with the Council in one day?" Ashley asked, doubtfully.

"One _long_ day," Shepard sighed. "We can only hope."

"I'll get a docks technician to find us a replacement pod," Kaidan said.

"Don't you need to sleep?" Shepard asked him.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep just now," he told her.

* * *

A half an hour later, Shepard had changed back into her casual unifrom and sat in the mess hall staring into her empty coffee cup. Her mind was flitting between the nightmare she had just had and the image of Kaidan, standing over her, shock on his face.

And there had been a barrier of biotic energy rippling all over those muscles of his.

He'd looked good, she thought. No, more than good. While she'd never seen much to like about biotics before other than the power associated with them, she was beginning to admit to herself that so far as the lieutenant went, they held a certain sex appeal. The fact that his biotic energies gave of such a low, calming hum helped, too. When he was around, she just sort of felt it thrumming in the air, along the back of her neck, all the way up...

_No_, she told herself. _No thrumming. No checking out the lieutenant's energy. Or his muscles. Or his..._

_Stop. Stop. Stop._

She pressed her fingers to her eyes.

Of course, now she'd gone a freaked him out – along with most of the crew. She stiffened unconciously in her chair. This is how missions typically went. After the first part – the part where the crew pulled off the impossible – everyone would be feeling friendly and close. People would laugh, some might even flirt a little. Everyone would be caught up in the feeling of comraderie.

And then her biotics would somehow remind everyone that she, of all people, was different. If _she_ slipped up – even in sleep – she could tear a person apart.

It was a hell of a way to make friends and influence people, she thought bitterly.

A sudden footfall had her glacing up from her cup. Kaidan walked into the mess hall, his eyes wary.

Shepard sighed inwardly. _Well_, she thought. _Here it begins: the part where we all become chilly and distant._

The lieutenant poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from her.

"You okay?" she asked before he could say something sympathetic and make her feel like a complete idiot.

"Fine," he said, looking up at her through dark lashes. _Damn it_. Why did he have to look so handsome even when he was frowning at her like that?

"What about you?" he asked.

"Fair to middling," she replied, staring into her cup so she would not stare at him. "I'm just sorry about the pod."

"They can fix that," the lieutenant said. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She looked up just as he pulled his arm away. Had he been trying to reach for her? She frowned. "I'm fine."

Kaidan glanced at the wall behind her, his lips a grim line, then looked back at her.

"Tell me about it."

Shepard raised an eyebrow at his tone. That had sounded suspiciously like an order.

"Please, commander," he added, his voice a little lower now. Shepard looked at him and to her own amazement, she did.

"I told you I was from Mindoir," she said with a wave of her hand. "Well, I don't remember much, but I do remember...cages." Kaidan frowned and she hastily went on. "So, let's just say that I don't like tight spaces. I've gotten used to it for the job's sake, but that beacon..."

"It did something to you," Kaidan said flatly.

"It did something," she agreed. "I'm just not sure what. It was like someone keeps whispering at my mind, but I don't understand the words. I guess it brought back old nightmares." She shrugged. "I'll be fine. I just probably shouldn't sleep anywhere near the rest of the crew if I'm going to be pulling stunts like that."

"Do you do that often?"

"What, explode sleeper pods?" she asked with bitter sarcasm.

Kaidan nodded as if the question was the most natural thing in the world.

"Not...for a while now," she answered.

"But you used to."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Hmm..." Kaidan said. He looked at her, nodded, then went back to drinking his coffee.

Shepard blinked. He hadn't changed his demeanor at all, hadn't become distant or nervous. He just sat there drinking his coffee like they were old friends and had conversations about killer biotics and nightmares triggered by ancient alient visions and destroyed childhoods every day. It was strangely comforting.

Shepard suddenly realized that she would take this kind of easy companionship with Alenko over some awkward drinks date on shore leave any day.

Well, maybe not _any_ day, she admitted, watching his biceps flex as he picked up his coffee cup. Maybe she wanted both the date _and _the friendly talk over coffee. Though as Alenko's commanding officer, she knew she really shouldn't be thinking overmuch about either.

Still, if the mission was going to drag on, it was good that at least one person on the crew seemed to accept her for what she was.

It was a start.


	14. The First Human Spectre

_Chapter 14_

_(in which the newly minted Specter gets stuck in the elevator)_

Kaidan walked towards the elevator warily, wishing that he didn't have to go down and check on his locker. The elevator took forever, and he really wasn't in the mood to be stuck in there by himself for however long it took to go one floor down into the cargo hold. Too bad he needed to deal with his gear before heading to bed.

To bed. He frowned. He'd be sleeping next to the repaired sleeper pod, the one Shepard had broken, while she would be sleeping elsewhere.

She was now no longer just _his_ commanding officer. She was _the_ commanding officer.

When the Council had named Shepard the first human Specter, Kaidan had been standing right there. He'd been impressed and yet a little saddened. Was it just him, or did she sound slightly frustrated when she volunteered to go after Saren? He had figured someone else would bring the rogue agent in. Now Shepard was being given a hasty battlefield promotion and sent out to do the Council's dirty work.

He didn't like it.

He also didn't like that Captain Anderson had been taken off the mission. Kaidan didn't blame Shepard for that, not one bit, but it didn't sit well with him that a soldier like Anderson would be retired under such circumstances. That the Alliance would do such a thing to Anderson – well, it just meant that Shepard was that much closer to the axe herself should things go wrong. And there was a lot of room for things to go very wrong.

If he were honest with himself, there was another reason Kaidan didn't like all this. It meant that Shepard had moved into the captain's quarters – away from the sleeper pod next to his. The move was probably for the best, given way she'd exploded that pod just the other night due to a nightmare, but the move seemed symbolic of something else. She'd just stepped that much further away from him.

Kaidan had to admit that he found Shepard attractive - hell, he'd found her more attractive than any woman he'd met in a long while. He had done his best to keep his interest in check, but he had hoped that when this all ended, he'd have the guts to ask Shepard out for a date. He'd been keeping an eye out for good restaurants on the Citadel. He had no idea what kind of food she liked, but he knew she like food. Kaidan chuckled to himself. The woman ate like a krogran: she put protein rations away like no one he'd ever seen.

But now the mission was going to continue – and without Anderson to oversee it. That meant Shepard would need to focus all her time on the mission. She wouldn't have time for casual chats in the mess hall about biotics and the mission and just whatever bull came to mind.

Kaidan frowned. This was unkind of him. He saw the importance of stopping Saren and that was far more important than anyone's personal feelings.

He just worried about Shepard in all of this, he told himself. She was in a weird spot now – he saw that the moment she stepped out onto that platform to be named a Specter.

Specters typically were kept secret, but Shepard's promotion had been done with all the fanfare the Alliance could throw at it. And that put Shepard in a strange position. She was no longer merely an officer, but neither had she been discharged from the Alliance. She now stood somewhere outside the ranks and outside the law, but the ties remained to both. Someone could get hanged with no support and yet ties all around them, he thought.

So as far as Kaidan was concerned, whatever thoughts he'd entertained about Shepard beyond the mission had to be set aside. He valued her as an officer, a fellow biotic, and a friend. He would have to be content with that.

Kaidan stepped into the elevator and punched the button. He didn't _want_ to be content with that, but he would have to be.

"Hold it, please." Kaidan recognized the voice instantly. He'd heard that low, determined voice over the comm just a moment before, giving an impassioned speech about the need to stop Saren.

"Commander," he said, stepping on the door to hold it open for her. Shepard slipped into the elevator with a thanks. She looked tired, Kaidan thought. He told her so.

"Ah, yeah," she said, running a hand through her hair. "Not much sleep. But the cabin upgrade should help with that."

"Where's our first stop, ma'am?" he asked. Maybe if he called her 'commander' and 'ma'am' enough, he'd stop thinking of her as "Shepard" in his head.

"Feros," she said decicively.

"Not the asari doctor?" he asked.

"The asari archeologist is out on a dig. She'll likely be there for a while. On the other hand, if the geth have attacked a colony, they may not be able to hold out long. We'll go to the colony first."

"Always saving colonies," he chuckled, thinking of Eden Prime.

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Yes," she said curtly and faced the wall.

Kaidan blinked. "Did I say something...out of order, ma'am?" he asked, cautiously.

Shepard's face softened and she gave a small sigh. "No," she said. "It's...nothing."

They both stared at the wall. Kaidan had the impression that glaciers probably moved faster than this elevator. Back when there had been glaciers, that is.

"So, you're a Specter now," he said, breaking the silence.

"Looks like it," she said.

"That's a big honor," Kaidan observed.

Shepard frowned. "It's a PR stunt," she said, that same cold-as-steel tone in her voice again. "But I'll use whatever tools I can to get the job done. If the Council wants to play like they aren't responsible for Saren, that's fine. I'll find him anyway."

Kaidan looked at her and said without thinking, "You okay, commander?"

Shepard looked at him as though the question surprised her. Then she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Kay – Alenko. I don't mean to be taking this out on you – on anyone. I'm just tired and I – we – have a lot of work to do." She paused. "But thanks for asking. That's good of you."

At that moment, the elevator reached the docking bay. Kaidan perversely found himself wishing that the ride had been longer.

"Of course, ma'am," he said, holding the door open for her. "You know I'm here for you."


	15. Feros

_Chapter 15_

_(in which Shepard is so busy saving Feros she forgets to eat - again)_

"These colonists are acting strangely," Shepard observed, glancing around the giant concrete room warily.

"We've lost almost everything," Fai Dan, the colony's leader, replied. "Don't judge us too harshly."

Shepard narrowed her eyes, but she nodded all the same. Kaidan noticed a flicker of biotic energy flare along the outline of her face for a moment. He felt his fingers itching to grab for his pistol. He knew what Shepard meant. There was something wrong here. He'd seen enough action to know to trust his gut when it came to bad feelings.

"I have to go," Shepard told the man. "Kaidan, Tali, move out."

As they walked away towards the tunnels, Kaidan stepped closer to Shepard. In a low voice, he asked, "What do you think is going on here?"

"I have no idea," Shepard replied, looking back at the cluster of people gathered around the ruined freighter. "But I know what a colony attack does to people. It makes them jumpy, not blissed out. It makes them nervous of outsiders – not telling newcomers to "stay on" and find out how wonderful the colony is. This is just wrong."

"Maybe different humans react differently," Tali observed, her accent tripping along the words lightly.

"Some humans, sure," Shepard nodded. "But not all. Besides, it's like there's a drug in the air here – it's hot and sluggish – can't you feel it?"

"Not through my suit," Tali said, her voice indicating a wry smile behind her mask.

"I can," Kaidan said. "I admit, I'm fighting to keep awake."

"Stay alert," Shepard said. "I have a feeling there's more going on here than they're telling us."

* * *

"Well," Shepard said wryly. "That was a LOT more than they were telling us."

Kaidan looked over the the concrete ledge they stood on and watched the Thorian fall. The massive creature landed with a sort of splat, like a mud pie on the sidewalk. It was a rather silly end to such an incredible life form, he thought. The Thorian was plant-being that had lived for almost one hundred thousand years. It had been able to ensnare some asari in it – clone her, too. It had manipulated the minds of all the people in the colony, presumably feeding off of whatever being came anywhere near it. It had been a one-of-a-kind being in all the galaxy.

Kaidan only had one thing to say about it's passing: "God, that thing smells bad."

"I'm glad I have a mask on, then," Tali said.

"Lucky you," he replied.

Shepard wiped her forehead and holstered her pistol. The biotic barrier that she had kept up all afternoon still glowed all around her. She looked like an anvenging angel, Kaidan thought. Or maybe a really pissed off biotic. One of the two.

"Damn it," she snapped. "Why doesn't anyone ever give us intel on this kind of stuff? Do you just realized we killed off one of the most unique forms of like in the galaxy?"

"It was turning humans into mindless husks," Kaidan pointed out, nodding at the exploded corpse far below them.

"Good point," Shepard said, blandly. "On second thought, bombs away."

Kaidan smiled at her. Shepard returned the smile and shook her head. She didn't want to go through life shooting everything that moved, truly, she didn't. At least they had been able to neutralize the colonists – the ones that hadn't turned into thralls yet – without killing them. But really, this shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later thing was becoming something of a habit. She didn't like it. It reminded her too much of the Blitz.

With a frown, Shepard pushed that idea from her mind.

Suddenly, a movement caught Shepard's eye. She reached for her pistol and fired up her biotic barriers one again. At this rate, she was going to have to eat five meals just to get her strength back up. She was burning through her energy like crazy today.

Kaidan saw Shepard's reaction and did the same: pistol up, biotic shield on. Tali grabbed her pistol and readied her omnitool. The trio turned just in time to see a pustule on the wall split open. There was a sickening squelching sound as a woman dropped out of it.

It was an asari. The alien had skin of deep purple and wore a heavy leather jumpsuit. She was covered in what looked like mucus. She stank, too, Kaidan thought.

Shepard held her pistol steady for a second, then holstered it and helped the asari to her feet. Kaidan kept his pistol at the ready, just in case.

"You okay?" Shepard asked her. Kaidan had to chuckle at that one. Shepard hadn't let her biotic barriers down – she wasn't stupid – but her impluse to help anyone, even under the weirdest circumstances, was admirable.

"I'm fine," the asari said, stumbling a little. Shepard held out a hand to steady her. "I suppose I should thank you," the asari said.

_Yeah_, Kaidan thought. _You probably should._

"What happened to you?" Shepard asked. "What were you doing in there? More importantly – are you the real asari, or are you another clone of...yourself."

"What a weird question," Tali remarked quietly to Kaidan.

"It's been a weird afternoon," he replied.

"Does this kind of thing happen to you humans a lot?" she asked.

"Only when Shepard's around," he murmured back.

The asari, Shiala, hesitated a moment, then told Shepard her whole bizarre tale: how the Thorian had once enslaved and eaten Protheans when the Proteans lived on this world fifty thousand years ago, how it had memories of the Protheans hidden inside of it and so held the link to deciphering the visions from the Prothean beacon of Eden Prime. Saren had needed that cipher to understand the visions, so he used the asari to meld with the Thorian, then forced her to meld minds with him. In this way, Saren had gotten the knowledge he needed from the Thorian in order to find this Conduit thing he was lookign for. Then he'd tried to kill the Thorian.

Shepard said nothing, but gave the asari a look that clearly said, _Are you serious?_

"Can I have the cipher?" Shepard asked. "I need to know what these visions – what it all means. I need to find that Conduit so that Saren doesn't use it to attack more colonies like he did on Eden Prime."

_And I need to know if my vision of the Reapers are mere delirium or more than that_, Shepard thought. She had said little about the other side of her vision, because she knew that it sounded completely crazy. The Council had thought it was crazy – Udina had thought it was crazy. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that the Reapers were the real threat, that Saren was just a distraction. But until she had more proof, how was she to convince anyone of her suspicions? Hell, she didn't even trust herself on her Reapers-are-the-real-bad-guys hunch most days.

"I would be honored to help you stop Saren," the asari told her, "I will gladly give you the cipher. This may...hurt a little..."

Shepard nodded and braced herself for whatever the asari planned to do to her.

_Hurt? _Kaidan frowned and took a step forward. But before he could do anything, the asari laid her forehead gently against the commander's. All he could see was that the both of them flinched. Their breathing grew shallow, as if both were carrying a heay load between them. The effect was – unsettling. Was it wrong that he found it vaguely...arousing? Kaidan scowled at himself.

Then the asari stepped back and frowned. Shepard blinked and looked up at the sky above the ruins. A single tear glistened along her lower eyelashes. Kaidan blinked. He had never – ever – seen the commander come close to crying.

"Are you alright?" he asked, only barely restraining himself from touching her. "What just happened?"

"I'm okay," she said, her voice sounding thin. "The visions – they make sense now – a little bit. They're, jumbled, but...I see the colors now and...ugh." She clutched her forehead and winced.

"I'm sorry," the asari was saying, but Kaidan stepped in and cut her off.

"Let's get you back to the ship," he said. "You look pale. You need rest."

"We need to check in on the colonists first," Shepard said, brushing him aside. The authority in her voice reminded him that she was the one giving orders and not he. Kaidan gritted his teeth. He knew she was right, but if he had been her CO, he would have had sent her back to the med bay immediately.

* * *

Checking in on the colonists took the rest of the afternoon. Shepard would simply not leave until she was certain that everything that _could_ be done for them _had_ been done for them. Doctor Chakwas brought medical supplies from the ship and treated wounds. The requisitions officer brought out half of his stock and burned it down into omnigel to help repair the broken machinery. Kaidan heard Shepard promise him that she would pay the bill herself. Half of the Normandy's food rations went to the colony and Shepard personally went around talking to everyone and checking in on them. As darkness fell on the planet, Kaidan finally went to her and caught her by the arm.

"Commander," he said. "You have got to get some rest."

"In a minute, lieutenant."

"Commander, it's nighttime."

She looked up at him in surprise, then out at the starlit sky beyond the broken windows. "You're right. We need to get back to the mission. We'll need to stop and re-supply the Normandy. Terra Nova, maybe. Take care, Ms. Baynum, and...Ms. Baynum." She waved goodbye to the mother and daugher before her – the family that she had helped re-unite. "I hope your colony grows strong."

"Thank you," the elder Ms. Baynum said. "I can't believe the war hero who saved a colony as big as Elysium would some day save a colony as small as this."

Shepard froze, her warm expression of a few moments ago growing chilly.

"The size of the colony doesn't matter," she replied. "It's home to you, and that's what matters." She gave them a curt nod of farewell, then walked away. Kaidan fell into step behind her.

"That was a little cold," he murmured.

"You have a problem, lieutenant?" she bit out.

Damn, she was prickly sometimes, Kaidan thought. Shepard would be all warm and friendly for a while, and then something would just stick in her craw and...

Not something, he realized suddenly. Some_where_. One particular place and time in her past. He wondered that he had never made the connection before.

"Why do you hate to talk about the Blitz?" he asked, curiousity making the question tumble out before he could think better of it.

She looked at him in surprise. "I don't..." She snapped her jaw shut and turned her gaze straight ahead. "We need to round up the crew and get them back to the ship. I'll radio Joker..." She reached her hand up to speak into the comm built into her suit.

"They're all on board," Kaidan said, reaching out a hand to stop her, but not actually touching her. "They've been ready to go for the past hour."

Shepard glanced over at him. "You told them to get back to the ship?"

"I, ah, took the liberty of getting everything ready to go – ma'am," he said, waiting to see her reaction.

"Ah," she said, her eyes narrowing. "Do you often take the liberty of giving orders to the rest of the crew, lieutenant?" she asked. Kaidan couldn't tell if she was joking or angry.

"No, ma'am," he said. "But you seemed...busy elsewhere."

"You mean distracted by making sure this colony was going to survive," Shepard replied. To Kaidan's surprise, her shoulders relaxed suddenly and she sighed. "Alright, you've got me there. I don't like seeing colonists suffer."

"Because of Mindoir or Elysium?" The words were out before Kaidan could stop them.

"Both," Shepard replied immediately. Then she frowned, as if she had not planned on speaking at all. She fell silent and walked on. Kaidan decided not to press his luck by asking her more questions when she was so obviously in a touchy mood. They folowed the winding hallways and stairways back towards the place where the Normandy was docked.

"This place is a real maze," Kaidan asked after a while, breaking the silence. "I keep feeling like we've been at this part before."

"Typical of a Prothean industrial complex," Shepard said absentmindedly.

"And is this concrete?" Kaidan went on. "This whole place looks like a parking garage back on earth."

Shepard shook her head. "It's similar to concrete, but the actual molecular structure is more akin to glue. It's an epoxy-resin, but with a silicone base. Finding out where the Protheans first started using this stuff is sort of the Holy Grail of Prothean studies, because if they could find that out, reasearchers would be able to pinpoint which of the many Prothean-settled worlds was their homeworld."

Kaidan's eyes widened as he turned to stare at Shepard.

"What?" she asked.

"You just...knew that? Off the top of your head?"

"We had a school on Mindoir," she replied with a shrug. "I know the rumors about border colony education..."

"Yeah, but...epoxy... Seriously, Shepard?"

"I was into architecture," she replied. "I thought about taking it up as a career before... Well, when I was a kid."

"You wanted to be an architect?" Kaidan stared at her incredulously.

"I like fortresses," she shrugged. "Medieval earth castles, asari walled cities of the Matriarch Era, World War II earth bunkers, Krogan warrens. I find them fascinating."

"An architect," Kaidan repeated.

"You have to admit," she said. "I have a very tactical mind. I find cover and I use it. It keeps me alive. It helped me stay alive on...in the past."

"Yeah, but a career in architecture?"

"Why not?"

"That just seems a little boring, for you – commander."

"I also thought I'd get married and have kids," she said, smiling a little now. "That's even more unbelievable, yeah?"

"Now that I can see," Kaidan murmured, adding quietly, "_Lucky bastard_."

"What was that?"

"I can see the married with kids part," Kaidan said aloud.

Shepard snorted inelegantly. "Yeah, right."

"No, really, I can. There are lots of spacer families who...you know. They figure something out."

"I suppose," she said,. It had been a long time since she had allowed herself to think about a life like that and she wasn't sure she wanted to start now. A life like that required stability, and she'd given up on that dream long ago.

Aloud she said: "I'm not sure I'm fit for something that...normal. Too many scars, you know."

"Why not?" Kaidan asked. "You certainly have become the father – er, mother figure to everyone on the ship. You're always watching out for them, keeping them in line."

"Yeah," she said wryly. "Keeping everyone in line except my smart-mouthed lieutenant. He's the one always breaking protocol to tell me how to do things – telling me to get back to my own ship and take a nap."

"It is past your bedtime, ma'am," Kaidan said with a straight face.

Shepard actually laughed at that one – laughed and snorted at the same time. "You keep that up, lieutenant, and you're going to find yourself repremanded," she said.

"How so?"

"Keel-hauled," she told him. "I'll strap you to the Normandy's hull in Ashley's pink armor."

"Always with the threats, commander."

Shepard snorted again and shook her head. "Most people would be quaking in their boots at this point, lieutenant."

"I follow your orders because I respect them, ma'am," he said seriously. "Not because you scare me."

Shepard clamped her mouth shut. Was it just her, or had the air suddenly gotten warmer around them? It must be the barrier she'd been using all day. She had probably given herself a fever.

"Watch it, lieutenant," she mumbled, feeling unaccountably awkward all of a sudden.

"Just trying to help, ma'am," Kaidan said, easily. "I want to make sure you don't burn yourself out."

"Burn out," Shepard sobered instantly. "Man, I feel burned out."

"Eat something," Kaidan urged her. "When we get back, you need to eat and sleep."

"Can't," she told him. "I gave all my rations away to Ms. Martinez."

"What?" Kaidan rubbed his forehead. "Commander..."

"The woman hadn't eaten in three days, Kay - lieutenant. I can eat tomorrow."

"Yeah, but they way you were using biotics..."

"I'll be fine."

"You can eat my rations."

"You'll need those yourself, lieutenant."

"I'll _share,_ commander."

She eyed him askance.

"Watch it, Alenko. You sound supsiciously like you're trying to give me orders."

"Just watching out for my commanding officer," he replied. "Just watching out for _you_, ma'am."

Shepard didn't know what to say to that, so she nodded. They walked back to the ship in silence.


	16. Singularity

_Chapter 16_

_(in which a Singularity results in much sexual tension)_

_*Special thanks goes out to Nightodie, whose "Walls Can Be Breached" is responsible for inspiring this. You're awesome!_

God, he was tired.

Kaidan had made sure the commander had gone to bed the moment they returned to the ship. He, of course, did not actually _tell_ her to do anything. That was against protocol for a start and secondly, implying that he thought Shepard ought to do sometime either made her bristle or caused her to tease him for his insubordination.

Either way was bad. The irritable Shepard was no fun at all and the teasing one... That was almost worse. Sometimes, Kaidan got the distinct impression that Shepard was amused by his inability to keep his opinions to himself – sometimes, he even wondered if she actually admired it. He was already having a hard time restraining himself from overstepping the line from being friendly with his commanding officer to actually _flirting_ with said commanding officer. So when Shepard blurred that line with her teasing, he had a hard time not following suit.

Kaidan wandered over to the sleeper pods, looking down the line at the faces of crew members who were already fast asleep. Chakwas was down for the night, Adams from engineering and the requisitions officer, too. People in sleeper pods was always looked a little creepy, Kaidan thought. Seeing human forms under glass like that always reminded him vaguely of a museum or a morgue.

Opening the locker near his pod, Kaidan stripped off his shirt and stashed it there. His shoes, socks and pants followed. Down to his undershorts, he pulled out a blanket and shut the locker.

But before he lay down on the bed, he felt the strangest sensation. It was like the ship had suddenly pulled hard to starboard, as if gravity was yanking him towards the wall behind him – towards Shepard's cabin. He gripped the bed to right himself.

_What the hell had that been?_

Kaidan felt another whiplash of gravity, this time, stronger. The flickering hum of energy that went with it was incredible, slashing like swift lightning. Then he heard a strange sound: a sort of muffled clanking, as though coming from a long way off – or heavily dampened by a separating wall.

_Shepard_.

Without thinking, Kaidan jumped out of bed and raced around the corner. He did not even have to knock, for the door to her suite immediately slid open. He knew that she never locked her doors - no one dared to disturb her when she had gone into her private sanctuary. He realized that he was the first to have entered the room since it had become hers.

Peering through the open doors, Kaidan saw a chilling sight. A swirling ball of energy floated in the air before him, blue-white against the black. Shepard was nowhere in sight.

"Commander?" Kaidan called. A muffled cry came from somewhere in the back of the room. Without thinking, he hurried inside. The doors slid shut behind him, landing him in near-darkness. Only the singularity before him gave an eerie light to the corners. He squinted to see.

"Commander?"

Kaidan ducked as chair came whirling by his head. Much of the furniture in the room was bolted down, but some of it was in orbit around the ball of light.

"No!" Kaidan heard the cry from somewhere across the room. He turned his eyes to the sound, but saw nothing beyond the bright vortex. A desk lamp went flying by his ear. Kaidan winced. That had been close. Now he knew what had happened to the lights. _First things first_, he thought. He would have to shut that singularity down.

Kaidan raised his hand and clenched his fist; trapping the singularity in a stasis field. There was a shimmering, rippling effect as the two mass effect fields collided, then a chorus of crashes as the chairs in the room dropped suddenly to the floor.

Kaidan wiped the sweat from his forehead. Shepard's singularities were pretty amazing things. That hadn't been easy. The room plunged into near-darkness with the singularity gone. Only the faint blue track lighting around the floor gave any illumination at all.

A soft cry caught Kaidan's attention. He looked to the source, and there, in the furthest corner of the room, he saw Shepard. She was half sitting, half leaning against the wall, her knees up to her chest, her hands out in front of her. Here eyes were closed, her face in agony. His heart twisted in his chest at the sight of her like this. Carefully, he approached her.

"Shepard?" His voice was little more than a whisper.

Her face snapped into a mask of rage. Biotic energy slid over her body like cold fire. A mass of energy roiled in her hands and Kaidan barely had time to leap out of the way she threw the shimmering orb right past his ear. It slammed into one of the chairs and smashed it into pieces against the wall.

_Damn_, Kaidan thought. No wonder the ship had seemed to pitch. The woman was radiating on a frequency he had only seen during her most heated battles. Shepard had pulled this kind of power before, but then it had been strategic, used with deadly precision. Now, she was firing wildly at anything and everything in the room.

She must be having another nightmare, Kaidan thought, remembering back to the time she had shattered open a sleeper pod. He was suddenly grateful that she had her own room. If she had done something like this in the crew's quarters, there would be more than clothes and furniture littering the floor.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered. He didn't know why he'd whispered, because it was pretty clear that sound did not carry from her room to the rest of the ship. He had scarcely heard the first crash and he had been listening for it. Still, he pitched his voice low out of some sense of gentleness. He felt at once that he would have to be careful with her when she was like this.

"Shepard," he said again, coming to the foot of her bed. He realized that he'd used her name twice now instead of her title, but he figured protocol was sort of a moot point right now.

In sleep, Shepard winced, as though someone had struck her. Her biotic barrier twisted and ebbed all down her body. She was wearing the usual military sleepwear: high performance fabric tank top and shorts; he could see that every muscle in her arms and legs were tensed. Her blanket was wrapped around one foot, and she pulled at it as if it was a chain.

"Hey," Kaidan said, getting down on his hands and knees and crawling over to her. "You're okay. You're dreaming again." As he reached for her, she made a small cry and backed away. Her barrier flared even more. He could feel her tensing for another biotic slam.

_Even trapped in dreams, she's a fighter,_ he thought, admiring. _Every inch the Valkyrie._

Before Shepard could attack him at such close range, Kaidan threw on a biotic barrier. Then, quickly as he could, he pulled Shepard into his arms. She tensed against him, a warp field firing out at random, her open palm snapping out right for his nose. He turned his head to avoid the worst of it, but she caught him in the jaw with her elbow.

"Ouch!" he cried, struggling to keep his barrier in place. "You're going to hurt yourself. Stop fighting me, damn it! It's me, Shepard! It's Kaidan."

Shepard heard the words dimly, recognized the voice. _It's Kaidan_, she thought. Kaidan was calling to her. She fought back against the black claws of sleep that kept dragging her down. She didn't have to stay here, she thought. This time, it was a dream. This time, she could escape.

Shepard woke, breathing hard, clutching hold of something: no, some_one_. Kaidan's arms were holding her close; his biotic barrier was glowing as brightly as her own. Shepard could not remember the last time someone had held her this tightly. At once, she stopped fearing that she would slide down into dreams again. Without even meaning to, she gripped his arms, rested her head against his bare chest and sighed.

Kaidan froze in shock. He'd seen Shepard's eyes open, the dimming of her biotic barrier signaling that she'd woken. He'd loosened his grip on her, ready to let her pull away. And then she'd gone and held onto him. He wondered if she could hear his heart thundering in his chest, because he certainly could.

Shepard turned her face up to meet his. She looked at Kaidan with a mixture of surprise and something else – something warm that made Kaidan's heart suddenly flip over in his chest. He was suddenly aware that his face was only inches away from hers. Faint biotic fires shimmered down the lines of her face. She was beautiful, he thought, absentmindedly rubbing his hand over her shoulders. Her arms were so strong - her biotics so strong. Beauty and strength and power all at once. It was a dizzying combination.

In that moment, Kaidan looked down Shepard, and thought of her as nothing more than the woman he held in his arms. And he found he wanted nothing more than to keep her there.

Shepard blinked and blushed, but she did not pull away. "Kaid – ah, Alenko," she said. "How did...?" She trailed off as she turned her head looked down the length of the room. Kaidan followed her gaze.

"Damn," she murmured.

"Yeah," he said. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Are you...? Oh, Kaidan," she said, looking at his face in horror. Kaidan blinked at the use of his given name, then again as Shepard trailed her thumb across his lip. "Did I do that to you?"

"Huh?" His brain completely failed to register anything at all except that she was touching his mouth.

"I think I split your lip," she said, frowning. "And your eye! My God, that's going to be a shiner. Wait here. I'll go get some medigel."

"Medigel?" Kaidan blinked. She was thinking of medigel? Here he was, completely aroused from holding her, and she was thinking of _medigel_? He suddenly felt like a complete idiot.

"I'll get it," he said, pulling away from her and standing. Hopefully the darkness was enough to disguise his reaction to her.

"I'll get it," Shepard said, standing as well.

"Ma'am," he began, "I can..."

"If you go walking out of my quarters at," she glanced at the clock, "0100 hours, with your lip split open and dressed like that," she looked down his body and her eyes widened briefly before she yanked her gaze up to meet his, "then what do you think they're going to imagine we were doing in here? I'll go and make sure no one else heard all that."

She turned sharply and walked out of the room in bare feet.

_And just like that, we're back to CO and subordinate_, Kaidan thought, frowning as he ran a hand through his hair. And why should that bother him anyway? It wasn't as though Shepard was interested – though, for a moment there, she had looked very...

_She's your commanding officer,_ he told himself firmly. _She's off limits in a very big way_.

Kaidan was suddenly disgusted with himself. Here he was, half-naked in his commanding officer's private quarters, and it seemed damn clear by her rush to get away from him that she was merely shocked at his presumption. The thought was enough to dampen any lingering...feelings.

Kaidan shook his head and began to right the furniture in the room. The tables and bed were bolted down, but the chairs and lamps had taken quite a beating. He plugged in the desk lamp, giving the place a little more light than the track lighting had done. Shepard had shredded one of her pillows with a warp field. The synthetic filling was everywhere.

"You don't need to clean up my mess," Shepard said softly. She walked back into the room to find Kaidan picking up bits of fluff from under the desk. While she liked the sight of his backside from this angle... She shook herself.

This was really not appropriate. It had been one thing to flirt when they'd both been officers on a shakedown run, both under the command of another officer, both looking forward to shore leave in a few weeks if all went well. They had skirted the boundaries of protocol just a little, but it was just a bit of harmless flirting, or so she had told herself. But the mission was hers now, the responsibility for the crew entirely hers. What she did and how she treated her crew mattered more than ever – especially now that she saw no end in sight to the frustrating tangle that Saren had left behind.

And yet, she found herself drawn to the lieutenant in a way that grew stronger and more complicated every day.

She couldn't understand it. She had made a career on being professional and getting the job done. She had taken pride in the fact that she did not factor her personal feelings or wishes into the equation at all. So since when had she suddenly started wanting something for herself so badly?

"Here's the medigel..." She held it out to him, ready to apply it to his face.

"I've got it," Kaidan said, taking the pack from her. His voice was cold and he immediately turned his back on her. Shepard frowned at his words.

_Well, there you are_, she thought. _The quickest way to loose the respect of your crew is to act too familiar with them_. She watched, feeling strangely awkward, as Kaidan looked into her mirror and dabbed the medigel on his lip. The split began to close almost at once.

"I'm sorry for this, lieutenant," she said hesitantly. Now was the time to re-establish some boundaries, she thought. Feeling suddenly naked in her underclothes, she looked around for something to put on over her sleepwear. The door of her closet hung ajar and its contents appeared to have exploded onto the floor. Shepard grabbed the first thing she saw: an officer's jacket that hung down to mid-thigh. It would be long enough to cover her tight shorts, at least. Shepard yanked it on, used one hand to hold it closed and used the other hand to brush her hair out of her eyes.

"So, you heard me – screaming or something? Is that why you came to check in on me?" She tried to keep her voice light. _How pathetic was I?_ she wanted to ask.

"No," he replied, still not looking at her. He was dabbing at his eye, now. "I felt the singularity."

"Felt it?" She gaped at him. "Through the _wall_?"

"Your biotics are pretty damn strong, commander."

Shepard frowned. He sounded angry. She must have hit him harder than she thought.

"You okay?" she asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Kaidan straightened and slammed the medigel down on her desk.

"Kay – Alenko, I'm sorry if I..."

"I'm fine," he snapped. Then he turned around to face her.

Kaidan swallowed hard. She had pulled on an officer's dress jacket and was wearing it like a shield – a damn sexy shield. Barefoot as she was, it gave the impression that she was wearing that jacket with nothing under it. It was as if she had gone right into his recent fantasy life and pulled out a scene just to tempt him. Kaidan felt his temperature rising. And after he'd finally cooled off, too.

"I should go," he said quickly.

"Of course," she said. "I..." She broke off suddenly and put up a hand to warn him to be silent. Kaidan stopped in his tracks. Shepard walked to the entrance of her room and the doors began to slide open. Shepard glanced outside, then pressed a button on the wall. The doors slid shut with a snick.

"Problem, commander?" Kaidan asked. He tried to keep the question casual, but his voice had suddenly gotten raspy on him. She had let the jacket fall open and the hint of clothes underneath was even more tantalizing than when she had been wearing nothing but them.

"Joker," she said. "And Williams. Looks like they're settling in for a coffee."

"At one in the morning?"

"Their shift is off a little from ours," she explained. "I've had them helping Adams scan for minerals and salvage while we've been off on ground-side missions."

"So we're just stuck in here until they leave?"

"Looks like it," she replied. Their eyes met and Kaidan looked hastily away. He suddenly felt very exposed. He crossed his arms over his chest. Well, hell, he had no pants on, no wonder he was feeling exposed.

No pants on and standing in the commander's bedroom. _Okay, Alenko. Think of something else, something other than what you're actually thinking about right now or she's going to notice your reaction to her and then she's gonna finish what she started on your face._

"You're scanning for minerals?" he asked. His voice sounded like sandpaper, he thought, but at least he was staying on a neutral topic. It was a good start.

"It's a waste of time, I know," Shepard said with a sigh. She righted a chair and sat down in it, her knees pressed tightly together and her jacket pulled close over her chest. "But this mission isn't exactly funding itself, you know."

Kaidan frowned. "The council didn't give you any money at all?"

"Not a single credit," she said wryly.

"That's...odd," he frowned and looked away. "Commander," he said, after a moment, "Maybe it's not my place to say it, but may I speak off the record?"

Shepard laughed. She couldn't help it.

"Alenko, I think this conversation is going to be about as 'off the record' as they come."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at that, then smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I guess so."

_Damn_, Shepard thought, watching him. The man simply had no idea how good he looked, did he? It was probably for the best that he didn't realize how much she was enjoying this view of him, leaning back against her desk as he was, arms folded over his chest...

"Don't you think, commander?"

Shepard blinked. She hadn't heard a word he'd just said. She mentally kicked herself. She _never_ missed what was going on in the conversation. Then again, Kaidan Alenko in his underclothes was a powerful distraction.

"I'm sorry. Say again?"

"I said it's strange that the council can't give you any backup when they sent you out here to do the impossible. I mean, just today we just found out that this rogue specter agent of theirs has been trading his followers to an ancient sentient plant life in exchange for information about some lost alien technology, and all they can say is, "Too bad you had to shoot the plant?""

Shepard chuckled. "Yup, that pretty much sums up the conversation I had with them."

"That just seems...odd, commander. We're out here cleaning up _their_ mess and they can't help you out?"

"At least they let me have the ship," she said. "Though that was as much the Alliance as the council."

"It's just that you'd think the council would give us something more – information at the very least – or that they would at least believe you about your visions."

Shepard frowned. She leaned forward slightly stared down at her toes. "Yeah, visions..."

"Commander?"

"You believe me, don't you, K..lieutenant?" She gave him with a measuring look. "About the visions, I mean."

"Of course I do," he said without hesitation. "I was there too, if you remember. Well, of course you remember," he added lamely, remembering the circumstances under which he had been the cause of her seeing the beacon's visions in the first place. "I started to get pulled into that thing. I didn't see what you saw, but I felt – something." He frowned. "And anyway, even if I hadn't felt it, remember that I heard the dock worker's testimony and I helped you dismantle those bombs. I know Saren was trying to blow up that beacon, and why would he blow up something like that if he was trying to use it to trick you? That makes no sense. So, yeah," he added, with a shrug, realizing he was babbling. "I believe you."

Shepard let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Glad to know someone seems to think I'm sane. Sometimes, I wonder."

"You wonder about the visions?"

"I'm the only one who sees them," she pointed out.

"That asari saw them, too," he told her.

"You mean the one who had been stuck in a Thorian pustule for how many weeks? And that's suppose to corroborate my sanity?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Good point. Well, whatever the circumstance are, I believe you, commander. I'm sure we'll find proof that will convince everyone else, too."

And just like that, Shepard thought, he was standing by her, even if it meant standing against the rest of the galaxy. She had never known anyone to back her up so completely.

"So those visions from the beacon," Kaidan said, drawing her attention back to the present. "Is that..." he paused. "Are they what you were dreaming about?"

"What I was having nightmares about, you mean? Yeah, that and other things." Shepard sighed and looked at her toes. "I have a past that could keep me up at night all on it's own – but then, most Marines do. I didn't need the beacon's help with that. But it seems the images got wrapped around all the...nastier parts of my mind. It's like my brain is trying to process it all and it's latching onto the closest possible memory – like a translator that doesn't have a perfect phrasing, it's just grabbing onto the next best thing."

"And the next best thing is...?"

"The stuff of nightmares," she shivered. "And now that I have the cipher, the visions are...more vivid."

"Did you...see anything useful? Not," he amended, "that I'm not concerned about the nightmares. I am. I just thought..." Inwardly he cursed himself. _Nice, Alenko. Really sensitive._

"You're being practical," she said, chuckling a little. "I can appreciate that. No, nothing useful. Just lots of bodies and death. Then it got mixed up in my mind with Mindoir and... No, there was nothing useful."

Kaidan opened his mouth, but he couldn't think of what to say. What could he say? He knew all about messy pasts. He certainly couldn't think of any way that anyone could fix his own history. The pieces had just fallen where they lay. He had no idea what to say to Shepard about hers.

"It's alright," she said, waving a hand. "And as far as the council goes, well, the council wants to believe nothing is wrong and that there is an easy answer to all this. I happen to believe otherwise. But then, that's why they hired me to deal with their messy truths."

Kaidan frowned. "I suppose that's true. Only you think that as long as the council has been around they would be a little more savvy. I mean, here we humans are, the newcomers on the scene, and it seems we're the only ones who appreciate the dangers of the space – or the beauty in it either."

Shepard leaned back and crossed her legs. "I never figured you for a romantic, Alenko," she said. "But the more time we spend together, the more I'm beginning to realize that you're an even bigger idealist than I am – if such a thing is possible."

Kaidan found his throat had suddenly gone dry. Shepard's legs were outlined in a blue glow, and she seemed completely unaware of the fact that her jacket was gaping open, giving him shadowy glimpses of fabric and skin.

This was the trouble with Shepard, Kaidan thought. On the one hand, she was so beautiful that all he wanted to do was stare at her. Seeing her in that officer's jacket with her bare legs like that made it hard to keep his eyes on her face. On the other hand, she was someone he liked – that he respected, even – and when she stopped being so cold and aloof, she was damn easy to talk to.

And she wasn't being aloof now. Instead, she was acting like they were old friends – if old friends were in a habit of talking while sitting around half-clothed in the middle of the night, that is. And God help him, but he just couldn't stay aloof himself.

So instead, he found himself opening his mouth and saying: "I suppose I am a romantic. At least, I was in the beginning."

"So, did you sign on for the dream, Alenko?" Shepard asked. ""Secure Man's Future in Space" and all that?"

"Yeah," Kaidan laughed, realizing she'd pegged him. "I read a lot of books like that as a kid, where the hero goes to prove himself worthy of the woman he loves. Or," he caught himself, "you know – for justice."

Shepard felt her heart flip a little at his words. _For love and justice._ Damn, he was just as idealistic as she was. She had certainly signed on for the dream – the dream of stopping the bad guys, of saving other colonies from the same fate as Mindoir. But sometimes she just felt helpless against the darkness in the world. To see the sincerity in Kaidan's eyes made her admire him all the more. The lieutenant just kept exceeding her expectations. The thought, perversely, made her want to jump him.

Shepard dropped her gaze, noticed her jacket was gaping, and pulled it tight.

"But yeah," Kaidan was saying, "I thought about it after brain camp..."

"What camp?" _Focus, Shepard._ She fought to pay attention to his words and not way the low, blue light outlined the muscles of his arms and chest.

"Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training," Kaidan clarified.

"Tell me about it," Shepard said, willing her mind to concentrate on his words and not his body.

Kaidan paused for just a second – and then he did. He told her all about BAaTT training – about Rahna even, his childhood crush. He wished he could pretend he didn't know where _that_ thought had come from, but he knew clearly enough what had caused it. The woman sitting across from him was ten times as pretty as Rahna, and far more interesting, but Shepard gave him that same feeling of being seventeen again and not quite knowing where to look. He tried to keep his gaze on her eyes, but they kept trailing down to her legs. It didn't help that she kept crossing and recrossing them, one over the other. Funny how he'd never noticed how long they were when she was in her armor.

"Sounds like she was special to you," Shepard was saying.

_She's quickly becoming so_, Kaidan thought, gazing at Shepard's face. He'd never seen anyone with such an open face. No pity, no condemnation. Just listening. As if she knew exactly what you meant before you even said it.

Then Kaidan realized she was talking about the past – about Rahna – not his deluded fantasies in the present.

"Oh, yeah," he said, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, "She was. She was smart and beautiful and charming. Sort of like you...I guess...uh, ma'am."

_Nice, Alenko_. Mentally he kicked himself. _Really graceful backpedal, there_. Shepard was now looking at him with her brows drawn. Great. Now he'd gone and said something completely unprofessional.

"Beautiful?" she repeated.

"Uh, yeah," he said. "But I'm sure you know that. That you're beautiful, I mean. Not that you're stuck up about it," he added hastily. "You're just – in good shape, you know. The, uh, biotics do great things for your figure." He willed himself to shut up before he said anything more. Shepard was still just staring at him.

Shepard felt her heart skip a beat even as she cursed herself for being so silly. She was the commanding officer of this ship, a decorated war hero and, as of last week, the first human Specter. She shouldn't give a damn about what her lieutenant thought about her looks. In the military, beauty got you nowhere. Being scary, intimidating, persuasive, that mattered. Being pretty was icing on the cake at best, a liability at worst. She knew that certain persons in the top brass only respected her because of the scars that marred her once-normal face.

But as she looked at Kaidan – the lieutenant – she found she was flattered. She didn't need him to approve – truly, she didn't – but she liked it that he did. Shepard felt the color rise in her cheeks and thanked heaven that the lights were low. She fought for a suitably neutral answer.

"Well, gee, thanks, Alenko. It's good to know all the extra protein rations I'm getting are doing this body good."

"Uh..." Kaidan couldn't tell if she was joking or offended.

"Jump Zero sounds like a hell of a training ground," Shepard went on.

"It was," Kaidan nodded, grateful to return to a safer topic. "So, ah, enough about my boring life out on Gagarin. How'd you receive your training?"

"Made most of it up as I went along," she surprised him by saying. "I didn't get IDed as a biotic until I got into the service. But for a late bloomer, my powers kicked in strong. Suffice it to say, it was kind of a shock to adapt to all that."

"I bet it was," Kaidan said. He stiffened when she crossed her legs again, looking elsewhere – anywhere – to avoid staring at her. He glanced to the wall behind her, then his face fell as he saw the clock. "Oh, God. It's almost 0300, commander."

Shepard glanced over her shoulder to where her clock hung askew. "Oh," she said, simply.

Kaidan stood. "If Joker and Williams are gone, I should go. I didn't realize it was so late – er, early. I wasn't trying to waste your time with bull about what happened years ago."

"You didn't," she said, giving him one of her rare smiles. "And I'm glad you were here. I'd rather talk with you than, well...shred the room." She waved a hand at the remaining mess. "Thanks for the talk, Kaidan."

She realized belatedly that she had used his name informally once again. She wondered if he'd notice.

Kaidan had noticed. He tried not to read anything into it, but he saw it was becoming a habit of hers. It was a habit he liked far too much. He cleared his throat.

"Uh. You're welcome," he said, just stopping short of calling her "Shepard" in return. He frowned and added, "I'd better go." He got halfway to the door, then turned around, because he just had to know:

"Do you make a habit of getting this personal with everyone, ma'am?"

"_This_ personal?" Shepard laughed. "This personal as in having my lieutenant dash into my private quarters while I'm sleeping, having him defend himself against my biotic attacks while I'm dreaming, and then become trapped in my own room with him for over an hour while I wait for my nosy helmsman and gunnery chief to finish their coffee? I assure you, lieutenant, this is not a common occurrence."

He smiled in return. "I sort of more meant the talking me up about my past, but..."

"No," she said, surprising herself with the admission. "No, I don't get this personal with everyone, Kaidan."

The words were out of her mouth before she could consider the wisdom of them. But even as she spoke them, she could hardly wish them unsaid. He looked at her in a way she honestly had never seen anyone look at her before. It wasn't businesslike or wary or even worshipful. It was just...interested.

"Let's talk later Kaidan." She used his name again, and this time, she didn't try to correct herself.

"I...think I'm going to need some time to process all of this commander," he said, slowly. "But yeah, I'd like that."


	17. Leather and Medigel

_Chapter 17_

_(in which Joker, of all people, figures it out)_

"So," Joker said as Kaidan sat down in the chair beside him. They were en route to Terra Nova to re-supply the ship. The mission at Feros had cost them most of their rations thanks to Shepard's generosity. Joker was sitting at the helm, setting the course, and Kaidan had agreed to make a few more changes to the navigation systems to that they would be easier to calibrate from Joker's computer.

"So?" Kaidan looked at Joker in confusion. That had not been a normal "so." It had been a "so" with eyebrows raised and a crooked grin to go with it.

"So, what were you doing in the commander's quarters at 1 a.m.?" Joker asked.

Kaidan turned and gaped at him.

"How did you...?" He caught himself and glanced over his shoulder.

"Hah! I thought so." Joker smirked.

Kaidan felt like kicking himself. He'd as good as admitted it. "Who else knows?"

"Just me," Joker said. "Williams had her back to the door, but I saw the commander walk across the deck to the medical bay in her skivvies – it was a nice view, by the way."

Kaidan glared.

"But _not_ so nice that I want to get killed over it," Joker amended hastily. "Geez, Alenko. Lighten up."

"Joker," Kaidan warned, "this is our commanding officer we're talking about."

"Don't I know it," Joker agreed. "So what did you two do with the medigel? You kinky kids you."

"Joker, that's disgusting."

"I know, right? Wouldn't that be, like, kind of slimy? 'Cause I'm thinkin'..."

"Joker," Kaidan said, pinching his nose.

"...and if you tried to lick it off, wouldn't it get your tongue numb, or something?

"Joker," Kaidan snapped. "I used it for my _face_."

Joker grimaced. "Yeah, I really didn't need that detail."

"No," Kaidan said, shaking his head. "It wasn't like that. Damn it, she hit me, Joker."

Joker looked briefly taken aback. "Okay," he said nodding slowly. "I can see where some guys might get off of that kind of thing. The commander always seemed more of a paragon of virtue to me, but I guess with the right pair of boots and a whip..."

"Joker," Kaidan said, now rubbing his forehead. "If Shepard hears you say that, then _I_ won't have to be the one to kill you."

"'Shepard,' is it?"

"I mean, the commander," Kaidan corrected himself hastily.

"I'm worried about this, man," Joker said. "I mean, S&M might sound like fun now, but you could get seriously hurt. We need you at your best on this mission." He gave his friend a look of sorrowful concern that suddenly broke into a wide grin. "Then again, in black leather, the commander might..."

"God, Joker!" Kaidan exploded. He realized a few people looked up at his outburst and he lowered his voice hastily. "It wasn't like that. _Nothing_ happened. She was having a nightmare – because of the beacon. I felt – I heard a noise and went to check on her. She hit me when I tried to wake her up. But it was an accident. She got the medigel for me – for my face – and we waited for you and Williams to leave so it wouldn't cause talk below decks. Only now I see the talk's already started."

"I didn't talk," Joker frowned and turned his attention back to the monitor in front of him. "And I won't. Come on, Alenko. You know me better than that."

"Thanks," Kaidan said, relief flooding him.

"Only I liked my version better," he added petulantly. "Leather and medigel..."

"Joker..." Kaidan let out an exasperated sigh. Then he paused and looked over at the helmsman. "Wait a second, how did you even know I was in her room? You only saw her leave, right?"

"Yeah, well, I thought that was weird that the commander was out in her skivvies, and walking so quickly, too, like she didn't want to be seen or stopped, but it didn't really register until I went to go to sleep. There was a pod already opened and turned down for the night. Only when I open up the locker, there's clothes inside – your clothes."

"How did you know they were mine?"

"Your dogtags were stuck in your shirt."

"Oh."

"I kind of put two and two together." Joker smirked. "Or one officer and one officer, if you get my meaning."

"Damn," Kaidan muttered. He couldn't believe he'd been so careless.

"Williams didn't see anything," Joker assured him. "She was at the other end of the row and she never turned around as the commander passed. So I just closed your pod and took the one next to it."

"Oh." Kaidan nodded. "That right. I didn't remember shutting it." They sat there in silence for a minute.

"So how was she?" Joker asked. "The commander, I mean."

"Nothing happened," Kaidan said, willing himself not to get annoyed. "We just talked."

"In your skivvies." It was a statement, not a question.

"She put on...a jacket." Kaidan tried not to conjure up the image of Shepard wearing her officer's jacket and little else. He failed.

"You were in the commander's quarters," Joker said. "_With_ the commander. _In_ her skivvies. In _your _skivvies."

"God, Joker, come up with another word for it."

"And a pack of medigel. And you did..._nothing_?"

"She's my – our – commanding officer."

"And you've been staring at her for weeks."

Joker waited for Kaidan's protest, his exasperated denial, but when the lieutenant said nothing, Joker looked over at him. Something in Kaidan's expression made Joker's face fall.

"Whoa," he said, amazed. "You actually _like_ her."

"Of course I like her," Kaidan replied stiffly. "She's a good Marine."

"No, I mean you _like her_ like her."

"What is this, grade school, Joker?"

"Damn, Kaidan," Joker looked a little abashed. "I didn't know."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Kaidan asked.

"It just means..." Joker paused. "That this isn't something to tease about."

"Never stopped you before."

"Yeah, but now you're actually _serious_ about her."

"I'm not," Kaidan told him hastily. "We're on duty."

"Being on duty and being serious about her are two different things, Alenko."

"Since when did you become the ship's shrink, Joker?"

Joker fell silent for a moment, then snorted. "Alenko?"

"What?"

"You are _so_ screwed."


	18. Asteroid X67

_Chapter 18_

_(in which the ground team tempts Shepard's wrath by questioning her driving)_

Kaidan sat beside Shepard in silence. The decision hadn't been easy for her to make, and he could see the doubt in her eyes.

_Batarian extremists, commander. This isn't going to end well. We should just take them all out. We could bomb this asteroid with the Normandy's guns._

_There are hostages in there, Garrus. Those lives have to come first._

_So you're going to negotiate with terrorists?_

_Tell me, Garrus. Is this a hostage situation or a terrorist negotiation? We came here to stop this attack and save those people who put out the distress call. That's still the mission._

_But they're slavers, commander._

_No one hates Batarians more than me, Garrus. No one._

_So if it comes down to saving those hostages or stopping that crazy bastard who's doing all this – what's it going to be Shepard? Let the criminal go just to save just a few lives?_

_God, I hope so._

Kaidan remembered the conversation from just an hour ago – or had it even been that long? Shepard's last words had been said almost like a prayer, as if she wasn't sure she'd have the strength to make the right decision in the end.

"Commander, are you okay?" he asked, quietly. In the dark shadows of the Mako, Shepard's face was lit by the red glow from the dash. She looked so tired.

"I'm fine," was all she said.

It was funny, Kaidan thought. A week ago, he would have mistaken the grim set of her mouth for determination and disgust. Now he saw there was frustration there, too, and anger, and perhaps a little bit of...relief? He wanted to say something, maybe touch her back, but he knew it wasn't his place.

He wished it _was_ his place, though.

He's seen the biotics flaring all along her body the entire mission. When she spoke to the Batarians – whenever they stopped shooting long enough to talk, that is – the crackling from her amps was enough to make his teeth tingle. It was a wonder she hadn't ripped them all into shreds where they stood. He could only imagine her history with them: first Mindoir, then the Blitz, but damn it if she hadn't remained as cold as ice – colder, perhaps. She'd dealt with the situation in a far more merciful manner than anyone else would have done Probably more so than he would have done.

"I'm glad you were there, Alenko," Shepard said at last, her voice quiet in the near darkness.

"Commander?"

"I'm glad you were there. Having you at my back – well, when you're around, it makes me want to do the right thing, you know? It keeps me from becoming the monster I feel inside."

"Monster?" Kaidan frowned. "Commander, you're no monster."

Shepard snorted. "Kaidan, do you have any idea what it is to look into the heart of darkness and see yourself there?"

"I..." Kaidan blinked. "Where exactly are you going with this, ma'am?"

Shepard shook her head. To his amazement, she was chuckling. "The horror, the horror," she murmured.

"Ma'am?"

"Didn't you ever have to read that book in school?"

"Uh..."

"Right. I bet BAaTT didn't really do classical literature."

"We read books."

"Just not Joseph Conrad."

"Who?"

"Nothing." She shook her head.

"Commander?" Garrus poked his head into the port hole of the Mako. "Repairs are made. This thing will drive again, though I'd really appreciate it if you could find a better way to deal with guard towers in the future than simply hoping our shields will protect us."

"Do you have a problem with my driving, turian?" Shepard asked. She seemed oddly playful just now, Kaidan thought. Though he was getting better at reading her moods, the way in which one would lead into another still really threw him.

"Yeah, I do," Garrus replied, climbing back into the tank to sit right between the commander and the lieutenant. "Next time, let Kaidan drive. He's more restrained than you."

"I find it's best not to tell a woman how to drive, Garrus," Kaidan told him.

"Whoa," Shepard said, glaring over at Kaidan and then back at Garrus. "Are you two suggesting that I can't drive because I'm a _woman_?"

"Ah," Garrus choked out a laugh. "It was nice knowing you, lieutenant."

"No ma'am," Kaidan said hastily. "It's just that..."

"I learned how to drive one of these when I was twelve – colony living, you know."

"Did you learn to shoot there, too?" Garrus asked.

"You saying I can't shoot, either?" She raised her eyebrows. "Alright, Vakarian. You're _on_."

"You can shoot," Garrus conceded hastily, "but your use of cover needs work."

"So you two would rather that I, what? Just sit here in the Mako in my jumpsuit and look pretty?"

Both the man and the turian stared at her, then looked away and shifted uncomfortably.

"What?" Shepard asked, looking back and forth between the two of them. When neither said a word, she frowned. "Geez. Next time, I'm bringing Tali and Ashley with me. They won't have such an issue with my driving."

"Ashley would probably approve of your head-on approach to the towers," Kaidan observed wryly.

"Damn straight, she would," Shepard said. "Alright, men. If you're done questioning my driving abilities, let's radio the Normandy and get off this rock."


	19. Vid Mail

_Chapter 19_

_(in which the arrival of a doctor adds to the tangle)_

Kaidan hesitated just inside the door to the comm room. Behind him, he could hear Shepard speaking with the Council via a comm link. She sounded tired.

Well, why wouldn't she?

It had taken them weeks of searching to find the asari archeologist, Liara T'Soni. The alien woman had found the most remote and miserable spot for a dig in the traverse, in Kaidan's opinion. Their rescue of her had been a near thing. Kaidan still felt a little jumpy – he had nearly been singed by the hot ash and air spewing from the tunnels after the dig site had turned into a volcanic time bomb.

But Shepard had gotten them out safely. The moment she'd yelled "Move!" they had no choice but to run. Her voice was so compelling, Kaidan imagined that her crew probably found it impossible to disobey her. How could you, when she brooked no refusal and kept saving everyone's butts because of her decisions?

And now there she was, leaning on the railing near the comm link. The Council's holograms had shimmered away, and she looked very pale. Kaidan glanced back over his shoulder at the CIC, then walked back into the room, allowing the doors to close behind him. He didn't think that anyone had seen that he was still in here with the commander.

"Commander?" he asked, coming closer to her. "You alright?"

"You ask me that a lot these days, lieutenant," she said, not looking up.

"Yeah, well, that's the second time an asari has melded minds with you to get a look at those visions you got from that Prothean beacon. It doesn't look very...pleasant."

"It's not," she said straightening and smoothing her hair back. "Each time I see a little more, can stand to stare a little longer..." She broke off and closed her eyes. The color drained from her face and she began to pitch forward.

Alarmed, Kaidan reached out to catch her. She stumbled, placing a hand on his chest and another on his arm. Kaidan found himself half-holding her in a very awkward way.

"Maybe you should go lie down in the med bay as well," he suggested.

"I'll take a nap," she replied. "And I'll eat," she added when Kaidan opened his mouth. "See, I knew what you were going to say before you even said it, lieutenant."

"So I'm getting predictable, am I?" Kaidan found himself saying.

"Only in the best way," Shepard told him with a weak smile. "In the sense that I know you have my back."

"Always, commander."

Shepard suddenly found herself going from pale to blushing. She ducked her head and pulled away from the lieutenant.

"I think I'm going to go lie down," she mumbled. And she left, before she was tempted to lean on the lieutenant even more than she already had.

* * *

Three days later, Shepard was still not feeling much better. Melding minds with Liara had brought the visions into sharper focus, and she dreaded sleeping at night. She tried to focus on getting through these seemingly endless assignments the Alliance kept throwing at her. You'd think that she wasn't on a race-against-time sort of mission, the way they were asking her to clean up every mess they had out in the traverse.

Besides that, Shepard had the sense that everyone was on edge. She knew Alenko was out of sorts. She hadn't been able to bring herself to talk with him much after their awkward meeting in the comm room, but she'd been aware of his biotic energies, much more raw than usual. Liara had a subtler sort of energy, like a still pond, really. But even she seemed rippling and disturbed lately. Shepard was sure she wasn't doing much better, but there really wasn't time to worry about that. She had things to check up on in engineering, and then she needed to make sure that everyone's gear was up to snuff for the next mission. No sense in taking on the geth or Saren or whatever other crazy stuff they encountered out here with substandard armor.

Shepard was on her way to the lockers when she heard a strangely giggly voice say:

"Oh, before I go, Ash, I saw that Kaidan Alenko in one of the vids about the Normandy and Eden Prime? He's _cute_. Lucky you! Later sis!"

Shepard stopped short of the lockers, looking around for the speaker. Only the gunnery chief stood before her, looking at a video monitor. It seemed that Shepard had stumbled into some family gossip.

Shepard frowned to herself. Up until now, it hadn't occurred to her that she might not be the only woman to have an interest in the lieutenant. She didn't know why she hadn't thought of it before. She had been so caught up in her own reaction to him – her own, completely out-of-character reaction to him, that it never occurred to her that other women might have had the same reaction. And, if fact, did she really know that his solicitous treatment of her was anything special? Perhaps he was that thoughtful to everyone. Maybe she was just reading into it and his interests lay elsewhere.

The thought made her implants flare.

"Commander!" Williams jumped to see Shepard standing there. "I didn't...I mean..." She turned and frowned at the video monitor. "Damn it, I'll kill her."

Shepard just raised an eyebrow.

"It's just a vid mail. My sister is a complete flirt. Ignore her – it – please."

"I didn't mean to overhear," Shepard said. "However..." She fought to find a polite way to ask the question. "Is this something I need to know about? Are you interested in my – the lieutenant, chief?"

"No ma'am," Ashley said hastily. Shepard could feel her muscles relax at once. She really shouldn't care, she told herself, but there was no way she could ignore the feeling of relief.

"The LT is great, commander," Ashley went on. "Don't get me wrong, but he's a little old for me, you know? Kind of like a big brother – or uncle, or whatever."

Shepard stifled a laugh at that. The lieutenant couldn't be more than thirty-five. But she suspected that Ashley was probably a bit younger than that.

"Besides," Ashley added conspiratorially, her voice dropping low, "I think the LT is sweet on someone else." She nodded and looked up at the ceiling meaningfully, as if indicating the floor above them.

"Liara?" Shepard frowned, the name spilling out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Ashley looked at her and choked on a laugh.

"The _asari_? Are you kidding? Damn, commander, I thought you knew."

"Knew what?" Shepard asked, now feeling genuinely confused.

"Huh," Ashley said, looking at her. "You have a really good read on people when they're dealing with each other, huh skipper? But not so much when they're dealing with you."

Shepard narrowed her eyes at that. "Care to illuminate me, chief?" she asked.

"It's...not really my place to say..." Ashley mumbled. "It's just...stuff I overheard the doctor saying about...you..."

"About me?"

"Look," Ashley said, "Let's just say that there's several people who've been checking your ass out when you get suited up. Not all of them are human and not all of them are male."

Shepard blinked at her. "You're saying Dr. T'Soni...?"

"Pretty much," Ashley snorted.

Shepard frowned. "Okay, that makes things awkward, especially if the lieutenant is interested in her..."

Ashley shook her head, "I didn't mean the LT... Aw, hell."

"What?"

"If you don't know, then Alenko is a sorrier bastard than I took him for."

"Williams," Shepard said, sharply, "That's your commanding officer you're talking about."

"Sorry ma'am," Ashley winced. "I just hear chatter below decks here. Blame Vakarian. He talks a lot."

"Does he now?" Shepard looked over at where the turian was fixing the Mako yet again. "He doesn't strike me as the chatty type."

"Tends to clam up when you're around," Williams said. "Look, commander, not to change the subject..."

"Change away," Shepard said. "I think I'm tired of this line of talk."

"Right, skipper. Look, I want to ask you about them." She nodded at the cargo hold.

"About them, who?" Shepard asked, looking around at the crates.

"The aliens," Ashley said. "Vakarian and Wrex."

"What about them?"

"I just... Okay, hear me out here."

Shepard did just that. She heard Ashley out about the chief's concern over aliens, about how little she trusted the Council to help them out. Shepard nodded as the chief laid out the reasons she felt that the aliens should not be part of the mission.

"It doesn't change our objectives," Shepard said, when Ashley had done. "I don't trust the Council entirely, but better to have the Council's guns on our side than to try and do this alone. Besides, if I try to lock up the aliens in sleeper pods, well, we'll have even more busted pods. Just think of what Wrex would do to them."

"But commander..."

"Look, Williams. I hear you. I do. Truthfully, I didn't trust them at first either, but our new allies have come to earn my trust. Even Liara."

"A krogan mercenary has come to earn your trust?" Ashley looked doubtful.

"Hasn't he earned yours? He had your back there on Luna. Took heavy fire for you, if you remember."

"Yeah, I guess so." Ashley rubbed her shoulder where she had gotten slightly burned. Wrex, on the other hand, had taken the rocket right in the teeth. Thanks to krogran regeneration, though, he was only looking slightly more scarred than usual.

"Your concerns are noted," Shepard told Ashley, "but we're going to do this mission with allies – alien allies. You don't have to like it, but you'll keep your reservations to yourself, understood?"

"It won't be a problem, commander," Ashley said stiffly. "I promise you that."

"Thank you, Williams." Shepard turned to go.

"Commander?" Ashely asked her.

"Yes?"

"Go easy on the LT, will you? I don't think he's used to dealing with women beyond the job."

"Care to clarify that, chief?" Shepard asked with narrowed eyes.

"Not really."

"Cryptic does not become you, Williams."

"I'm sorry, commander," Ashley said, frowning. "I'll just shut up and...get back to my duties."

"Fair enough," Shepard said. "Dismissed, chief."

With that, Shepard turned on her heel and headed toward the elevator. She wasn't entirely sure she'd caught all of what Williams was driving at, but at least one thing was certain. She needed to clear up a little misunderstanding with the asari, before things got even more awkward than they already were.


	20. Subtlety

_Chapter 20_

_(in which Kaidan strains himself)_

Kaidan sat in the mess, eating a second lunch, wondering what he had done wrong. The commander had been acting very strangely this last week. She had spoken to him very little and she had made good on her threat of taking Ashley and Tali on the last ground side mission.

When they'd returned, Ashley had shaken her head and told Kaidan: "Dunno what you and Vakarian did to piss her off the other day, but she took it out on a thresher maw."

"You ran into a thresher maw?" he gaped. A thresher maw – and he hadn't been there to help her.

"Yup," Ashley said. "And you can take your ground side missions. Between you and me, I see what you mean. Driving around with her is terrifying."

"Tell me about it," he chuckled.

"Don't make her mad again, LT, or she might ask me to go with her again. I think I prefer polishing the guns and keeping my lunch in my stomach to playing spider-Mako with the commander. I'll be damned if the skipper doesn't think that tank can drive straight up the sides of mountains."

The conversation had made Kaidan laugh, but it also had worried him. Shepard had been busy at the CIC most of the time lately and he suspected that she wasn't sleeping well. He hadn't seen her in the mess much lately and he was worrying that she was skipping her meals again. Given how much she'd been using her biotics, that wasn't a good sign.

Kaidan knew it wasn't really his place to worry about her, but damn it, the commander was running herself ragged. And for some reason, he had this strange need to be the one to make sure she was taking care of herself. After all, she was too busy taking care of everyone else to do the job.

"Where's the commander?" a voice asked. Kaidan looked up to see Garrus walk into the mess.

"Sleeping," Kaidan replied, nodding at her closed door. "At least, I think she is."

"Or she's writing up mission reports or doing something else," Garrus observed. "She might have gone to the med bay to check in on Doctor T'Soni again."

"It's possible," Kaidan said, frowning in the direction Garrus nodded. "Though I hope she's sleeping. She needs the rest."

Garrus stared at Kaidan for a moment, then said: "You keep a pretty close eye on her, don't you?"

"I suppose I do," Kaidan said, stiffly.

"Is that an Alliance officer thing, or is that just you?"

Kaidan looked up in surprise. Garrus had sounded...strange for a second there – as if he was implying something more than he was saying.

"Well as the second-highest ranking officer on this ship, it's my job to pick up any slack," Kaidan told him. "And the commander sometimes lets herself become the slack, if you get my meaning."

"Hm..." Garrus said. His sharp blue eyes narrowed for a moment. Then he looked away. "From what I heard from Doctor Chakwas, the asari doctor wouldn't mind picking up the commander's slack, as well."

Kaidan blinked. "Come again?"

"Apparently, the young Prothean expert has been hanging after the commander all the time," Garrus explained. "She's been asking about the commander below decks, too. Not a whole lot of subtlety with that one."

"Doctor T'Soni?" Kaidan felt as though someone had knocked him into a wall. "She's interested in Shep...the commander?" A blue alien girl was interested in Shepard? He didn't know how a guy was supposed to process that kind of information, much less what to do with it once he'd processed it.

"Looks that way," Garrus gave a wave of his hand that Kaidan had come to recognize as the turian's equivalent of a shrug.

"The doctor only just met her."

"Have any of us known the commander that long?" Garrus asked, wryly.

"I guess not," Kaidan said, frowning.

"It makes sense, really," Garrus went on. "I've always noticed that the asari have a thing for your human females. I think it's because human women look so much like them – the asari, that is. The asari have that bias against pure bloods..."

"Pure bloods?" Kaidan asked.

"They believe it's bad for their species as a whole if they don't mate with other species. Mating among the asari is considered quite...backward. Carries a stigma."

"They can mate with other asari...?" Kaidan trailed off. "Of course they could." He had never really thought about it before, but of course it made sense.

"Sure," Garrus gave another wave of his hand. "The asari can mate with other species, each other, anything that's sentient, really, since their mating has more to do with the mind anyhow. But you have to figure that all those millennium as their species evolved, everything in their mating instincts would be driving them to find one another attractive. With their new belief in perfecting their species by mating elsewhere, they would have to learn to find other species at least...palatable. Human women, however, both look familiar, attractive, and yet...different."

Kaidan frowned at Garrus' words. "Don't tell me you find human women appealing, too."

"I have no fetish for humans," Garrus said hastily. "Though," he added thoughtfully, "Shepard does reminds me a little of this scout I once knew..."

"Garrus," Kaidan said a little sharply. "This is the commander we're speaking about, here."

"I didn't mean..." Garrus broke off. "I'm just saying, the commander isn't bound by rules of protocol where Liara is concerned."

That was true. Kaidan hadn't thought about that. Perhaps he had been so caught up in his own feelings for the commander that he'd failed to notice that she was looking elsewhere.

"I really don't want to think about that," Kaidan said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"And here I thought of the human crew you were the most open-minded," Garrus snorted.

"I try," Kaidan said, "but I don't really want to strain my powers of imagination right now."

"How is the LT straining himself?" Ashley Williams sauntered in to the mess and headed straight for the coffee. She poured herself a cup and drank it black. "Ooh," she winced. "Good stuff. So what's the LT up to? Straining his neck to check out the commander's backside every time she walks by?"

"Watch it, Williams," Kaidan glared at the chief. "I'm still your commanding officer, and don't you forget."

"Sorry, LT," Williams said, a little abashed. "I didn't..."

"Never mind," Kaidan said, pushing himself up from his chair. "I think I'm getting another headache. I'm heading to the med bay – and no, Garrus, I'm not going to talk to any asari when I'm over there." He frowned, tossed his dishes into the washer and left.

Williams looked at Garrus with raised eyebrows.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing."

"Wait," Ashley said, glaring at Garrus suspiciously. "Did you just tell him about Liara's crush on the commander?"

"I...might have."

"God _damn_, Vakarian," Ashley laughed. "You have the subtlety of a train wreck."

"A what?"

"Then again," she shrugged, taking another gulp of her coffee. "It might do some good to motivate him. The guy needs to lighten up."

"I suppose so," Garrus said, uncertainly.

"I don't usually hold with fraternization," Ashley added, not noticing when Garrus gave her the turian equivalent of a frown. "But in this case, I think it might be for the best. The skipper needs someone to watch her back, and the LT certainly takes that job seriously."

"I watch her back, too, you know," Garrus said, quietly. But Ashley was busy draining her coffee and did not hear him.


	21. Overheard

_Chapter 21_

_(in which there is more eavesdropping)_

Kaidan froze outside of the med bay supply room, unable to take another step. He had never realized how easily voices carried from the back room to this one. Under the circumstances, he simply could not help listening in.

"I am interested in you, Shepard," the asari, Liara, was saying, her voice low and inviting. With just about any man, probably any woman, too, that voice would be hard to resist. Kaidan found himself sincerely wishing that Shepard would resist it.

"You're interested in me?" Shepard's voice sounded incredulous. "But...we're both women. Sort of."

As Liara went on to explain the mono-gendered nature of her species, Kaidan wondered if he shouldn't just leave. There was still time to slip out of the med bay. He knew he should do just that. But instead, he felt rooted to the spot.

"I read your file," Liara was saying in her sultry voice. "What you did during the Blitz on Elysium – it was a remarkable act of heroism. I feel...drawn to you, Shepard."

Well, Kaidan thought. If there was one way to piss Shepard off, it would be to mention the Blitz. True to form, Shepard's tones were icy when she said, "You keeping tabs on me, doctor?"

"What? No!" Liara sounded worried now. Kaidan almost – almost – felt badly for her. "I just...find you...ah...interesting."

Shepard was silent for a moment, then answered. "Look, Liara, I'm flattered. But I'm interested in men – human men."

Kaidan tried not to feel a sense of triumph, but he did.

"Human...men?" Liara repeated.

"As in broad shoulders, deep soothing voice, five o' clock shadow..." Shepard sounded as if she was smiling now. "Might not be quite to every species' tastes, but..."

"You're referring to Lieutenant Alenko, are you not?" the asari said quietly.

It was as if someone had suddenly stopped the galaxy. Kaidan could hear the sound of his own breathing as he waited for Shepard's answer. Even the hum of the engines seemed to have died away. The thought occurred to him that he really should not be listening in on this, but he simply could not leave now.

"My relationships are none of your business," Shepard said coldly. Kaidan could just picture the steely look in her eyes as he heard her voice. He knew that expression far too well.

"Of course not," Liara said. "I just...I mean..." She sighed. "Humans are hard to understand, commander. I just thought that Lieutenant Alenko... Well, when you're around him, you seem to be more..." Kaidan didn't catch the next words.

"I care about Kaidan," Shepard said, her steady voice startling him after he had been straining to hear Liara. He could scarcely believe the words and suddenly felt warm. "A lot," Shepard continued. "But that's not... Don't spread that around. The mission comes first."

There was no mistaking the chill in her voice now. She clearly thought the conversation was over. Kaidan suddenly realized that if he was caught standing out here, he would have more to worry about than whether Liara and the commander were spending time together. He'd have to worry about keeping his head on his shoulders.

"Of course, commander," Liara was saying. "I just..."

"You don't have to explain," Shepard said, her voice softer now. As Kaidan turned to go, he heard Shepard say, "I value you as a friend, Liara. I hope that can be enough..."

* * *

_I hope that can be enough._

The words rang over and over again in Kaidan's head as he stood there, staring off into space next to his station, completely unable to concentrate. He knew he shouldn't have listened in, but he had, and he simply couldn't regret what he'd heard.

Shepard said she preferred men. She said she cared about him – _him_ of all people. He wasn't the sort of person to jump to conclusions, but he thought he just might go out on a limb here and assume that so far as he was concerned, Shepard might be open to something...more.

The thought made him feel both bolder and more cautious all at once. On the one hand, he no longer worried that she might not be interested in him. He had guessed as much – looking back, he saw that she had shown interest time and again in the past few months – ever since they had met, really. But on the other hand, the stakes were higher now. This wasn't a simple flirtation. Something had grown up between them, something built on trust and respect and he didn't quite know how to go about growing whatever they had into something more without damaging it.

_I hope that can be enough._

Well, "just friends" might have to be enough for Liara, but Kaidan knew that it sure as hell wasn't going to be enough for him. He just wasn't quite sure what _would_ be enough for him. Close friends? _Lovers? _The thought made him blush. Hell, what did he want? He knew that he wanted her. He just didn't know quite how. He simply hadn't allowed himself to think that way before. Whereas now...

Shepard chose just that moment to walk out of the med bay, rubbing her eyes and looking weary. Kaidan straightened at the sight of her. She turned and saw him, then came walking over with that purposeful stride of hers. Kaidan swallowed. She looked like she was on a mission. He just hoped he could play cool.

"Commander?" he asked warily when she drew near.

"Kay – Lieutenant," she said. "I just need to...check in with you about the last mission."

"The last mission?" he repeated.

"Yes," she said decicively.

"You mean the one where we were asked to go clean up the Allaince's mess once more or the one were we picked up Dr. T'Soni?"

"Doctor T'Soni," Shepard said. "That's what I meant. What do you think of her?"

Why was she asking him? he wondered. Kaidan shrugged and replied. "She seems nice enough. If you like the bookish sort."

"You don't like bookish women?" Shepard's eyes narrowed.

"I like more... adventurous women, commander," he said, wondering where this was going.

"Did you know that I like to read, lieutenant?" Shepard asked him. Kaidan frowned. She was acting playful now. He could tell by the way that she was just barely keeping from smiling. He just wasn't sure if that was a good thing.

"Ah...I didn't think you had much time for that sort of thing, ma'am."

"I haven't had time for reading, no." She fell silent.

They stood there rather awkwardly for a moment. Then:

"Kaidan..." she began, just as he said, "Shepard..."

They both blinked and stared at one another.

"Did you just call me by my name, lieutenant?" she asked him.

"I didn't mean to, ma'am," he said hastily. Then he added, "Though, I might point out to you that you did the same to me."

Shepard blinked. "I suppose I did," she murmured.

_Well damn_, she thought. He'd actually called her 'Shepard.'

Shepard had abandoned her given name a long ago and her nickname was something she'd put in the file only because the Alliance required that she have a first name. But she had never encouraged people to use the monkier. If people got close enough to her, they called her 'Shepard.' And there had been few people who ever called her 'Shepard.'

The aliens on this ship had begun to do so: Garrus and Tali, Wrex and Liara as well. But she had figured that was more out of a misunderstanding of human manners than genuine friendship. Though even there, she was beginning to wonder if perhaps they intended the informality. But Shepard's crew all still accorded her the respect – and the distance – of the title "commander." So the fact that Kaidan had just called her by her name was completely inappropriate.

And it also made her heart start pounding.

"Not commander?" she said, trying not to show how much he'd affected her. "Not ma'am?"

"I..." Kaidan seemed lost for words for a moment.

"'Shepard' is not exactly the way to address your commanding officer," she told him. Somehow, her voice came out teasing rather than reprimanding. _Great_, she thought. At this rate, she might as well invite him to call her a pet name.

"I'm not speaking to you as my commanding officer," Kaidan said then, his eyes looking at her steadily. There was no mistaking his meaning: _I'm not taking it back._

Shepard suddenly felt as though she was melting a little, which was ridiculous, because she never felt...melty.

"Listen, Shepard," Kaidan said, looking at her in a way he never had before – in a direct and determined way. His manner was not at all appropriate, given their relationship as officers. Yet Shepard found herself welcoming it. She knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't help herself.

"I wanted to talk to you, if you have a minute," he told her. "There's something I've been wanting to say...to talk to you about."

"Of course," she replied.

"I'm not questioning your decisions," Kaidan said, looking at her with that same determined expression. "Let me be clear about that. I'm just trying to help you out, here. We're in – well, _you're_ in – a rough spot. You're being hung out to dry between the Alliance and the council and I just want you to know... I'm looking out for you."

"I know that, Kay – lieutenant. You always have my back in battle."

"I'm not just talking about battle, Shepard – ma'am. I'm talking about... Look, if you need me in any way, I'm here for you. You said the other day that you wanted me here to help you do the right thing, so, well, I want to help you make it through all this."

"Is there some particular reason you think I can't make it through this myself?" she asked, torn between being charmed and wondering if he had some other reason for this conversation.

Kaidan took a breath and sighed. "Yeah, okay. Here's the thing: I've been in situations where people started down the easy path and it ended badly."

"Are we talking about me here?"

"No, ma'am. I'm talking about...me. About my past."

Shepard cocked her head to the side. Kaidan typically said very little about his past. She found herself curious, and listened intently as he related the way he'd been raised as a child – raised rather badly on a reasearch station by a sadistic turian biotic.

"Damn," Shepard said, when he'd finished relaying the details of how he'd been treated, how many of his classmates had gone insane or died. She guessed that Kaidan was purposefully leaving off the worst of it, and the ommission made her want to know more.

"Can I..." she paused. How did one say, _I'd like to help you get over that?_ How _did_ one help another person get over such a past?

"You don't need to do anything," Kaidan told her. "I didn't tell you this to gain your sympathy." He shook his head. "My point is this. When someone is special to you, you help them out. That's how it works. You help them through sticky situations and you protect them."

"Special?" Shepard blinked. "Protect?" _And just when I thought my heart couldn't beat any faster..._

Kaidan frowned at her obvious surprise. "I...didn't mean to...ah..."

"Didn't mean to what?" she asked, hoping he wouldn't take back what he'd just said.

"I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command, Shepard. I'm just trying to help."

"Help." She repeated the word – her voice placing it halfway between a statement and a question.

"As in..."

"I just don't get many people offering to...help," she told him. "Giving me orders, _asking_ for help, sure, but...just offering help? Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Anytime I need it?"

"Anytime you need it," Kaidan said, his eyes full of sincerity. Shepard suddenly found that she was having trouble thinking straight. And if her heart didn't stop pounding...

"Look, if I'm out of line..." Kaidan began.

"No," she said hastily, finding that she had begun to grin. "You're not out of line. Well, hell, maybe you are, but..." She shook her head. "There are regs, Kaidan, but..." She broke off lamely, not sure if she was making matters better or worse.

"Regs," Kaidan let out a breath. "Right, I keep... Look, I'm here to help, not make things worse. Just...think about what I said, Shepard."

"I will...Kaidan," she said, thoughtfully. "I need to go, but I will think about it. About this." As she turned to go she added, quietly:

"Probably more than I should."


	22. Wistful

_Chapter 22_

_(in which neither Kaidan nor Joker can keep their mouths shut)_

_Oh God_, Kaidan thought, leaning his head back on against the wall. Had he really just said that? He watched Shepard walk away – as usual, the view was a nice one. He couldn't tell if he wanted to smile, laugh, run his hand through his hair in frustration or just turn red with embarrassment.

He hadn't spoke to Shepard for a few days after their last conversation. The mission had kept them busy and Kaidan was beginning to doubt the wisdom of his earlier familiarity. After all, what business _did_ he have making a play for his commanding officer when they were in the middle of a mission? It was selfish at best, dangerous at worst.

On their last assignment, he had nearly lost Shepard to a stray sniper shot. The experience had made him realize that he wasn't playing around here. The mission had to take priority, regardless of what he was feeling. If life were simpler, he wouldn't be in this whole mess and then he'd be able to just ask Shepard out for a date like a normal human being instead of spending his days dodging bullets with her.

Then again, he realized, if life were simpler, he might not have met Shepard at all.

So when Shepard had come to check in on him, Kaidan resolved to simply share his opinion that the council was really dropping the ball on this one.

That resolution had lasted all of five minutes. Shepard had begun teasing him for being so standoffish. It seemed that the more that he spoke out of turn with her, the more warm she became towards him. And damn it if he didn't like that vicious cycle. So he'd opened up his mouth and nothing but drivel had poured out. The next thing he knew, he was talking about Vyrnnus, about the day he'd become a killer, driven away all his friends – the day his childhood had suddenly ended in rain of red and blue bloods.

He'd heard himself relating the tale as if someone else was doing it, as if he couldn't stop. Because Shepard had asked, he just found himself telling her. She'd listened with that uncanny open way of hers - not judging, not shocked or pitiful either. She seemed to understand him almost as if she had been there. And then she'd gone and told him what he'd done was noble – _noble_ of all things. She'd sounded a little angry at Rahna, actually, and Kaidan had the thought flash though his head that if Shepard had been there, she probably would have taken down Vyrrnus before he had. She certainly wouldn't have cowered. He was certain that she would have stood by him.

And she'd stood by him just now, hadn't she?

Yes, Kaidan thought, looking up at the ceiling. She had. She had looked at him, called him noble, and told him to lighten up. She'd reminded him that he was human. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt human, but he certainly did now. Being human was certainly...warmer than he remembered. Shepard had laid a hand on his arm and he'd foolishly said something about wanting shore leave. He couldn't quite remember what it was, only that she hadn't pulled away. She'd smiled and said they'd talk later. Then she walked away with what he hoped was reluctance. He'd certainly been reluctant to let her go.

Well, that settled it then, he thought to himself. Shepard hadn't told him to take a flying leap – she hadn't been disgusted by his past. No, she'd listened, and smiled, and now he found himself desperately looking forward to some shore leave.

_First things first, Alenko_. He told himself. _You have to help her stop Saren first_.

* * *

"So what changed?" Joker asked Kaidan.

The lieutenant had stopped by the cockpit to check in on his adjustments to the navigation systems before they reached the Widow Nebula. Shepard had not wanted to backtrack, but there were simply too many assignments calling her back to the Citadel to ignore them all. Kaidan hoped it would be a quick stop. He considered staying in his casual wear when they docked, but thought better of it.

Given how much action they had been seeing lately, he might as well suit up and get all the guns out. Even the Citadel wasn't safe given Shepard's track record lately.

"What do you mean, what changed?" Kaidan asked Joker, sparing a glance at the helmsman.

"You seem..." Joker searched for the words.

Kaidan raised a dark eyebrow and frowned. "Yeah, Joker?"

"Let's just say that in the past you tended to be a bit..."

"A bit what?"

"And now you're..."

"Now, I'm..._what_?"

"Look, never mind," Joker said.

Kaidan folded his arms across his chest. "Spit it out, Joker."

"When I first met you, Alenko, I don't think you ever smiled – not really. Now you have this...wistful expression all the time. Wistful? Is that even a word?"

"Yeah, Joker, that is a word."

"Hell," Joker shrugged. "I guess it's none of my businesses."

"What are you driving at, Joker?"

"Nothing."

"Joker, if you have something to say..."

Joker frowned and looked at Kaidan. "You're alright, Alenko."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "What is this about, Joker?"

"Look, when I was teasing you about the commander..." Joker broke off and looked around, then lowered his voice. "When I was teasing you, I was just _teasing_ you. I wasn't actually serious about...you know... Doing anything."

"Well, I haven't..._done_ anything," Kaidan replied. Though, he admitted to himself, it wasn't for lack of wanting to.

"Well, that's a relief," Joker was saying.

"Do you have a problem with me and the commander?" Kaidan frowned. Joker's opinion didn't really matter, Kaidan told himself, but at the same time, it did, somehow. Kaidan hated to think that the one person who knew about his interest in Shepard disapproved of it.

"No, not at all," Joker said. "Geez, if I could send you two kids off with keys to a nice Citadel hotel, I would. It's just..."

"What, Joker?" Kaidan asked, trying not to allow Joker's comment about hotel keys to conjure up images that it shouldn't.

"I just can't help feeling that we're a long way from done, here. That's all. I don't know if I should be telling you to cool it until the mission is over, or telling you to get yourself the hell down to the commander's quarters and enjoy life while you can."

"Ah..." Kaidan blinked at him. "That wasn't quite what I was expecting from you, Joker."

"Yeah, I know, far too serious for me. Look, Alenko, just...take care of yourself, okay? Take care of the commander, too. I don't want anything to happen to you two."

"Joker, are you getting sentimental on me?" Kaidan asked suspiciously.

"I like you guys," Joker said, frowning at his computer. "And I don't like anybody."

The helmsman shook his head. "Okay, that's it, that's all I had to say. Just – don't screw up, Alenko. You're a lucky bastard if the commander isn't offended by the way you've been hanging after her. If things actually work out, then..."

"Then I'll be even luckier," Kaidan agreed. "Alright, point taken. No messing this up, or Joker's going to be mad at me."

"Hell, if you mess this up," Joker said, "You'll have bigger things to worry about than me being mad at you. You do realize if you screw things up with Shepard, she's the kind of woman who could just – BAM! - take you down?"

"That's true," Kaidan said with a grin. "But I'm finding that's just the kind of woman that I like."


	23. Talitha

_Chapter 23_

_(in which a slave is saved)_

_My God_, Kaidan thought, looking down at the sleeping body of the young woman before him. The girl breathed peacefully now, her face, smudged with dirt, no longer held an expression of anguish.

Shepard knelt down and carefully removed the pistol from the girl's hand. Then she arranged the girl's arms over her chest and brushed a stray hair from the young woman's face. When Shepard stood again, Kaidan saw her hastily wipe a tear off her cheek. He was surprised to find that his own eyes were full as well. Beside him, Liara tears streaming from her eyes.

"That poor girl," Liara was saying. "I can't imagine..."

"I can," Shepard said flatly. She dismantled the pistol with a few quick, precise movements.

"Oh, Shepard," Liara's voice trembled. "I never knew..."

"You gonna be alright, doctor?" Shepard asked curtly, turning to face the asari.

"Of course," Liara said, taken aback. "I...just..." Tears poured anew down her cheeks. They dripped off of her chin and onto her uniform.

"You look like you could use a break from all this, Liara," Shepard said. "Head back to the ship and get Doctor Chakwas to make you a cup of tea."

"I do not need..."

"Do it," Shepard snapped. Liara blanched. Shepard caught herself and rubbed her eyes with her free hand. "For my sake, Liara," she added wearily.

"Alright," Liara said. "For you, commander. I'm so sorry..."

"Just...please, Liara." The asari sniffed once more, then walked away, back down the docks towards the Normandy.

Kaidan frowned. "Commander..." he began.

"Not now, lieutenant," Shepard told him. Her voice sounded irritable, but Kaidan thought he heard something else in there, too – something dangerously close to snapping. "I need to deal with this situation, not stop and cry about it."

Kaidan nodded. He could understand that feeling. "It's just that the doctor will likely spike Liara's tea with her private reserves."

Shepard actually chuckled at that. "That's what I'm counting on, lieutenant," she told him.

Shepard wandered back down to the dock and spoke with the guards who had called her up here to talk down the slave girl. The young woman had been rescued only recently, and upon returning to the Citadel, had taken a gun and planned to take her own life. The girl had been from Mindoir, the same colony Shepard had been born and raised in. Shepard had survived the attack that had killed her parents though – the attack that had turned Talitha from a child into an animal and a slave.

As the guards collected the sleeping body of the slave girl. Kaidan watched Shepard closely. Other than a slight stiffening of her shoulders, she seemed cool as ever.

But Kaidan knew better than to trust that "seemed."

Somehow, over the past few months, he'd come to see a different Shepard behind that cool exterior she showed to the world. She still threw him sometimes, but the mask she wore for everyone else didn't seem to block his view.

He knew now, for example, that she was playing strong to avoid tears. What she had just done – what she just heard - that couldn't have been easy. The slave girl had been ready to shoot herself in a moment of panic, and yet Shepard had talked the girl down and gotten her to willingly taken a sedative. Kaidan had stood a safe distance away, ready to take down the slave girl if she actually used that gun of hers on Shepard. But he needn't have worried. Shepard had listened to the girl in that open, unjudging way of hers and the girl had calmed down.

In the process, Kaidan overheard a lot about Mindoir he hadn't known: like how the slavers treated their prey, how Shepard herself had once been like this: broken and half-mad. For Shepard to hear all this, no doubt to re-live some of it – well, he just couldn't imagine what that was like.

He was so distracted by his thoughts that he almost missed it when Shepard gave a cut nod to the guards and turned away. She marched into the nearby elevator and smashed the button with her fist. Kaidan only just managed to slip inside before the doors slid shut.

"Where do you think you're going, lieutenant?" she snapped. Kaidan just raised an eyebrow. He could wait out this mood of hers. It was better than seeing her cry, he supposed.

"With you, ma'am," he replied evenly. "If you'll have me."

"If I'll..." Her eyes narrowed; then she snorted. "It's a good thing that you're so charming, Alenko. Else I'd consider throwing you off the docks for being so damn insubordinate."

"Charming?"

That was a new one. Kaidan had never in his life considered himself to be charming. He was pretty sure no one else had thought thought of him as charming either. But if someone was going to find him so, he was glad it was Shepard. At least she didn't think him awkward. After all, awkward was how he felt around her half the time. And the other half, he felt so comfortable around her he tended to say things that were very insubordinate. Of course, they were nothing to what he was usually thinking...

"My head hurts," Shepard suddenly moaned, pressing her fingers to her nose.

"Is it your implants?" he asked, taking a step closer.

"Might be," she said.

"You need a drink," Kaidan told her.

"A drink?" She looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. "As in...alcohol?"

"That is usually what people mean by drinks, yeah."

"I don't drink," she told him.

"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" he muttered.

"What?"

"I think you should make an exception tonight, commander," Kaidan told her. "We'll go to Flux..."

"No," Shepard replied., shaking her head. "We'll go talk to Admiral Kahoku first – he needs to know about his lost team. Then we should stop by the C-Sec requisition officer and get Garrus that sniper rifle he'd asked for."

"Damn it, Shepard," Kaidan snapped, "When are you going to stop and take care of yourself for a change?"

Shepard's glanced at him in surprise. But before she could say anything in reply to his outburst, the doors to the elevator slid open and a voice said behind them:

"Commander _Shepard_. I _do_ hope I'm not interrupting anything."

Kaidan belatedly realized he had his hand on Shepard's shoulder and was standing a little too close for protocol. He willed himself not to blush as he stepped away from his commanding officer. Shepard had gone stock still. Her eyes narrowed as she turned around.

"Miss Al-Jilani," she said, coldly.

_What the hell?_ Kaidan wondered. Clearly there was history here, but he had no idea what was going on.

"Might I have a moment of your time?" the woman asked.

"I don't know," Shepard replied evenly. "Will the story about me be worse if I walk away or if I cooperate?"

"Oh, _commander_," the woman chuckled. "I simply want to update the Alliance public on what's happened since the Normandy's first flight."

"Yeah, I just bet you do," Shepard muttered. More loudly she said, "Alright. Ask your questions."

* * *

"I'm surprised you didn't punch her in the head," Kaidan told her as they walked away a few minutes later. "You looked like you were about to."

"I fantasized about it," Shepard said. "Several times, in fact. I had this glorious vision of her teeth flying out. But, you know, that might come back to bite me in the ass someday. So yeah. Better to set her down with words, I suppose. Words..."

She shook her head. "I guess words have some use, huh? Tell me lieutenant – do you think there's any purpose to all this negotiating I do? All these – words? Words didn't matter on Mindoir. For all our colony's fine rhetoric about peace and clean, down-home living, we really just needed a lot more guns."

"I don't know..." Kaidan said slowly. "It seems there's a need for both, commander – both words and guns, that is. Depends on the situation."

"Right," she nodded grimly. "Only which situation is which?"

"I guess that's why we still use old-fashioned soldiers on the front lines and not mechs," Kaidan pointed out. "A good soldier knows when to use which weapon – and they're both weapons, ma'am."

"Yeah," she nodded. "True enough."

She fell silent after that, and Kaidan didn't want to pry. Together they went and bought some gear and upgrades. Shepard took her sweet time looking carefully at every piece before selecting one she wanted. Then they headed off to find the Admiral, spoke to him about his team, and ended up running several other errands for strangers in the process.

Finally, Kaidan grabbed Shepard's arm and pulled her towards a rapid transit station.

"That's it," he said. "We're getting you that drink."

"But Nassana Dantius..."

"Can wait. Seriously, Shepard. You need to stop and rest. I don't remember the last time you took a break."

"Same goes for you, Kaidan."

Kaidan had to smile at her use of his given name. He had begun to feel comfortable with her again during their afternoon on the Citadel, and he was glad that she seemed to be feeling the same way. At least she had stopped being so formal with him.

"Drinks," he said. "On me."

"On you?" She looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Is this a date, lieutenant?"

"No ma'am," he said quickly.

Shepard frowned and walked away, but not before he thought he heard her mutter, "_Damn_."


	24. The Truth About Elysium

_Chapter 24_

_(in which the war hero reveals the truth about Elysium)_

"Ooooh-Kaaaay," Shepard said, setting down the drink in a line next to the other eight they'd finished between the two of them. "That feels..tingly."

"Don't get too far gone on me, commander," Kaidan said, amusement in his eyes. He was buzzed and he knew it, but the commander was looking like she was ready to go under the table.

"I thought biotics couldn't get drunk," she said, pointing a finger at him accusingly. "Our migh hetabolism...er... High... You know what I mean."

"Yeah," Kaidan nodded slowly. "But that was a lot of drinks."

"A lot of _pink_ drinks," Shepard agreed. "Whatever the pink ones were. You know, I don't drink." She fingered the rim of her glass. "They say alk...alcohol brings out your true personality. If that's that case, then I'm a narcoleptic, 'cause I'm sleepy." She rubbed her eyes, scrunched up her face, and frowned.

"That was a _lot_ of drinks," she mused. "That's gonna eat up the credits you'd set aside for a new pistol."

"You gave me the money you won gambling," Kaidan reminded her.

"Oh, right. Wait. Why did I help that cheater-guy again?"

Kaidan shook his head. He had scarcely believed it when the commander had taken up some salarian's bizarre request to rig a gambling machine. At first she'd brushed the alien off, but after the second drink she'd been a little loopy. She had run back outside to tell the salarian that she wanted to help after all. Kaidan wasn't sure what she'd done was quite legal, but on the up side, it had paid their tab.

"I think I want to dance," Shepard said, nodding towards the dance floor. "You come with me."

"Is that an order, ma'am?" Kaidan couldn't help but tease.

"Damn straight," she replied, standing.

Kaidan stood at once, ready to catch her if she fell, but she found her feet without trouble. She walked easily enough, but once she reached the dancers, her grace seemed to fail her. She began moving against, rather than with, the music, flailing her arms at an asari's head as she did so.

"Okay, commander," Kaidan said, catching her by the shoulders. "Let's go. You're going to hurt someone. Probably yourself."

"You're not nearly as drunk as me," she accused.

"Thankfully not," he replied. "Can you walk?"

"Sure," she said, then nearly tripped down the stairs leading back to the wards. "Wanna get a tazzi...tax...taxi to Chora's Den? We could dance there."

Kaidan fought back the sudden imagine of Shepard doing the kind of dancing that went on in Chora's Den. He briefly wondered if that kind of dancing was more her style. He hated to admit it, but it was a question that he had pondered a few times in the past.

"If you didn't like the dancing here at Flux," Shepard went on, "then maybe Chora's Den..."

"I don't want to dance," Kaidan said quickly, brushing this wayward thoughts aside. "Too many lights; too much noise."

"Oh," that seemed to sober her up a little. "Your headaches. Sorry, lieutenant, I forgot." She straightened herself and pulled away from him.

"No, I..."

_And we're back to being officers, again_, he thought, grounding his teeth in frustration. For a moment there, she'd actually loosened up a bit, tried dancing of all things. He was a terrible dancer, he knew, but now he was wishing he'd taken her up on her offer. It was better than taking her out here into the wards only to have her throw up walls between them.

"I'm fine," he said. That wasn't quite true. His head was throbbing, but now that they were nearing the markets the lower lights were soothing him again. Or maybe it was Shepard's presence, drunk as she was.

"Commander Shepard?" A man came running up to them, causing Shepard to frown and squint. Kaidan reach out a hand protectively, but Shepard had already straightened up in an admirable attempt to act normal.

"Is it true you're a Specter now?" The man gushed. "Oh! That's so _awesome_!"

"Umm..." Shepard frowned, clearly trying to place the guy.

"Conrad Verner," the guy supplied the name and Shepard nodded. "The news vids are all full of the beautiful Commander Shepard. The graceful Commander Shepard..."

_I'm going to punch this guy if he doesn't shut up_, Kaidan thought, watching the idiot drool all over his commanding officer.

"Can I take your picture?" the guy begged.

"I dun...I don't have a problem with it, but why?" Shepard hiccuped.

"Are you kidding? No one will ever believe I met you!" Shepard shrugged, pulled out her gun and posed with it. She was hamming it up, Kaidan thought. She probably wouldn't have done that if she'd been sober.

"My wife is going to love this!" Conrad cried in glee. "Thanks Shepard!"

_He called her "Shepard_," Kaidan thought in disgust. Well, at least the guy was married. Kaidan immediately felt sorry for the idiot's wife.

Shepard turned to Kaidan and shrugged with a "Well, what are you going to do?" look on her face. She did an about face and started wandering back down the promenade towards the C-Sec elevators. Kaidan followed after her, feeling a little unsteady on his feet but wanting to be ready to catch her if she tripped.

Halfway along the walk, Shepard stopped suddenly and turned to the railing. She propped her arms on it and looked over the edge at the view of the ward arm below. Kaidan paused behind her for a moment, then came and stood beside her. She closed her eyes for a moment and smiled. She had smiled more in the last hour than she had in the last month, Kaidan thought. For that alone, he would have to take her out for drinks more often. Shepard opened her eyes and turned to face him, nudging him companionably with her elbow.

"You remember hanging out here with Williams just a few months ago?" she asked. "This is the exact spot where we were talking about aliens and the old vids and all that stuff."

"Uh..." The memory came back to Kaidan with a rush of embarrassment. "I think I said something stupid then."

"Naw," she smiled. "It was sweet. Men don't usually talk to me like that."

"I find that hard to believe," Kaidan muttered.

"No, it's true." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "I'm scary, you know."

Kaidan fought back a laugh. "Is that so?"

She nodded sagely. "I'm a biotic. One of the strong ones."

"Funny," he said. "So am I."

"I _know_," she said, grinning. "That's why I like you, LT. Hm... L. T. Ashely calls you that. I think I want to call you Kaidan."

"I think I want that, too," he said, softly.

"I'm drunk," she informed him.

"No kidding."

"No, really. I haven't been drunk in a looong time. I don't like to lose control. Kind of like you, I suppose. Are you drunk?"

"Just buzzed."

"Then I'll make sure you get home, okay. To the Normandy, I mean. She's home."

"I think it might be _me_ seeing _you_ home, but sure thing, commander."

"Kaidan," she said, "Thanks for the drinks. I needed that – needed this. It's been stressful, you know?"

"Yeah," he said, thinking of all the action they'd seen lately.

"You know what, Kaidan?"

"What?"

"Mindoir sucked."

He'd been wondering when she'd finally get around to talking about her past, but that wasn't quite the way he'd anticipated her doing so.

"Sucked?"

"It was just..._horrible_," she said, turning her face towards the view with a frown. "But I don't want to talk about that, you know? I mean, I got off easy. I realized that a long time ago. When I think of my family – all dead... Or my cousins – I mean, they're still out there, maybe. I'll probably never know..." She frowned. "That poor, poor girl – Talitha. But I just can't keep that sorrow in front of me. I forget about Mindoir sometimes – for weeks, even, and sometimes I feel bad for forgetting. But I can't hold it in front of me, and I think...that's right, too."

"Well, hell," Kaidan said. "You can't dwell on the past forever."

"Right," she said, turning to him, her eyes wide. "I have to get drunk and try dancing. I have to live – not just survive – but _live_. You know what I mean?"

"I think so."

"I'm going to tell you about Elysium," she said, pounding her fist on the barrier in front of her. "I've been wanting to tell you about it, especially since you went and told me about Vyrrnus. I think...I think you might understand. And now's as good a time as any."

"Okay..." Kaidan said, uncertainly.

"Elysium was worse than Mindoir,"Shepard said, her eyes growing serious. "Mindoir was just – confusion and smoke and screaming. On Mindoir, I didn't know what to do. Some batarian appeared out of nowhere and shoved a neural inhibitor into my head."

Kaidan stared at her, horrified at the thought. "You're kidding. Without anesthetic?"

"Yup," she said. "Hurt like hell. Worse than a bullet. And then there was this blue explosion..."

"Blue explosion?"

"I woke up and the medics were talking about how I was still flaring."

"You used biotics?" He was shocked. "Without implants?"

"I guess so," she shrugged. "I mean, biotics manifest around the teenage years..."

"Yeah, but most people just make a mess of themselves the first time they try anything."

"Well, I certainly made a mess of myself – and the batarian who'd attacked me. They had to grow me a new eye, you know." She tapped the scar on her cheek. "So yeah. I don't remember much. It was horrible, but I didn't have to watch it – Mindoir, I mean. It was over before I realized it had begun. I have scars, but the blade went in quick and it came out quicker, you know?"

Kaidan nodded, not sure what to say to that.

"But Elysium – God. That was supposed to be a party weekend, not a battle."

"A what?"

"I was stationed there," she explained. "A bunch of buddies from officer training had shore leave and were coming to visit me for a little R&R. One of them was this really hot guy who...well..." She smirked and shrugged. Kaidan suddenly had to fight the impulse to ask for details. He didn't want to know about that guy, he told himself. He didn't.

"Anyhow, they got there and we had a great old night of it."

Kaidan frowned, trying to ignore the feeling of jealousy that was rising in his gut over this unnamed, faceless officer.

"And then at 3 am, BOOM! Just, _bombs_!" Shepard threw up her hands to illustrate. "I was dead asleep in the hotel bed – I'd had only two drinks." She held up three fingers, then stared at them and laughed.

"That was the Blitz, then?" Kaidan asked.

"That was the Blitzzzz," she said, allowing the word to buzz in her skull. "It. Was. _Hell_." She emphasized each word. "I woke my friends, 'cause I knew – just _knew_ right away what was going on. I felt those bombs." She shivered. "They felt the same as before: the way the whole earth shook. I wanted to run and hide in my parent's cellar, but then I remembered that this wasn't Mindoir and mom and dad were dead and all my family was gone and I heard a kid crying down the hall and he needed help..."

She stopped. "So I fought. It wasn't heroic at all, either. I was terrified. I just had no other choice."

"What did you do?" Kaidan asked softly.

"Got my friends up and had them empty the resort area into the defensible quarter of town." She drew on the railing with her fingers. "The town hall and courthouses were here. Police office and jail, here. We got all the civilians bunkered into that complex and positioned teams with snipers and rocket troops on each corner of each roof. I held the entrance, here."

"That would have been the least defensible spot," Kaidan observed.

"Damn right," she nodded. "Especially because the hills lie here, here and here. My position was the best way in. I got stuck out there on my own and we couldn't risk moving someone to come cover me. They were holding off the air attack, so it was up to me to hold against the ground assault coming up the hill."

"I heard that you held them off for twelve hours," Kaidan said. "With biotics most of the time, since the guns burned out after a while."

"God, it was exhausting." She ran a hand over her face. "I just kept praying – which was weird, 'cause I really hadn't done much praying since my parents died – just, "Please, let me take this one out. That's one less guy that can hurt those kids inside." Then, "Okay, God. Just let me take this one down, too." It went on like that forever, it seemed."

Kaidan watched her, waiting for her to go on.

"Then the Alliance ships showed up and I swear, I will _never_ forget that sight. The top brass sometimes piss me off, but they came through on that day and I'll always be grateful. So, when the pirates realized they'd been pinned, they started surrendering. Someone came to relieve my position and I went down to check on the barricade I'd set up. There was a pirate there, hiding in wait. He tried to attack me and I threw him into a wall with my biotics. He got on his knees and surrendered and then..."

She suddenly stopped.

"Then what?"

"He had dropped something when I threw him," she said, speaking slowly now. "It was a neural inhibitor – just like the kind the slavers used on me back when I was a kid. I...I pointed my gun at that surrendering batarian... I told him to get down on the ground..."

She stopped, her eyes growing hard as she looked out at the wards.

"I made him put his hands behind his head."

She swallowed hard.

Kaidan felt a knot forming in his stomach. He could guess where this was going, and he told himself he could understand it. He waited, not wanting to hear more but knowing he had to.

"I shoved it into his head, Kaidan." She frowned and looked at her hands. "He screamed and it was suddenly worse than the fighting because he was screaming right in my face. I started beating him while he screamed. I kicked him. I whipped him with my pistol...I...completely lost it, Kaidan."

Kaidan felt is throat go dry.

"What happened?" he whispered at last

Shepard bit her lip and lowered her voice. "He just screamed and screamed and it sounded just like a man – a human man. Then he passed out from the pain and there was silence. And that was even worse. And so...I just...couldn't..."

Kaidan had no idea what to say. Shepard crossed her arms defensively across her chest.

"And so I pulled the damn thing out of his head," she said fiercely, as if she'd made up her mind just now, just as she'd made up her mind then. "Slapped a pack of medigel on him – a slaver and I wasted a whole pack of medigel on him." She shook her head in disgust. "Of course, it was my own damn fault he needed it. He was a mess when the medics got to him, but he lived. Lucky son of a bitch."

"You...saved him?" Kaidan blinked at her.

"See!" she cried. Kaidan shushed her as several people turned to stare. She lowered her voice.

"That's just it!" she hissed. "I took pity on the scum of the galaxy! _Scum_, Kaidan. But I was vindictive enough to attack him in the first place! And then I was soft enough to let him go..." She let out a sigh of disgust. "I just couldn't do it! I just felt this _rage_, but that silence..." She fell silent.

"So there you go," she said at last. "That's the war hero's triumphant end to her long, brave vigil."

Kaidan found himself staring at her profile in the low wards light. Her eyes were watery, yet steely at the same time, like thunderclouds full of rain. Kaidan shook his head.

"You are something else, Shepard," he murmured.

"Yeah, something weak and vicious at the same time," she muttered, resting her crossed arms on the railing. "Unstable, anyhow."

Kaidan thought better of it, but then he went ahead and did it anyway. He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close to his chest.

"That's not what I'm thinking," he whispered.

"What are you thinking, then?" Shepard shivered. His breath feathered the back of her neck and she was suddenly very aware of him. She'd gone from re-living her worst moment of weakness to very aroused in less than a second and the effect – combined with the alcohol – was dizzying.

"I'm thinking you're even more amazing than the stories of the Blitz let on," Kaidan said.

"Kaidan," Shepard let out an annoyed breath, trying to keep herself from turning into a puddle right at his feet. "Didn't you hear what I said? I assaulted a _surrendering_ _prisoner_."

"And he probably deserved it," Kaidan replied. "Okay, so beating him to hell wasn't nice. But he would have done the same to you if he'd had a chance. Hell, it might have been his father who attacked you on Mindoir – the bartarian you shredded, that is."

"I can only hope," Shepard replied sarcastically.

"See, there you go. My bloodthirsty commander is back."

"Kaidan, I don't want to be a bloodthirsty..."

"You're not," Kaidan interrupted firmly. "I was just teasing. You kill because you have to, Shepard – _only_ because you have to. It's the same with me."

"But I came so close to enjoying it," she said softly. "That's what it was. And I just...looking into that man – that batarian's face. I saw what I might become..."

"And you stopped," Kaidan said. "Just like you stopped with those terrorists."

"Kaidan..."

"Look at me," he ordered. She blinked and looked up at him. His face was very close to hers, his brown eyes full of nothing but trust. "You stopped, Shepard."

She swallowed. "Well there you go," she shrugged and quickly looked away before she did something stupid like lean in closer to that handsome face. "And now you know why I hate to talk about the Blitz. I was terrified the whole time and then ready to commit murder afterward. And then I had to sit up on a stage like a fraud and get a medal for the whole thing. The Alliance brass wanted a hero - the press wanted a hero - so they picked me."

"It was more than just that..."

"And then the media got wind of what really happened and I got smeared in the press. 'Shepard and Elysium: Heroics or Massacre'?" She bit out the title of Al-Jilani's bestselling book.

"No one believed that," Kaidan said.

"Enough people did," Shepard said. "It made the Alliance uneasy. And the worst part was, some of it was true."

Kaidan thought about it. "So, that's why you hate to talk about the Blitz."

"Yup. It was hell followed by a PR spin. Load of bullshit, all of it."

"And that's why you have such an issue with the press."

"Yeah, that's what started my little sparring match with Miss Al-Jilani. It seems that someone told her about my attack on that batarian and she decided to run with the story."

"There were witnesses?"

"The medics wondered about it, but only one person saw me do it. Just one."

"Let me guess," Kaidan said, not even trying to hid his disgust. "Your boyfriend."

"How'd you guess?" Shepard asked, sarcastically.

He frowned. "So what happened with _him_ after the Blitz?"

"Oh, he stopped talking to me. Said something about me being a vicious little Valkyrie and the name stuck. You know how it is."

"That's how you got the name?"

"Well, that and I like Wagner – when I'm in the mood, you know."

"So he just left after that."

"Pretty much," she shrugged.

"Did you love him?" he asked, not really wanting to ask the question but feeling compelled to all the same.

"I thought I did," she snorted. "But I sure as hell don't anymore." He knew at once she was telling the truth. It made him glad, though he knew that wasn't fair.

"So yeah," Shepard said. "I can sympathize a little about how you felt about Rahna – the little hooker."

"Hooker?" Kaidan burst out laughing, unable to help himself.

"What? She was." Shepard frowned and poked him in the chest. "You get beat to hell for her and all she says is, "Oh, gee thanks, but I want someone who doesn't have blood all over them." Well, excuse _you_ if the blood happens to be your own as much as the other guy's."

"You talking about me now Shepard, or you?" Kaidan asked, looking down at her.

"Ah..." She squinted at where her finger still rested on his chest. "Wait, which one is me and which one is you again?"

Kaidan chuckled. He knew that he really shouldn't be enjoying this moment as much as he was, but he just couldn't help himself. "We are getting a little mixed together these days, aren't we?"

"Mmmm-hmmm," she nodded with a smile. Kaidan returned it, knowing his grin was probably more than a little goofy.

"O-kay," Shepard said, dropping her hand and pulling away. "So now you know my dirty little secret. Well, the one about the Blitz, anyhow."

"Do you have any more I should know about, Shepard?" Kaidan asked, slyly.

"I have at least one more," she replied. "Maybe I'll tell it to you some day. Maybe the next time we take a break."

She said the last words with a sultry emphasis that made Kaidan's blood heat suddenly. Shepard leaned in towards him, and he only had a moment to register that she might be planning to kiss him when her elbow slipped off of the railing and she pitched forward towards the floor.

"Hey!" he cried, catching her.

"Oops," she said, righting herself. "Okay, that killed the moment."

"What moment?"

"You didn't see the moment? Damn. I'm worse at this stuff than I thought." When Kaidan just stared at her, she shrugged. "Oh well. I guess that's our cue to get back to the ship."

* * *

Kaidan walked Shepard down to C-Sec, then helped her into the elevator. He felt pretty clear headed by now – but Shepard was looking more and more like she was about to fall asleep on her feet.

When they got into the elevator up to the docking bays, Shepard took a step forward, wobbled for a moment, and then crashed into Kaidan. The momentum sent him backwards into the wall. Shepard stumbled forward into his arms.

"Mmmm..." she murmured.

"Ah, commander," Kaidan said, trying hard not to think about how good her hair smelled or how warm her body was through her armor. "This is really... The whole wall here is made of glass..."

"You're no fun," she said sulkily. Kaidan frowned down at her. The commander was never sulky.

She pulled away and pounded the button. They rode to the docking bays in silence, Kaidan inwardly cursing himself for having pushed her away, but then reminding himself it was for the best. When they reached the dock, however, he was glad that he hadn't indulged in holding her, because Garrus was waiting for them by the ship.

"Ah, there you are," the turian said, mandibles flaring. "Liara fell asleep a while ago, but she kept saying she was worried about you, commander. Something about you meeting demons from your past?" The turian fingered the pistol at his side.

"I had her, Garrus," Kaidan said, surprising himself with his own sudden sense of protectiveness. "We were just out for a walk." He felt an unexpected sense of pride that he had been the one to see Shepard through the night.

"Kaidan tamed the demons." Shepard surprised both of them by smiling wide and slapping Kaidan on the back. "Or rather, he bought me a drink and the demons were drowned. I danced, Garrus. I'm bad at it."

The turian's beady eyes widened. "Is she drunk?" he asked, half laughing.

"Mostly," Kaidan said. "She's more tired than anything, now."

"I'm standing right here, you know," she said.

"Only barely, commander," Kaidan reminded her.

"I can get to my quarters from here, gentlemen," Shepard said, saluting. "Carry on." She stumbled away, weaving slightly as she did so.

"Is she going to be alright?" Garrus asked Kaidan, his eyes narrowing with worry.

"You know the commander," Kaidan said, smiling in admiration as he watched her walk away. "She always pulls through."


	25. Coffee

_Chapter 25_

_(in which coffee combats a hangover)_

"How are you, commander?" Kaidan asked, plunking his coffee cup down next to hers.

"Ughn," she replied.

"That good, eh?"

"Yeah, well," Shepard took a deep drink of her coffee. "That's what I get for loosening up. Got to tie everything back up tight in the morning. Ugh, my head needs tying," she cradled her forehead in her hands. "String and glue, please."

Kaidan surprised himself by reaching over and rubbing a hand across her back. The previous morning, he would not have dared to do it, but he couldn't seem to help himself now. Instead of freezing or pulling away, Shepard sighed and leaned into his caress. Kaidan smiled.

"Hmmm," she sighed. "As long as I'm going to be miserable, this is good to wake up to."

"You gonna be alright?" Kaidan stilled his hand and looked at her.

"You mean about my reaction to the alcohol or what we talked about?"

"You remember what we talked about?"

"I was drunk, Kaidan, not lobotomized."

"Right. You didn't mind what we talked about...last night, I mean?" He remembered the previous night being a little more intimate than he'd meant it to be. Then again, this morning wasn't shaping up much different, given that his hand still rested on her back.

"Mind? No. On the contrary, thanks are in order. I'd dealt with the demons of Mindoir, but the Blitz – I'm still settling that score." She paused, then added. "I appreciate...what you said."

"I respect you, commander," he said solemnly. "You know that."

"Thanks, Kaidan."

A footstep sounded at the door and Kaidan quickly pulled his hand away as Tali walked in to the mess.

"Good morning, Shepard. Kaidan," she said brightly.

"Morning," the two of them responded in unison. Tali paused for a moment and cocked her helmeted head to the side. She said nothing, but Shepard got the sudden impression that the Quarian was studying them both from behind her mask.

"You two having breakfast?" Tali asked casually.

"Coffee is all I can handle this morning," Shepard replied.

"Oh yes, I heard about..." Tali broke off.

"You heard about what, Tali?" Shepard asked. She and Kaidan exchanged a glance.

"Only that Garrus and Liara were worried that you had...that you were upset. About the girl. The press got hold of the story. The news vids were full of Mindoir this morning. There was something about you, too, about you killing slavers after the Blitz. Presley shut it off. Said it was all lies."

Kaidan watched Shepard out of the corner of his eye. She didn't even flinch.

"War is never pretty," Shepard said. "But Miss Al-Jilani would hardly sell her vids if she didn't go poking around at the ugly parts."

"I suppose that's true," Tali nodded. "Well then, I'm going to the engine room. Adams found some debris yesterday in one of the Citadel markets and we're going to dismantle it together." Her voice indicated that she was smiling as she waved goodbye.

"Debris?" Kaidan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"She's a cheap date," Shepard shrugged.

Kaidan chuckled. "Unlike some women I know."

"What do you mean?" Shepard punched him in the arm. "I thought you said it wasn't a date."

"It wasn't," Kaidan said hastily. Shepard frowned.

"Anyhow," she said. "I believe _I_ paid for the drinks last night."

"With ill-gotten gains, wasn't it commander?"

"Oh, my God, you're right." She put a hand to her forehead.

"Did you forget that part?"

"Yeah. But I remember the rest of it really well." She smiled at him and Kaidan fought the sudden urge to pull her into his lap right there in the mess hall.

"Okaaay," she said, blinking and looking away. "We need to get back to work. We leave for Noveria in an hour. They say it's cold there, so pack warm socks."

"Are we back to being officers then, commander?" Kaidan asked. The words were out of his mouth before he could reconsider them. They were laced with disappointment.

Shepard frowned, but her eyes were soft when she replied, "I'm afraid so. For now, anyways, Ka – lieutenant."

"Ma'am," Kaidan nodded, and he went back to drinking his coffee.


	26. Noveria

_Chapter 26_

_(in which Noveria makes everyone feel a little colder)_

"Alenko! Buddy!"

Kaidan turned and instinctively reached for his gun. That said something about his life lately, he thought a second later. In a hotel bar, his first reaction was to think that he was being shot at, not greeted.

Kaidan looked up at the man approaching him. He placed the guy at once: Ben Russell. The guy was a jerk, a womanizer, and had only barely gotten through officer's training. He had been an ass when Kaidan knew him last and Kaidan could tell simply by the way the man walked that he was still an ass now. What he was doing on Noveria, Kaidan could only guess.

"Russell," Kaidan said, letting go of his pistol and reaching out a hand.

"Russ," the sandy-haired man corrected him. He flashed Kaidan grin made of even, capped, whitened teeth. "You're still as cold as ever, Alenko. Reachin' for your gun – don't think I didn't see that."

"Well, I'm on a mission..."

"You were always on a mission," Russell snorted. "Same Alenko as always."

"What are you doing here Russell?"

"Russ. I got transferred from my last job. After leaving the Alliance I found myself blackballed in a lot of lines of work. This place though, they were willing to overlook that."

_I just bet,_ Kaidan thought. He glanced around impatiently. He hoped Shepard wouldn't take too much longer going to get Liara from the Normandy. This place worried him. It just felt way too much like a pool of sharks. He just wanted to get out of here and on with the mission. Kaidan spared a glance to the windows. That was rich: he was actually itching to get out of this warm hotel and out into that storm outside.

"You look good, Alenko," Russell was saying as he motioned to the bartender. "You seem...different, somehow."

"I'm doing alright," Kaidan said.

"It's a woman, isn't it?"

"What?" Kaidan blinked and looked at Russell in surprise. "No, that's not..."

"Don't lie to me," Russell handed him a drink. Kaidan set it down and the sandy-haired man shrugged and drank it himself. "I remember you. Look, I may not have been much of an officer..."

"You only barely got honorably discharged."

"I don't like rules, what can I say?" Russell shrugged. "But I like people. I like you, Alenko. You were always so on edge, but you had my back. And here you are, calm as you like, looking around for someone like a man looks around for a woman he's supposed to meet. I know it's a woman."

"How would I possibly meet a woman while on a mission?"

"It never stopped me," Russell shrugged. "So what's she like?"

Kaidan shook his head. He remembered this now. Russell had always been the weirdest mix of jackass and psychiatrist. The man was crazy, but he read people well.

"She amazing," Kaidan surprised himself by saying. "Now drop it."

"Fair enough," Russell shrugged. "So what you been up to?"

"Classified," Kaidan replied.

"And where are you headed?" Russell said, seeming to ignore the fact that he was being brushed off.

"Still classified," Kaidan told him.

"Come on, Alenko," Russell said. "Don't be a prick. If you can tell me a little bit about what you're up to, I can give you information in return."

"And why would I do that?" Kaidan wanted to know.

"Because I want to know what the Alliance is doing here. It could help me get an edge – I'm always looking for an edge. And as for you, well, I know some things that might be useful to you."

"Not in exchange for any intel I have, you don't," Kaidan told him. "Sorry, Russell..."

"Russ."

"...I don't trade in loyalties for secrets."

"Always an Alliance man," Russell said with a sneer. "That high-and-mighty attitude is going to bite you in the ass someday. You know... Holy mother of the Matriarch, get a load of that!"

"What?" Kaidan turned to follow his gaze.

"That's Shepard – the first human Specter," Russell breathed. "Damn, she's as hot as in the vids. Hotter, even. Look at that jumpsuit – yeow."

"She's a Marine," Kaidan snapped. "Don't look at her like she's one of your cheap dates."

Russell turned and blinked at him, his eyes wide.

"No shit! She's the one you're..."

"Shut up, Russell."

"Classified mission, meeting a woman on duty. I bet she's your superior officer, too."

"Russell..."

"Well now," Russell laughed. "I wouldn't have figured you for that kind of thing, Alenko."

"If you think..." Kaidan began.

"Don't worry," Russell spread his hands wide. "You haven't got any money given your salary so I won't bother blackmailing you. And as for information about why you're here, well, I think the answer just walked into the bar. You're with Shepard. And what she's up to probably won't stay secret long."

"Goodbye, Russell," Kaidan said, coldly.

"Good seeing you, Alenko," Russell said. "Next time I see you, have some good info for me, yeah?" He smiled nastily before walking away.

"What was that all about?" Shepard asked, joining Kaidan a moment later. A very worried-looking Liara followed behind her.

"Nothing," Kaidan said, glaring at the man. "Just a jerk I knew from training."

"Hmmm..." Shepard said, watching him carefully. She had noticed that Kaidan had become edgy, his biotic energies growing raw and erratic. "You gonna be okay?"

"I'm fine," he said. "Let's just get out of here."

"First things first," Shepard said. "We've got to get ourselves permission to even leave this place."

Liara looked nervously at the windows.

"Don't worry, Liara," Shepard told her, touching her lightly on the elbow. "We're with you, okay?"

"That's not what..." Liara shook her head. "I'll be fine, commander."

"Lead on, ma'am," Kaidan said.

* * *

"Liara," Shepard whispered.

"Don't, Shepard," the young woman said, her face turned away to where the snow whirled against the windows of the tram. "I can't..."

"You can't talk about it," Shepard said softly. "I understand." She straightened in her seat, never taking her eyes off of Liara.

Just five minutes ago, they had come to the end of a tangle of lies, secrets, and endless laboratory tunnels to find Liara's mother – and to kill the woman. Benezia had been driven mad by Saren's indoctrination. Shepard still didn't understand quite how Saren had managed to control the minds of his followers – especially a being as powerful and full of self-control as an asari matriarch like Benezia. One thing was clear, however: Saren was growing more powerful by the day. She just hoped they would catch up to him soon.

Shepard looked over at Kaidan. The lieutenant sat with his arms folded across his chest, watching Liara warily. He caught Shepard's gaze and gave her a meaningful look. He, too, guessed what this was doing to Liara, and he had nothing to say either.

The ride back to the ship was a long one.

* * *

"So who died?" Joker said when the trio stepped back onto the ship.

"Benezia," Shepard said curtly.

"What? Liara's mom..." Joker broke off as the asari walked by without a word. "Oh, damn."

"Yeah," Shepard said. "Joker, get us... On second thought," she added, stopping as she went to grab the zipper of her jumpsuit, "don't leave just yet. Garrus, Wrex," she snapped into the comm. "Join me on the docks. I need your help."

"Not mine, commander?" Kaidan asked, frowning.

"Please get Liara down to the med bay, lieutenant," Shepard told him. In a low voice she added, "And make sure that Chakwas gives her a cup of spiked tea. I think the asari needs it."


	27. Pulling Rank Over Beers

_Chapter 27_

_(in which Shepard pulls rank over beer)_

"Williams, is that...beer?" Kaidan came into the mess, then stopped, staring at the three six-packs of micro brew sitting on the table.

"Want one?" the chief asked, popping off the cap of a bottle with her bare hand.

"If the commander sees that..." Kaidan started.

"The commander's on her way," Ashley explained.

"The commander _knows_?"

"Sure," Ashley said. "I invited her, and she said she was inviting a few other people. We're going to celebrate Armistice Day."

"Wait," Garrus had just come around the corner and now froze in place. "We're celebrating _what_?"

"The commander and I are celebrating the liberation of Shanxi," Ashley said, her eyes narrowing.

"No," Shepard said, appearing behind Garrus and walking briskly into the mess. "We're celebrating the end of the first contact war – when humans and the rest of the galaxy agreed to get along."

"Commander..." Williams broke off, frowning at Garrus. She clearly didn't like the change in plans, but had the wisdom not to say anything. Shepard noticed her hesitation.

"And if you want your drink Williams," Shepard said, smiling a little, "then I hope you'll be open to the guests I invited – all of them."

Ashely frowned. "Yes, ma'am," she muttered.

"Why didn't you invite me?" Kaidan frowned, trying not to feel like a dejected teenager.

"Because I've been busy picking up drinks for the party and getting us off of the ground," Shepard replied. "Hey Kaidan, you're invited to drinks with Williams and me at..." she checked her omnitool for the time, "2000 hours. Wanna come?"

Kaidan just chuckled and shook his head. "I can't believe you're going to have drinks on duty."

"Sure," Shepard said. "After Noveria, I think we all could use a stiff drink. But what I can't believe is how you got micro brew out in the traverse. Williams."

"Bought them on the citadel," Ashley replied. "Been saving them. Here," she handed one to Shepard. "I'm sorry, Garrus," she added, "but I don't think turians can drink this stuff."

"They can't," Shepard said, "but – ah, doctor, there you are. Got your reserves?"

"I do, indeed," Doctor Chakwas walked up to the table with Tali in tow and set down a few brightly colored flasks. "I think these will do for those with differing amino acids."

"Where in the traverse did you find that?" Garrus wanted to know, pointing at one pinkish-purple tube in particular.

"Alcohol is a fine remedy," the doctor said, setting down a bottle of earth-wine and popping the cork. "I make sure to have some in my stock at all times. As soon as we picked up additional crew, I made sure to have something for everyone."

"Got something for me?" a deep krogan voice asked.

"Damn, commander," Ashely said. "You invited half the ship."

"The whole ship, actually," Shepard replied. "The ones on duty now get to have a drink after we're done. Wrex, did you bring the stuff we got in Port Hanshan?"

"Right here," the krogan set down a crate full of various bottles. "That's not enough to get drunk on," he added ruefully.

"That's not the point," Shepard said.

"What? Of course it's the point," Joker came hobbling around the corner and gingerly settled himself into a chair.

"Just a friendly drink for everyone," Shepard said. "It's been a long run so far and we need a break. But I don't intend for us to be soused when we run into Saren."

"Well, and hopefully we'll run into him soon," Joker said. "I've set a course for Virmire and we'll soon find out what intel that recon team has for us."

"Good work," Shepard said. "I get the feeling it won't be much longer yet before we find Saren and nail him to the wall."

"Here, here!" Ashley cried. "I'll drink to that." She held up her beer, and finding Garrus was standing right behind her chair, she clinked glasses with the turian.

"What was that for?" he asked, staring at his drink. "Are you deliberately trying to spread your bacteria into my glass?"

"What?" Ashley frowned. "Lighten up, turian, I was just trying to..."

"It's a human custom," Shepard said, stepping in. "Humans make toasts – well wishes – and then clink glasses. It's a sign of friendship."

"Oh," Garrus' small blue eyes widened. "Well then. I hope you...stop Saren." He awkwardly tapped his glass against Shepard's bottle, and then, after a slight pause, did the same to Ashley's. Ashley shook her head, but she smiled. Shepard stifled a laugh.

As Doctor Chakwas got a drink out for Tali, Shepard looked up and caught the eye of Liara, who had come to stand shyly at the table. Shepard nodded at her and smiled. Liara returned the smile, but ducked her head. Shepard let out a small sigh. Liara was still grieving the passing of her mother on Noveria and Shepard hardly knew what to say to the young asari. Shepard had dealt with a lot in her life, but in her experience, her family had been a bright spot – brief though that spot had been. She couldn't even imagine what Liara must be going through to loose a mother – first to distance and time, then to death. She had tried talking to Liara, but it was clear that Liara's past attraction to Shepard had made things awkward now. Shepard didn't know quite how to help. She suspected that Liara mainly needed patience and time.

"Join us, Liara," Shepard said. She picked up a beer and handed it to the asari. "It's pretty nasty stuff," she added in a low whisper, "so you may want to hand it off to someone else and drink the doctor's wine instead. But just don't let Ashley see you pass up the beer. She'll tease you about it otherwise."

Liara smiled just a little. "Thank you, commander."

Turning her attention back to the table, Shepard helped Ashley pass out the beers. Several of the crew had come to join them, more started showing up in the mess once they had heard that the commander was passing out drinks on the crew deck.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Garrus said, "but isn't this gathering completely against your Alliance regulations?"

"Pretty much," Ashley laughed.

"It is," Shepard nodded, "which means that it never happened. Got it, everyone?" Those standing around nodded their heads in agreement.

"I saw nothin'," Joker said into his beer.

"It's just one drink, anyhow," Tali said with a shrug.

"We all need a break," Shepard agreed. "If I get any flack for it from the brass, I'll pull the Specter card."

"You'd pull rank over some beers, commander?" Kaidan asked. He had retreated to the corner of the mess where he stood leaning against the wall, beer in hand. He had been watching the commander the whole time with amusement, not saying anything until now.

Shepard gave him a sly smile. "If I have to," she said. "Whatever it takes to stop Saren, right? Desperate times call for desperate...Hey!" she turned and just caught herself from slapping Joker's hand hard. Instead, she snatched her beer back from the helmsman. "That's mine."

Kaidan chuckled. Shepard had changed a lot since he had first met her. Or rather, he corrected himself, her manner had changed. In truth, she really hadn't changed at all. He realized now that her warrior persona was just the shell of the woman she was inside. That woman was a lot more complicated – and more interesting – than the legendary "Valkyrie". And somehow, over the course of this mission, Kaidan had come to see her as she really was: generous and kind, though sometimes self-doubtful and weary. She had proven to be fiercely loyal to those she loved, and capable of more mercy than her reputation suggested – though he had to admit, when pushed, she had a spine of steel and a temper he didn't want to tempt.

Now the rest of the crew was coming to see her human side as well. The commander had extended a listening ear to nearly everyone on the ship. She genuinely cared about these people, and had drawn together a community where there had been merely duty before. And somehow, through all of these harrowing, confusing times, she had maintained a sense of honor and revealed a sense of humor. It was no wonder that everyone here respected and liked her so much.

Kaidan smiled as he watched her. He couldn't resent how friendly she was with everyone else, not when he knew that he was the one she came to when the day was over and the one she wanted to talk before heading to bed. Even now, she'd looked at him in a way that he felt sure had been meant for him alone. He raised his drink in a small salute to her, enjoying the half-smile she gave to him before turning her attention back to an argument between Wrex and Williams. Their friendship had begun awkwardly, he had to admit, but it had come to mean a great deal to him.

As he watched the crowd grow and the drinks being passed around, Kaidan suspected that Shepard had planned this whole party both to give everyone a break as well as to prove a point to Williams and the rest of the Alliance crew. By encouraging the aliens to come out from the various corners of the ship that they had hidden themselves in and join with the others, Shepard was making it clear that she thought they were all on the same side. It was an admirable plan, he thought, though there was still a little tension in the air, given the way that Williams was glaring at the krogan.

"So krogan women actually find those shreds down your face attractive?" the gunnery chief was saying.

"The mark of a warrior is always appealing," Wrex replied. "Unlike you weak humans, who seem to value softness. Among the krogan, for example, Shepard here would be considered attractive because of her scars. But you _humans_ think she's ugly."

"We don't think she's ugly!" Ashley snapped at him.

"Whoa," Shepard said. "Leave me out of this..."

"Is Shepard considered unattractive among humans?" Tali asked, her voice full of innocent confusion. "That's strange. I think she is quite pleasant to look at."

Shepard opened her mouth to speak, but just then Joker blurted out, "Hey, the commander is a babe. Just ask any of the men on this ship."

Everyone stopped talking and turned to stare at him. Joker suddenly turned red.

"I'm just saying...oh, shit." He pulled down the brim of his hat over his face.

"I'm flattered," Shepard said, looking for all the world like she was stifling a laugh, "Very flattered, really, but let's change the subject." When no one said anything she added, "That's an order. Seriously, people – change the subject."

A few of the crew laughed nervously and turned to talk to one another in small groups. Shepard looked down at Joker.

"It's alright, Moreau. I'm not going to break your arms. I need you to fly the ship."

"Right," Joker mumbled.

There was an awkward pause, then Garrus said, "I don't understand. Joker thinks Shepard looks like a child? Does that mean you're considered ugly for a human, Shepard?"

"_God_, Garrus," Ashley snorted, "That's not..."

"It's okay," Shepard said, her lips quirking in amusement. "'Babe' is a compliment, Garrus. And as for my face, it got messed up pretty bad as a kid and I had some reconstruction done. They couldn't fix everything, though. My face is a little scarred, but otherwise I look pretty average for a human."

Someone snorted. The group at the table turned to see that it had been Kaidan.

"What?" he asked, seeing everyone staring at him. "I didn't say anything."

"What the commander is neglecting to consider," Ashley said, "Is she's in really good shape. So in spite of her scars, yeah, she's considered attractive among humans. Don't deny it, commander," she said, looking over her beer at Shepard when the commander opened her mouth to protest.

"You are considered very attractive for a human, too, are you not, Miss Williams?" Liara asked, politely.

"Uh..." Ashley blushed and looked startled. "Depends on whose doing the considering."

Shepard laughed. "I think what Ashley is trying to say is that among Alliance Marines, particularly among female Marines, attractiveness is not something we talk about on a regular basis. Worrying about our looks is something we typically reserve for..." Shepard broke off and tried to remember the last time she'd worried about her appearance.

"Off duty?" Ashley offered. "Private lives?"

"Private lives?" Kaidan muttered. "What's that?"

"Agreed," Shepard said, looking up at him briefly. "So all that goes to say, it's not a topic of conversation that I feel comfortable with."

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Liara said hastily. "I didn't mean..."

"No harm done," Shepard said. She looked over at Joker. "Moreau – no harm done."

Joker mumbled something incomprehensible and kept his hat over his face.

"Alright, that's it," Ashley said, slamming her beer bottle down on the table. "I need to do something so that I don't feel girly all of a sudden. Commander, want to arm wrestle?"

"What?" Shepard laughed out loud.

"You heard me." Ashley plunked her elbow down on the table, hand up. "Bring it."

"What...just happened?" Garrus asked, looking from one woman to the other with a worried expression.

"A gauntlet got thrown, that's what," Wrex said, his eye lighting up and his voice registering approval.

"Williams," Kaidan said, watching both of them from the corner. "You're going to get creamed."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, LT," Ashley snorted. "Commander?"

Shepard looked at the chief's open palm, then at the crowd around them. Everyone had gone totally silent.

"Alright," Shepard said, sitting down across from the chief. "You're on."

"No biotics," Ashley said, leveling the commander a look.

"Done." Shepard placed her hand in Ashley's.

"Whoa," Joker said, looking from one woman to the other in amazement, his previous embarrassment now gone, "This is going to be good."

"Kay – Lieutenant," Shepard said, nodding to Kaidan. "Care to call it?"

"Play fair, ladies," He chuckled as he came to stand beside the table.

"How does this work, exactly?" Tali whispered.

"I don't know." Liara looked worried.

"I imagine we're about to find out," Garrus murmured. Wrex was grinning from ear to ear.

"Three...two...one...Go!" Kaidan said.

Ashley and Shepard clasped hands, each struggling against the other's grip.

"Oh," Garrus said, nodding. "That's the same as turian..."

"Shhh!" Joker and Wrex hissed at him. Garrus fell silent.

The struggle lasted for a few more seconds, then Ashley's grip gave way and Shepard slammed the chief's arm to the table.

"Damn," Ashley said, laughing and rubbing her hand. "You're a lot stronger than I took you for, commander."

"You, too, chief," Shepard said, flexing her fingers.

"Aw, crap," Joker said, "I should have put money down on that."

"No gambling," Shepard told him. "We're already breaking regs enough with the drinks."

"My turn," Wrex said, plunking himself down into a chair and putting his arm out. Everyone froze and stared at him. "What?" he asked. "No takers?"

There was a pause, then Ashley said, "Oh, what the hell? Show me what you've got, krogan."

To no one's surprise, Wrex easily beat Ashley – and Garrus and everyone, since he wouldn't rest until he'd tested his strength against the whole crew. He even managed to convince Doctor Chakwas to wrestle him, though Shepard threatened Wrex that if he damaged any of her crew – especially the medics – she would flay him alive. Wrex managed to win without injuring anyone.

And as Wrex fought his way through the crew, Ashley challenged anyone and everyone who would join her, and so the small drinks party turned into an arm-wrestling competition. Shepard found herself smiling as she stepped back and watched Liara arm-wrestle the requisitions officer. No one was more surprised than Liara when she beat him.

"Nicely done, Shepard," a voice said softly at her ear. Shepard registered the speaker in a moment, feeling suddenly warm all over. She turned to see Kaidan looking at her with amusement and approval in his eyes.

"Thanks," she said, turning away again before she started grinning at him like an idiot in front of the whole crew. "I wasn't sure if this would work out, but I think it did."

"It did," he agreed. "Nothing like alcohol and competitions of strength to bring a bunch of soldiers together." Shepard laughed at that.

"Well, we're just appealing to Ashley's softer side," she said, nodding at the table where Ashley had just finished off one of the corporals in a rematch. The poor man looked like he couldn't decide if he was completely embarrassed or completely in love. Shepard felt a little sorry for him.

"Shepard," Wrex said. Shepard looked up. "You going to take on Alenko?" Several people turned to stare at them. Shepard looked to Kaidan, eyebrows raised.

"Ah," he said, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Why not?" Wrex asked. "I've been wondering which of you two would win in a fight."

"This is hardly indicative of who is the better soldier," Liara told the krogan. "A fight uses speed and skill as well as strength. It isn't just about who has stronger bicep muscles."

"Well, I still want to see this," Wrex said.

Shepard and Alenko looked at one another for a moment longer, then Shepard shrugged.

"Sure, why not? I'll go easy on you, lieutenant."

"Easy on me?" He laughed.

"It would make it more interesting if they used biotics," Joker said. "I'd pay good money to see that."

"It sort of defeats the purpose of arm wrestling," Ashley pointed out. "The whole point is to see who has more physical strength."

"Well, let's find out then," Shepard said. She sat down at the table, elbow down, palm up. Kaidan hesitated for a moment, then sat across from her and took hold of her hand.

He realized his mistake the moment he did so. In all their time together, Kaidan had never actually held her bare hand before. He was now suddenly aware of the fact that he was doing so for the first time in front of a crowd of people. Her grip was strong, but her hand was slender – and warm – and covered with rough callouses. He could feel her biotic energy all the stronger now with the contact. She was holding her powers in check, but the hum from her amps was like a low pulse in the air. It was intoxicating – and distracting.

"You ready?" she asked. Kaidan blinked.

He almost missed it when Ashley gave the signal to go. Shepard took advantage of his distraction, and for a moment, Kaidan found himself fighting back against her quick push. He was strong, but Shepard had caught him off guard and now had his hand at a slight angle. It gave her leverage against him and he was having trouble keeping his arm from falling. They fought for a moment longer, neither one giving any ground.

"Go Kaidan," Joker murmured.

"Go skipper," Ashley called.

Then Shepard made the mistake of looking up into Kaidan's face. He met her eyes and a tiny shimmer of biotic energy flickered across his jaw and down his throat. Shepard blinked, her heart suddenly pounding. In that second, she lost focus. Kaidan slammed her arm down on the table. She looked down at their clasped hands, then back at him.

"Damn it, Alenko, you beat me." She frowned.

Joker whooped; Ashley swore. Wrex just stood there and laughed while Garrus looked a little worried.

"You used biotics," the turian said. "I saw you, lieutenant."

"I didn't," Kaidan said, frowning and taking his hand out of Shepard's hastily.

"For a second there, your face flickered..."

"He didn't use biotics," Shepard said. She withdrew her hand from the table slowly and then rubbed it with her other hand. "At least, he didn't use them to win."

"How can you tell?" Garrus asked.

"I'm a biotic," Shepard said. "I know. Alright, I think that's my last round for the night. My arm is getting tired."

"You okay, commander?" Kaidan asked. Shepard met his eyes. He looked worried.

"I'm fine," Shepard replied. "But I think I'm done for now. Joker, you can finish my drink. I'm going to go relieve Presley so that he can come on down and enjoy some of this. You did save a beer for him, didn't you Williams?"

"Huh?" Ashley looked up from where she was taking on the poor besotted corporal once more. "Yeah, I got him covered."

"Alright," Shepard nodded. "Carry on then, and take it easy everyone. Be sure to go to bed early. We have a mission starting in twelve hours. We need to be ready for it." Everyone groaned.

"I know, I know," Shepard laughed, "but when we're done, we'll have more drinks back at the Citadel. On me." The groans turned to cheers, then turned to the rumble of conversation as everyone returned to talking and arm wrestling.

Shepard looked once more at the crew – her crew – before she turned to the stairs. As she walked away, she found herself smiling. In the past, her missions had always been utilitarian affairs: she'd been professional and gotten things taken care of and then gone onto the next place the Alliance had sent her to. But this crew was like family, she realized. They had gotten over the fact that she was a biotic and accepted her as their leader without question. In turn, she had come to care about all of them, wanting to protect every last person on the ship.

It just went to show, Shepard thought, that when you let your guard down and let people in, sometimes the result would pleasantly surprise you.


	28. CIC

_Chapter 28_

_(in which the deck is almost deserted)_

Kaidan watched Shepard walk away and he frowned.

That had been...awkward.

He felt a little bad about beating Shepard at arm wrestling. The woman had lost to Wrex handily and only barely lost to Garrus, but in the few seconds that he had fought her, he realized that if he hadn't been careful, he might have lost to _her_. She had almost beat him due to his momentary distraction as they started. Now he wondered if she was offended that he'd won or if she thought he really had used biotics.

Setting his beer down, Kaidan slipped away from the table. No one seemed to notice him leave. He saw Navigator Presley coming down the port stairs, so he went up the starboard staircase. When he reached the command deck, Kaidan saw Shepard standing at the base of the galaxy map. The deck was almost completely deserted. Everyone was downstairs except for one lonely soul watching the helm in Joker's absence. The man's back was to them and he was a long way off. Kaidan suddenly felt a little strange up here with Shepard, virtually alone under the blinking lights of the CIC.

"Shepard?" he said. She turned at once.

"I mean, commander," Kaidan corrected himself. Shepard cocked her head.

"Is something wrong, lieutenant?" she asked.

"Ah, no." Now that he was up here, he wasn't sure what he wanted to say.

"I hope you didn't find that party out of order," Shepard said, warily.

"I think it was a good idea," Kaidan told her. "It brought everyone together. I approve."

"Well, good," Shepard said, looking slightly amused. "Even if you didn't, I still would have done it. But...that's good that you approve."

"Look, ma'am," Kaidan said. "I hope I didn't hurt your arm."

"My arm?" Shepard looked down at her arm, then raised an eyebrow. "From arm wrestling, you mean? Kaidan – lieutenant – you're going to have to work a lot harder to wound me than that."

"I didn't use biotics, you know," he said.

"I know that," she replied as if she was confused. Then she stopped and frowned at him. "Though, I do wonder – did you do it deliberately?"

Kaidan's brown wrinkled in confusion. "Ma'am?"

"Come on, Kaidan, I saw that flicker. I might have done it myself, if I'd thought of it."

"Thought of what?"

"Flaring at me to distract me. It was hardly fair."

"You found that – distracting, ma'am?" Kaidan asked.

"So you didn't do it to make me loose my concentration?" Shepard folded her arms across her chest and cocked her head to one side.

"Why would that make you loose your concentration?" Kaidan asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Shepard said with a one-shoulder shrug. "Maybe because your biotics are so damn hot?"

Kaidan blinked. Shepard blinked as well, then clamped her mouth shut, realizing she'd said too much.

"Ah..." She made a face, dropped her arms, and turned back to the map. "Never mind..."

"You...find my biotics...attractive?" Kaidan found his throat had gone dry. And after all that beer, too. He knew that he had found her biotic abilities unbelievably sexy, but had never dreamed that she might feel the same way about his.

"Don't let me drink," Shepard muttered. "Even one beer. Or half a beer. I swear, it's like my mind suddenly disconnects from my mouth. And I'm not even drunk."

"You find my biotics attractive," Kaidan pressed, taking a step towards her. "And that's why you were distracted by that flare of mine during our match?"

"So you _did_ intend to distract me?" Shepard glared at the map.

She was being prickly now, Kaidan realized, and she refused to look at him. Somehow, the whole situation just made him grin. She actually found his biotics attractive, and she seemed to be embarrassed about it.

"I didn't mean to do anything," Kaidan told her. "But this is the confession I get out of it, then I'm glad I did."

"Great," Shepard said, still glaring at the map.

"I find your biotics sexy as hell," Kaidan told her, his voice low. "Just so you know."

Shepard turned to stare at him. "Seriously?" she asked.

"Seriously," he replied, taking another step towards her. "I guess it's that..." He stopped and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not really sure how to describe it."

"It's that you used to always think of your biotics as a liability," Shepard said, speaking quietly, but with utter conviction. "You could shred someone with a thought or snap them in half with a flick of a finger. You realize how hard it is to be normal around someone else when everything about you just..._isn't_."

Kaidan found he was smiling. He also found he was standing just a step away from her. "You have to eat all the time to keep your energy up..."

"Tell me about it," Shepard laughed.

"...you have constant headaches..."

"I don't get the headaches so much," Shepard said.

"You know," Kaidan said thoughtfully, "I don't get them much either these days. I can't tell if that's because I'm using my biotics so much that I'm getting used to the strain or if it's because of you."

"Me?" Shepard blinked at him.

"Ah..." Kaidan hesitated, suddenly realizing he'd said more than he meant to.

"How do_ I _help with your headaches?" Shepard wanted to know.

"You..." Kaidan frowned, then thought, _why not?_ If he trusted her enough to tell her about his feelings about her biotics, then surely he trusted her enough to tell her this.

"I can...sense biotic energy," Kaidan told her. "I don't know many biotics who can, but I can, well, I guess..._feel_ is the nearest thing. I feel mass effect energies like a kind of low hum. Weak biotics give off a little static, strong ones give off even more. But you, Shepard, you're both strong and controlled all at the same time. When you're around, it's like...cool water. It's very soothing."

She stared at him and said nothing.

"I...ah...didn't mean to..."

"How long have you been able to sense me?" she asked. "Sense my energies?"

"Um..." She sounded a little angry, Kaidan thought. He paused a moment before replying, "Since I first met you."

"And you never said anything?" She frowned.

"I didn't...look, it's not something I talk about. Biotics are considered frightening enough without people thinking that we can read their auras or something."

"We can't read auras," Shepard replied. "We can only pick up on the energies of other biotics."

"Right," Kaidan nodded. "Wait – we?"

"I can do that, too, Kaidan," Shepard let out a breath. "Only, up until now I thought I was the only person who could."

"You...did?"

"Well, yeah," she scowled at him. "I was fitted with implants about the time I enlisted. The biotic training I got from the Alliance was pretty simplistic. I figured out most of my tricks myself. Nobody in the class seemed to have the same ability to read energies as me – not even the instructor. I didn't want to appear more of a freak than I already felt I was. So I kept it to myself. I thought it was just me."

"There are others," Kaidan told her. "Though not many. You have to be pretty strong to sense other energies and extremely disciplined. Basically, you have to keep your own energy in check in order to read anyone else's. Otherwise, it's like your own chatter is all you get on the comm."

"So my chatter has been on your comm all this time and you never bothered to say anything." Shepard looked at him accusingly.

"Like you said, Shepard," he told her, "it's not a skill that's all that common. I don't go around advertising it."

She glared at him for a second, then her gaze became considering. "I guess I can respect that," she said, turning back to the galaxy map. "But I wish I'd known all this when I was back in basic. Would have saved me a lot of worry. All this time I thought my biotics were something stranger than most – something really unusual."

"Well, they are unusual," Kaidan said.

"But I've always been especially cautious and controlled. I always thought I was more of a freak, or a hazard, or – whatever – than other biotics."

"Well, given the way you take people out," Kaidan said teasingly, "you are more of a hazard than most other biotics."

"Yeah, just not..." Shepard stopped and shook her head. "I guess what I mean is, it would have been nice to know I wasn't alone." She stopped, realized what she'd just said, and met Kaidan's eyes.

"No," he told her. "You're not alone."

"I guess I'm not." She paused. "And you find my biotics sexy," she added, smiling at him.

"Very much so," he murmured, looking down at her.

"Is that because you don't have to worry about hurting me or because my energies ease your headaches or because you like the way I look when I'm glowing blue?" She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

"Can I answer 'All of the above,' ma'am?" Kaidan asked.

"Good answer."

Shepard took a step closer and allowed a flicker of biotic energy to slide along her lips. She was doing it deliberately, Kaidan realized. The sight made him feel as if he'd forgotten to breathe. He swallowed. They were nearly chest to chest now, and the galaxy map framed Shepard in a halo of miniature stars.

"Shepard," he breathed. "I..."

But just as he thought that now would be a perfect time to finally take her in his arms and kiss her as he'd been wanting to for weeks, he heard voices behind them. Kaidan took a step back just as two crew members came up from the stairs. The two men stopped and saluted the lieutenant and the commander Kaidan stiffly returned the gesture. He turned to see that Shepard had stepped away from him and done the same.

"That was close," he murmured.

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" she asked, irritably.

"I...nothing...just that..."

"Just that flirting in plain sight of everyone on the deck is a bad idea?" Shepard spoke softly, but bitterly. "Fair enough. You're right."

"I'm sorry, commander," Kaidan said, suddenly feeling awkward. "I didn't mean..."

"Lieutenant," she said, shooting him a glance, "If you apologize for what you just said, I'm going to be really angry."

"Ma'am?"

Shepard ran a hand through her hair and sighed.

"No," she said, half to herself. "I'm glad we talked about this. But now we're just going to have to wait a little longer until we can test it all out."

"Test what out, ma'am?"

"Test out the compatibility of our biotic powers," she said, speaking in a low voice that made his blood heat suddenly. "I have a feeling that it might take a while to get our frequencies...in line."

Kaidan could think of nothing at all to say in return. His mind seemed to have gone blank.

"I'd better go to bed," Shepard said, smiling in a sultry way that Kaidan had honestly never seen before. "You just think about what I said, lieutenant."

"I'll be thinking about it," he murmured. "Rather uncomfortably, I bet."

Shepard smirked at that. "Let that be your reprimand for not telling me about your biotic abilities earlier."

"I think the punishment hardly fits the crime," Kaidan managed.

Shepard just gave him another wicked smile and walked away.


	29. Baited Breath

_Chapter 29_

_(in which there is a moment of calm before Virmire's storm)_

"ETA to Virmire, 20 minutes," Joker's voice crackled over the comm.

"Ground team, suit up and meet me in the cargo hold," Shepard's voice followed soon after. "That's Alenko and Williams – if you're both clear-headed enough to join me."

"Wouldn't miss this beach for the world, ma'am," Ashley's voice crackled back.

Kaidan looked up from his station and just as Shepard came around the corner from her quarters. She looked well rested, for a change. He was glad to see that someone had gotten a good night of sleep. He had spent the first part of the night feeling extremely...restless.

"Kaidan," she said, stopping in her march across the deck to come speak with him. Kaidan found that he had begun to smile. It had become a habit of hers to stop and talk with him whenever she passed by, which, thankfully, was often. He was glad to see her this morning.

"One last errand for the council," he told her. "And hopefully this will give us the evidence we need to bring the whole citadel fleet after Saren."

"I don't know," Shepard said doubtfully. "If we can get their help, that will make this much easier But somehow, I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to be quite so smooth a run. Ah well, I'm probably imagining things. In the meantime, I'll hope for the best and expect the worst, you know?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said. He chuckled. "You've had to do that your whole life, haven't you – expecting the worst and hoping for the best?"

"Pretty much," she answered, folding her arms across her chest and leaning against the monitor. "I've had to be a little bit of bitch – no, I'm serious Kaidan," she said when he shook his head. "I know how I come across to people. I've had to watch out for myself all these years. Until I met this guy on one of my missions, that is."

"What guy?" Kaidan asked suspiciously.

"Oh, this technician," she said airily. Kaidan found himself frowning.

"He was a lieutenant," Shepard went on, taking a step closer to him, "a biotic with L2 implants. He was pretty easy on the eyes, too." She reached out a hand and lightly touched him on the arm.

"Oh," Kaidan said, realizing what she meant.

"He was a bit insubordinate," Shepard continued. "Didn't tell me the whole truth about his damn biotics until just yesterday." Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, but Shepard cut him off by saying, gently, "But he always had my back. Kind of made me start hoping for the best all the time – at least as far as he was concerned." She let her hand trail down his wrist to find his hand. Their fingers intertwined. Kaidan lifted his eyes to meet hers.

"I'm hoping for the best here, too, commander," he told her, bringing their clasped hands up to rest against his chest. "Both for an end to this mess and for...what comes after."

"I hear you, soldier," Shepard said, stepping in close to him, so close that he could feel the warmth of her skin from just a few inches away. "I'm waiting for that shore leave with baited breath."

A ripple of blue biotic fire shimmered down the side of her face, indication of the strong energy, strong feelings, she was keeping held in check – for him. Kaidan sucked in a breath.

"God, you're good at that," he murmured.

"Good at what?" she asked, her eyes twinkling in amusement.

"Good at distracting me from...what...I was doing... What the hell _was_ I doing?"

"I don't know, Alenko," Shepard smirked. "What the hell _are_ you doing? I often see you working over here and wonder that myself. What is he working so hard on over here when he should be in my quarters working on me?"

Kaidan blinked at her. Shepard blinked as well. She could not believe she had just said that. In her experience, she did not flirt, she did give sexual invitations, and she never, _ever_ sounded sultry. Yet, here she was, doing all those things to the lieutenant – and doing them rather admirably, too, to judge the his reaction. She didn't know whether to shake herself for being so shameless or congratulate herself for being so effective. Kaidan's biotics flared for a moment, a brief blue flicker along his jaw and neck. Then he cleared his throat and looked up at her through his eyelashes.

"Shepard," he whispered, taking a step closer to her so that their bodies touched. "Look, when this is over, I..." He took a deep breath to steady himself. With it, he caught the scent of her hair and skin. It was a clean smell, soap, he figured, but it smelled so damn good.

Kaidan lifted his head to look at her face – and over her shoulder, he saw two crew members walking towards the mess hall.

"Damn," he muttered, taking a step back. Shepard looked at him questioningly, then looked behind her and frowned.

"Oh," she said. "Right. We were on our way to go shoot stuff again, weren't we?"

"Yeah," he shook his head, ruefully. "Shepard, you are hard to step away from, you know that?"

"I'm looking forward to a time when you won't have to."

"Yeah, me too." Kaidan sighed. "We'll get this done, commander." He smiled and looked at her sheepishly. "The sooner, the better, for my sanity's sake."


	30. Virmire

_Chapter 30_

_(in which Shepard has to choose)_

Shepard froze on the walkway, mid-stride. As the crackle of the comm died away, she could hear the sound of surf crashing against the rocks in the distance. A gentle breeze feathered her cheek. Above her, the sky was clear and blue. A few creatures that looked like gulls sailed on the wind.

And behind her a giant metal ship disappeared from view, down into the courtyard she had just left behind.

"Did you hear me, LT? The geth are on their way to where you are." William's voice crackled again.

"They're already here," Kaidan said, his voice steady in spite of the gunshots in the background. "Alright. That's it. The bomb is set. Go get Williams, commander."

Shepard couldn't see his face, but she knew the expression. He would be frowning, his brow furrowed, his scarred lips set in a firm line.

"Damn it, Alenko, what are you doing?" she cried. But even as she said the words, she knew what he was doing. He was trying to save Ashely – to save her – to make sure their mission succeeded even if it cost him his life.

He was trying to keep her from having to choose.

"Screw that!" Ashley's voice came over the comm. "I can take care of myself. If I can't get past these geth to get to the rendezvous point, then that's my problem. Go get Alenko, commander! Make sure that bomb goes off."

"This bomb _is_ going off," Kaidan shouted back. "It's set. Just get the hell out of here – both of you."

"Shepard." Garrus' voice came from behind her – directly behind her. He sounded worried. No, more than that, he sounded as anguished as she felt.

_There's not enough time_, Shepard mused, her thoughts seeming to come loose like beads without a string._ There was never enough time._

Shepard remembered that moment on Eden Prime when she had found Williams, bleeding and alone, but still fighting on.

_Kaidan is the ranking officer._

Shepard envisioned Ashley's face, smirking over some private joke of theirs.

_Kaidan is a medic, a technician, and a biotic. His skills are as unique as they are invaluable._

Shepard remembered talking with Ashley every time she went down to the hold to check on her team's gear, remembered their conversations about family members now long gone.

_Kaidan was on my team. My responsibility is to my team._

Shepard remembered how just last night, she and Ashley had arm wrestled, then shared a laugh about it over a beer.

_Kaidan is all that stands between the geth and that bomb. If he gets killed, the geth could possibly disarm it, and all our work here would be for nothing._

Shepard thought of Ashley's treatment of the aliens on the crew – mistrustful at first, then respectful and even friendly in the end. Just an hour ago, Williams had gone off to work with a team of salarians without a complaint.

_Kaidan is the best thing that ever happened to me._

The thought went through her mind like an arrow, shattering all the other thoughts.

_No, no, no, and no._ She thought, slamming a door shut on that part of her mind – that part of her heart. That shouldn't matter. That _couldn't_ matter. She couldn't make a decision about the lives of her crew with something like emotion hanging in the balance.

She had gone for so long without personal entanglements, personal ties, and now she almost found herself wishing that she had never gotten so close to her crew. Not just Kaidan, but Ashley as well. How could she make this choice, return to the ship to face an empty locker?

She had suspected this mission would end badly. When she sent her gunnery chief off to help hold the line with the salarian recon team and she and Kaidan had taken the task of sneaking into Saren's base to set a bomb and destroy the place, the thought occurred to her that she might never see her sister-in-arms again. She had hated the decision to split up her squad. Secretly, she had been glad that she needed Kaidan's tech expertise to set the bomb, glad to have an excuse to keep him by her side – as he had always been.

But Ashley had been at her side through many missions, too. Shepard had guessed that she might loose someone in this tangled mission. She just didn't think that she would loose anyone to a choice – to _her_ choice.

Shepard swallowed.

She would save Kaidan; she knew she must, she knew she would. But she wanted to save him so badly, her heart aching to do so, that she almost couldn't bear it. For a moment, she considered leaving him behind, saving Ashley from a brave death – a death made necessary by Saren's treachery.

Even as the thought crossed her mind, Shepard's face hardened. This was Saren's fault. Her heart felt heavy, but her mind knew knew the truth:

This choice had been forced upon her.

And that just pissed her off.

A coldness settled over her. It was as welcome as it was empowering. She'd have to become like ice again to get through this. This was no time to be human. She had to move.

"Kaidan," she snapped into the comm, her voice emotionless and determined, "Hold your position. We're on our way back to you."

"What?" he cried. "Shepard – commander. No!"

"You know it's the right thing, LT," Ashley's voice sounded sad and weary, but also, strangely peaceful. "Just get out of here."

"Come on," Shepard said to the two aliens at her back. "We need to move." Then her voice nearly broke as she added, "Ashley...I...I'm so sorry."

"I don't regret a thing, Commander," came the brave reply. "Now get out of here. And take care of each other..."

Ashley's voice crackled out of reception and Shepard never heard it again.

* * *

Kaidan could scarcely see over the splashing water, could scarcely hear over the roar of the drain beside him. He figured he'd been shot at least five times. His leg was numb and he only knew he had hands left because they ached with every pistol shot or biotic kick he fired.

_Just get out of here, Shepard,_ he kept thinking. _Just get yourself safe. Just _live_, damn it._

He shot another geth in the head. The creature dropped into the water that filled the courtyard. Kaidan sucked in a breath as something crested over the rise. Two geth, big ones, and given the frequency of the shields surrounding them, they were powerful. They were probably the last thing he'd ever see, he thought. That was too bad. He was kind of hoping he'd see Shepard's face one last time.

Then, as if his thoughts had summoned her, there she was. The world seemed to pitch as a ball of blue-white energy twisted the air before him. The geth were pulled into Shepard's singularity, then ripped to shreds by bullets. Garrus and Wrex fired round after round into the mass, Shepard's precise pistol shots accentuating the chorus of assault rifle fire. Kaidan had never heard such a lovely sound.

Suddenly, there was a splash. Kaidan looked up to see Saren striding towards them. He didn't have time to wonder where the hell the rogue Specter agent had come from. The turian shouted at Shepard, but Kaidan couldn't quite hear what he was saying. Then he saw Saren swoop down on Shepard. She tried to knock the turian back with her biotics, but he caught her by the throat. The giant alien held Shepard aloft, her feet dangling helplessly. Kaidan felt, rather than heard himself shout her name. Beside him, the bomb suddenly rang out, a blasting sound that warned an explosion was imminent. Saren turned his head. For a moment, Kaidan felt a chill down all the way to his numb legs at the sight of those dead eyes.

Then Shepard punched the bastard in the head.

Kaidan almost laughed at that. Saren dropped her in surprise. Shepard shook her fingers – punching a turian right in the plated jaw had have to hurt – and grabbed her pistol. She stumbled to her feet and aimed it at Saren, but the turian had gone. Swearing loudly, she holstered the pistol and came running to Kaidan's side.

"You were supposed to save Williams," he told her. He intended his voice to be angry, censuring, even insubordinate, but it just came out soft and wondering. "You were supposed to leave me." He could feel himself loosing consciousness.

"Joker!" Shepard snapped into her comm. "Where the hell are you?"

"Over your heads," came the reply. "Dropping in now."

"Shepard, I..." Kaidan gazed up into her face as she extended a hand to him. She was still shimmering with biotics, all white and blue light – like an angel, he thought. It was the last thing he remembered before passing out.


	31. That Choice

_Chapter 31_

_(in which Ash doesn't make it)_

"Kaidan!" Shepard cried. The lieutenant slumped against the bomb, his eyes falling shut.

_Oh, please God_, she silently prayed, _don't let him die. Not after I had to give up Ashley to save him._

Using her biotics to aid her muscles, she lifted Kaidan onto her shoulder.

"Shepard!" Garrus gasped with astonishment beside her. "How did you...?"

"Get onto the ship!" she screamed. The Normandy's cargo bay was right behind them. Without waiting for the aliens, she ran – actually ran – with Kaidan on her shoulder up the ramp and into the hold. Garrus and Wrex followed close behind. Tali and Adams stood at each side of the entrance. The moment that everyone was on board, they shut the door.

"Joker!" Shepard shouted. "Get us the hell out of here! Doctor Chakwas, get ready for a patient!"

"Aye, aye," Joker's voice crackled over the comm just as Chakwas' voice came in to say, "What happened?"

Shepard didn't even stop moving as she ran to the elevator and slammed the button with her free hand. Garrus shouted at her as the door closed: "Shepard! What are you...?"

Then the door slid shut and everything was silent.

That was even worse. Here in this metal cube, Shepard could feel Kaidan hanging heavily on her shoulder, his biotic hum so low she thought she might be loosing him. She felt a pitch in the ship, indicating that they were pulling away from the base.

_Ashley_, she thought. _Kaidan_.

She couldn't think much beyond that. Her mind just kept repeating the two names over and over. And yet, here she was with the one she had chosen.

_Ashley. _Shepard briefly squeezed her eyes shut. There was no time for tears. Not now.

_Forgive me_, she thought, not quite sure whom she was asking forgiveness of.

The elevator ride had never seemed so long as it did then. The moment the doors opened, she stumbled out, nearly running over the very surprised Doctors Chakwas and T'Soni.

"My God," Chakwas breathed, looking over the bleeding lieutenant and the glowing commander in amazement.

"Get a bed ready," Shepard snapped. "I think he's been hit several times. Might have sustained damage to an artery. His energy is low."

"Bring him here," Doctor Chakwas said. She ushered Shepard into the med bay, where the commander gently laid the lieutenant down on a cot. As doctor Chakwas grabbed a pack of medigel, a pair of scissors and a pair of tongs, Shepard gingerly removed Kaidan's helmet. His face was pale and a line of blood had dried on his lip. Shepard felt her heart ache at the sight of him like this.

There was a sudden lurch as the ship shuddered to one side.

"What the hell was that?" Shepard snapped, using her comm.

"The bomb," came Joker's reply. "It went off. That's...We lost Williams."

The ship seemed to go quiet. Shepard found she couldn't say anything at all. She looked up into Liara's face. The asari's eyes were shining with tears.

"Commander..." she began.

"Joker," Shepard said coldly. "Get us out of here. Get us back to the Citadel and ready a comm link to the Council for me. Ground teams and senior crew, we're going to have a debriefing in a half hour. Get yourselves cleaned up."

Shepard suddenly realized that she hadn't said enough. She was going to have to talk about it, even if she was not quite ready to. She sucked in a deep breath, then spoke with icy precision to the comm:

"Listen up, everyone. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams is...dead."

She tool a breath to steady herself and went on.

"Saren left us – left me – with a hellish choice down there. We managed to destroy his base and his army of tank-cloned krogan. But in the process, we got...split up. Ashley didn't get to the ship in time. Lieutenant Alenko survived, but he's hanging by a thread. Whatever you believe in..." she paused, remembering Ashley's own strong faith. "Whatever you believe in, pray or meditate or...send word. Ask it, Him, or Her, to be good to our friend Ashley on the other side. And ask that Kaidan be spared today."

She realized belatedly that she had just used Kaidan's first name in front of the entire crew. She also realized she didn't care. She had spoken of Ashley familiarly, too. Under the circumstances, it seemed right. Both of them had become so close to her.

And she had to choose.

She switched off the comm link and looked down at Kaidan.

"Is he going to be okay?" she asked, only barely retraining herself from brushing a hand over his face.

"He'll be fine," Doctor Chakwas assured her. "He's lost a lot of blood, but mostly he taxed his biotics to the limit. He's utterly exhausted. I could give him a stimulant to wake him up..."

"No," Shepard said, shaking her head. "Let him rest." She continued to stare down at him.

"Forgive me," she murmured, not even realizing she'd said it.

"I'm sure she does," Liara said, her voice low and steady. Shepard looked up at her. "Chief Williams would forgive you, commander. You know she would."

"Yeah," Shepard said, standing and swallowing back the tears rising in her throat. "She would, wouldn't she? She was always a bigger softie than she let on. I'm going to the comm room, I need to send a message to the Council."

"Commander," Doctor Chakwas said, "You need to be seen to as well. You..."

"I'm fine," Shepard snapped. "And I don't have time to stop right now. I'll be alright," she said when the doctor looked doubtful. "I have a Council to go yell at for crappy intel – again."

With that, she strode out of the med bay.

* * *

Shepard rested her hands on the rail of the comm room as the three holographs flickered away.

"Shepard?" a voice spoke behind her, sounding worried.

"Yeah, Garrus?" she asked, not turning. She knew the voices of her crew so well now, she thought to herself. She could probably place them by the sound of their footfalls alone.

"You...okay?"

"Yeah, I'm..." she turned to face him. The turian looked worried, and Shepard had never seen that heavily plated face look quite that upset before. "I'm...fine. About ready to take out a certain member of your species, but otherwise fine."

"Saren, you mean?" Garrus asked.

"I was more thinking that damn turian councilor. But yeah, Saren first." She cocked her head. "Are _you_ alright, Garrus?"

"I..." Garrus' mandibles flared, his face seeming to frown. "I've never lost someone under my command, before, Shepard. I...don't know how to say this..."

"You don't have to," she replied, cutting him off. "What is there to say, anyhow?"

"You did the right thing," Garrus said, decisively.

"Did I?" She laughed bitterly and shook her head. "I don't think there's a 'right' here, Garrus, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

"We'll get him, Shepard," Garrus said. The door to the comm room opened as Shepard said, "Yeah, we will. We'll get Saren's head on a spike for what he did to my friend today."

"Bloodthirsty much, commander?" a soft voice rasped.

Shepard looked up in astonishment to see Kaidan standing in the doorway – well, leaning on it for support, actually. He gazed at her with weary eyes.

"Kaidan," she breathed. She only just stopped herself from crossing the room to hold him.

"Alenko," Garrus said, turning and giving the lieutenant a relieved look that Shepard took for a smile. "I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

"No, you didn't," Kaidan said thoughtfully, stumbling to his seat. "Please tell me I dreamed it," he said, collapsing into the chair. "Please let me that we didn't leave Ash." He looked at the empty seat next to his with a haunted expression.

"Saren's a bastard," Garrus spat out. "He'll pay for costing us a life."

"It won't bring her back," Kaidan said softly. Then he winced and grabbed his side.

"You okay?" Shepard asked, taking a step towards him.

"I'm fine," he told her. He then glared up at her. "That bomb would have gone off, commander."

"Not a risk I could take," she told him flatly.

"Remember how easy it was to disarm that pirate's bomb?" Garrus asked.

"That was a second-rate tech job..."

"And the geth have the processing power of hundreds of computer programs," Garrus shot back. "If they had finished you off like they were about to..."

"I had it, damn it!" Kaidan snapped. "They wouldn't have stopped the bomb. You didn't need to come back for me."

"Yes," Shepard said quietly. "I did."

Kaidan looked up at her and their gazed locked. For a moment, no one said anything.

"You were impressive down there, Shepard," Wrex broke the silence as he strode into the room, followed by Tali and Liara. His tone sounded almost admiring. "You were as cold as Tuntau ice."

"I _was_," Shepard snapped, glaring at him. "But I don't take any of this lightly, and if you suggest that this mess of a mission is something to be proud of, then I will personally shred you where you stand with a dissonance field, Wrex, and finish what we started down there on Virmire."

The krogan said nothing, but nodded at her in what could only be called admiration. Everyone else in the room blanched. Even Tali, behind her mask, seemed to be nervous.

"No one questions your decision, commander," Presley said. He had just walked in and stood beside Ashley's old seat. "You saved our lieutenant and stopped that genetic lab. Ashley was...an unfortunate casualty of a necessary mission."

Shepard glared at him, her icy manner seeming to freeze everyone in the room. "This is beyond right and wrong, Presley."

"This is true," Liara nodded, her worried eyes searching Shepard's face. "An asari matriarch once said that when a virtuous person is forced to choose between two terrible outcomes, it does not mean the person has become evil for having to choose one of them. When there is no morally correct option, there is no moral blame."

"Human philosophers have said the same thing," Shepard said, her voice steely. "But Aristotle and asari matriarchs are cold comfort under the circumstances."

"But why me, commander?" Kaidan said, breaking into that icy tension with his soft voice.

Shepard considered him for a moment, then said, "I could give you a list of reasons, lieutenant. But the long and the short of it is that I simply couldn't leave you behind." She paused, then added, "You know why."

"So Ashley died because of me?" Kaidan's eyes grew even more haunted. "Because of us."

Shepard stiffened. The crew hadn't seemed to react to that. They hadn't even seemed to breathe. Had they known all along? she wondered.

"Ashley died because of Saren," Shepard said coldly. "And we will avenge her."

Kaidan looked at her for a long moment, then quietly said, "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

Shepard rubbed her eyes as she left the comm room

After discussing William's death, Shepard had turned the focus of the meeting quickly to the other matter at hand: Saren, apparently, was not the real threat. His strange ship, Sovereign, had actually spoken to her via some communications panel she'd found in Saren's base. The ship claimed to be a Reaper – and he – er, it – was planning on wiping out all life in the galaxy.

She frowned. As if a rogue Specter hadn't been bad enough. Now they were about to get wiped out by giant flying machine monsters.

She sighed. Why wasn't life ever easy? Then again, the not-easy stuff had sort of been her job description since she had lost the easy life as a child.

Shepard made her way past the many crew stations to the helm. As she passed, she noticed that people gave her varying versions of sympathitic looks. She ignored them, until she reached Joker.

"God, commander," he said without preamble, turning in his chair to look up at her. "How did you do that? How could you make that choice?"

"It wasn't easy," she said flatly. She was getting tired of saying it. It really should go without saying.

"I can't even imagine," Joker shook his head. "Alenko's like a brother to me. But Ash – I liked Ash. I just...how did you choose?"

"I chose what military protocol would call for," she said.

Joker stared at her hard. "Damn, commander, when I met you, I thought you were cold as ice. I'm seeing I was right."

"And," she added, "I couldn't leave Kaidan – Alenko. I'm glad I didn't have to, but..." She shrugged. "There you go."

"Yeah," Joker said, looking up at her. "I can see that."

"I need to check on everyone," she told Joker. "Any word from the Citadel?"

"Almost forgot – Udina's got us an interview with the Council and they've readied the fleet."

"Thank God," Shepard said, "That's the first bit of good news I've heard all day."

"Uh, commander?"

"What is it?" she paused as she turned to go.

"Go check on Alenko. If I know him, he's gonna feel like shit about this."

"I will," she nodded. "Thanks Joker. You're a good friend, you know that?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't spread it around."


	32. A Toast for Ashley

_Chapter 32_

_(in which there is a toast for Ashley)_

Shepard first checked in on the salarians, then the gear, then the squard, and then Liara, before she told herself that she really ought to talk to Kaidan. She found him sitting alone in the mess, staring into a coffee cup that had probably been empty for over an hour. As she approached the table, she found she had no idea what to say.

"Commander," he said, stiffly. She sat down across from him.

"Ah, look," she began, not able to meet his eyes, "About Williams."

"I was out of line," he said. "I shouldn't have brought it up like that – forced you to say what you did in the comm room. Adrenaline, you know. I just..." he sighed. "I woke up and Chakwas told me I needed to rest. She threatened to sedate me. But I just had to come and make sure you were alright. And I had to know why..."

He broke off, and Shepard didn't have the heart to answer his unasked question.

"You saved me because of rank, right?" he asked. "I was on your squad; you needed to protect the bomb."

"You know why else," she murmured, looking up at him at last. Their eyes met, and she saw sorrow in his expression. It mirrored her feelings exactly.

"Shepard," he said, squeezing his eyes shut. "I can't...God, if you saved me because of that, then I'll never forgive myself for having gotten so familiar with you. I never should have put you in a situation where your feelings overruled your judgment."

"Kaidan," she said, a little more sharply than she meant to, "have you _ever_ known me to make a decision where my feelings overruled my judgment? Have _you_ ever done that?"

"No, but..."

"You know that Liara was right: there is no right choice here. And even if there was, I think I made it. I know it was the right thing to do to choose you."

"I'm not so sure..."

"But," she added, her voice low, "I was damn glad that I could justify doing what I already wanted to do."

"You wanted to save me?"

"More than anything in the world."

Kaidan swallowed and looked away. "I've never lost someone under my command," he murmured.

"Lucky you."

"You have? Oh, of course – Jenkins."

"Jenkins," she nodded. "And Spencer. Takamura, Chang, Smithson and Lopez. Pope and Chan and Koller and Mikailev. And Iverson." She sighed. "It never gets easier."

"Were those...people from the Blitz?"

"Iverson was from a pirate raid," she told him. "Chan and Koller, merc fire. Mikailev, a wound that got bad. The rest – yeah, they were friends from the Blitz. I lost five people that night – made my first in-action kill. The first and the second and the sixty-seventh." She shook her head.

"Hell of a way to start a career," Kaidan observed.

"Yeah. And it doesn't get any easier. But somehow, loosing Williams." She crossed her arms on the table before her. "It's like loosing my sisters to Mindoir all over again."

"How did you deal with that?" he murmured. "I've lost people, but not as many as you."

"I never gets easier," Shepard frowned, but her voice was thoughtful. "I guess it sounds cold, but – I just...walked on. I promised to make it count." She laughed bitterly, "Whatever _it_ is, anyway."

She unfolded her arms and looked at her outstretched hands. Kaidan looked at her hands, too, then took one of them in his own. His hands were warm and calloused, and Shepard let her fingers close around his.

"I feel terrible," Kaidan said, staring at their fingers. "I'm so grateful you saved me, but I can't help feeling it's my fault. And then I just get so angry at Saren, I..." He broke off as a flicker of blue biotic energy slipped along his outstretched arm.

"But most of all," he continued softly, "I just keep thinking that I would do anything - _anything _- to keep you safe."

"I wanted to keep you safe, too," she replied.

"But our work isn't safe."

"No," she shook her head. "We do the unsafe so the rest of the galaxy can have the safe."

"I know that, I do," he looked down at their intertwined fingers again. "I know you didn't save me because of our...because of us..."

"I didn't," she confessed. "And yet...I did."

"I get you," he said. "I know what you're trying to say. You had to choose and the choice you wanted to make was the choice you had to make."

"Exactly," she said, glad he'd found the words she'd been looking for ever since it had happened.

"But Shepard," he went on, staring at their hands, "The thing that really has me worried... After all that happened – all I can think is...I don't want to loose you, too."

"You mean when we go to fight Saren?"

"No, well, that too. But I don't want you to... Look, I know what death can do to people. Having a death in the family - it can tear people apart. All that sorrow and guilt..."

"You mean that because we couldn't save Ashley that we might drift apart?"

Kaidan gripped her hand tightly, as if to keep them from doing that by his mere touch. "Yes, exactly. You were so cold, today. I know you did it because you needed to get through it all, but please...We lost Ash. Please don't make me loose you, too. Don't pull away from me, Shepard."

Shepard met his gaze. "I don't think I could even if I should, Kaidan. Not now."

He smiled sadly. "You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that."

"I can guess," she returned the sad smile. "I don't think Ash would approve anyhow – us drifting apart because of her."

"Because of Saren," Kaidan corrected her.

"That would especially have pissed her off," Shepard agreed with a slight laugh. "I can just see her yelling at us for that one."

"Yeah," Kaidan laughed, too, then squeezed Shepard's hand. "Thank you, commander."

"What for?"

"For saving my life. For absolving my guilt – a little. For being here. Take your pick."

"Well," she said, sure that she was probably blushing, "You're welcome." She looked around the mess. "God, I wish I had a beer."

"Need a drink commander?"

"No," Shepard replied, "just something to toast Ashley with. Let's see: to Ashley," She raised her hand with nothing in it but Kaidan's hand. "The craziest, mouthiest, best friend anyone could have. May she be at peace, wherever she is. And may there be many angelic asses for her to check out as much as she pleases."

"Hear, hear," Kaidan laughed.


	33. Lockdown

_Chapter 33_

_(in which the Normandy is locked down and something nearly happens by the lockers)_

"How long are we going to have to wait?" Garrus asked for what felt like the twentieth time.

"I don't know," Shepard said, leaning back against the bench in frustration.

"You know," Kaidan said, "I used to think that fountain was soothing. Right now, it's setting my teeth on edge."

"How long does it take for the Council to see our evidence and then realize we have a problem here?" Garrus wanted to know. "I recorded Sovereign's message on my omnitool..."

"As did I," Kaidan added. "As did Shepard – they were all turned on and recording."

"So we have the data of three 'tools," Garrus said, ticking off the points on his talons, "We have three eyewitnesses who heard it – us three – plus we have corroborating evidence from the salarian recon team that the Council sent themselves. We have the location for a new relay that Saren's going to use to find the Conduit...weapon...whatever... and we're sitting out here while they debate policy?" His mandibles flared. "This is why I left this station in the first place."

"We've got to give them a little time to get up to speed," Shepard said wearily. "This is a lot to wrap the mind around, you have to admit. But I think this time, they'll come around in the end."

"Whatever you say, Shepard," Garrus said doubtfully.

* * *

"Well, shit," Shepard said, stomping away. "They didn't come 'round after all."

"Commander, are you going to be okay?" Kaidan asked, his forehead furrowing in concern.

"I'm not going to take out a wall, if that's what you're asking," she said, though blue biotic energy crackled around her fingers.

"I was more hoping you'd take out a Councilor," Garrus muttered.

"I think that one is pretty clearly against my mandate as a Specter," Shepard said ruefully. "Even in the interest of maintaining galactic stability, I think the rules are clear that you don't kill the boss."

"Just one of them?" Garrus asked hopefully.

Shepard smiled in spite of herself and shook her head. "Nope, not even the turian. Don't worry though," she added. "Let's get back to the Normandy and I'll think of something."

"Got a plan, commander?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm working on it," she said. "I've learned a thing or two about insubordination from my lieutenant over the last few months. I'm sure I can come up with something to complicate the chain of command."

* * *

_I'm here for you if you need me, commander._

Kaidan winced. After all this time, you'd think that he would have something new to say when Shepard as looking like she was ready to take out a wall. Instead, when he'd found her alone by her locker - looking like she was about to rip the thing off of the wall for not opening fast enough - he'd opened his mouth and the same thing as always spilled out. Not that he didn't mean it...

_Got a something up your sleeve, commander? What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo – appreciate about you, ma'am._

Damn it. Had he really said _that_? Thank God no one had been standing nearby. He'd nearly told Shepard that he loved her. As far as he had thought about his relationship with Shepard, he hadn't gotten to the love part. He wasn't even sure he could call her more than a friend right about now. But his heart and his mouth seemed to have made a deal without consulting his brain and the word nearly tumbled out.

Shepard hadn't missed it. She'd teased him in that way she had, that way that made everything seem comfortable and easy. And then he'd had no choice but to...

But to try and kiss her.

Kaidan holstered his pistol, his head still reeling. He still couldn't believe he'd done that.

No, check that, he could believe it. He'd been thinking about how – and when – and where – he would kiss her when he finally got the chance. As for the where, he'd allowed himself to get pretty creative about both locations on the ship and locations on her body. Truth be told, he'd been awfully restless the last few nights.

He'd gotten so close to kissing her, too, before Joker – damn the guy – had interrupted them. For one brief moment, Shepard was in his arms, smiling, and he'd forgotten everything else. He'd forgotten he'd come down to keep her from tearing the ship apart with her biotics, since she'd seemed pissed off enough to do so after the Council and Udina had grounded the Normandy. He knew she was seething, not only over the politicians' idiotic move, but over the fact that it proved that no one seemed to believe her in spite of everything she'd said and done to prove her case against Saren.

He believed her – hell, he'd talked to Sovereign, too. The whole situation was terrifying, quite frankly. The fact that no one believed it made it doubly so. And so Kaidan wanted to make sure that Shepard knew that he had her back – always had her back – even if he couldn't say so in an eloquent way.

Only it hadn't been her back he'd been concerned with a minute ago. It had been her lips, and arms, and...well, everything he could get his hands on for a moment there. Damn Joker for being so efficient and giving them that message right away.

Kaidan almost thought that Joker might have done it on purpose, only, there was really no way the helmsman could have. But then, Joker had given Kaidan a strange look just now as Kaidan went out the airlock to follow Shepard to her meeting with Captain Anderson. Sometimes Kaidan had to wonder how much Joker saw on the ship after all.

* * *

Joker looked guiltily at the camera switch. Part of him felt a little bad for interrupting Alenko and Shepard, but when he'd fired up the crew deck camera to see if Shepard was on board, he'd been shocked to find that she was standing right under said camera – with Alenko. And the two of them looked like they were about to engage in some very serious business right there against the lockers.

He'd panicked and given them his message, then switched the camera off. Then he'd kicked himself for not recording the whole thing on video. That would have been...

Bad. He told himself. That would have been bad.

Alenko was his buddy for a start – he really didn't want to see anything there. He liked the guy, but he didn't want to see the man getting lucky. As for Shepard, well, he probably shouldn't even let his mind go there. She was likely to read his mind – and then remove his head from his shoulders.

Joker was just glad that there were only a few cameras on the ship: CIC, command deck, cargo hold, and engineering. Because given the way those two were looking at each other just then, if there were cameras everywhere, then sooner or later, someone was going to get a show.


	34. Empty Hands

_Chapter 34_

_(in which the course is set to Ilos)_

"Get us out of here, Joker," Shepard told the helmsman. Joker smiled as he began to tap at the computer before him, urging the Normandy out of the docking bay , through the maze of ships around the ward arms, and out into the Widow Nebula. Shepard didn't leave his side until she had seen that they had left the Citadel behind.

"Take us to the Mu relay," she told him. "You've got the coordinates to Ilos uploaded?"

"Got 'em and setting 'em," Joker replied. "We'll be there in twelve hours."

"Twelve hours," Shepard frowned. "That seems far too long."

"Long enough for you to get some rest," Joker told her. "You're gonna be fighting non-stop on the other end, I bet."

"Let's hope not," she said. When Joker just cast her a look, she shrugged. "Okay, you're probably right. I'll go sleep. Or try to." She wandered away looking edgy and tired.

* * *

Shepard hadn't been gone for more than a minute when Kaidan walked up to the helm.

"Alenko!" Joker said, looking at him in surprise. "What are you doing all the way up here? I would have thought you were getting some rest before the storm. Or is the commander not bringing you on the squad this time? I heard you got wounded back on..."

Joker didn't finish. He meant back on Virmire, but couldn't bring himself to say the name of the place where Chief Williams had died. He didn't have to though, Kaidan knew at once what he meant.

"I'm fine," he said. "Besides, there's no way I'm going to let Shepard leave me behind on this one."

"Really?" Joker asked, looking at him askance. "And just what would you do if she told you that you couldn't come to the secret alien base and fight the rogue agent and his army of geth troopers?"

"I'd suit up and come anyway," Kaidan shrugged. "Speaking of which...ah...did you see the commander?"

"She was just here," Joker told him. "Didn't you see her?"

"No."

"Then you must have missed her coming up the stairs. She was on her way to her room, I think."

"Oh," Kaidan said, frowning back over his shoulder at where the dual staircases led back down to the crew deck. He was silent a moment, then said, "Okay, well, take it easy, Joker."

"Yeah," Joker waited until the lieutenant had gone out of earshot to mutter: "Have a good night. Find somewhere _away_ from the deck cameras, you horny - lucky - bastard."

* * *

Shepard frowned at the empty systems electrical station, then turned and frowned at the empty mess hall.

Kaidan wasn't here.

How was that possible? He was _always_ down here.

Maybe he'd gone to bed early, she thought. It made sense, though the thought depressed her. There were several crew in the sleeper pod. She could see the beds from here, but she didn't much feel like walking along the row, peeking over the lids until she found him. Then what would she do? Bang on the lid like an idiot? _Please Kaidan, get up so I can talk to you and not think about the nightmares I'm going to have in my sleep all the way to Ilos._

Her sleep had been restless again since Virmire. The act of melding minds with the second Prothean beacon, then with Liara afterwards, had left her feeling raw as an open wound. Her sleep ever since was filled with visions from other lives and from her own memory.

She didn't know which were worse.

That was the funny thing about dreams. They could tear right through to your fear, in spite of all the guards of logic and courage you put up in waking life. She had no desire to spend the night with such thoughts.

Kaidan had always had a way of soothing her. His biotics, for a start, were like warm earth, solid and sure, and he always had a way of making her feel like she wasn't...alone.

Well, hell. She frowned. She was alone right now.

If Kaidan was already in bed, then she really didn't feel like talking to anyone else. Well then, she had a novel on her datapad. She hadn't gotten much reading in on this mission. The thought made her chuckle. Might as well get back to Dostoevsky now. That ought to make her sleep. With a sigh, Shepard walked into her room and let the door slide shut behind her.

* * *

Kaidan froze at the foot of the stairs. He had come around the corner just in time to see Shepard walk into her room.

He suddenly felt his stomach churn. He hadn't realized he was this nervous, but then, he hadn't realized until he'd come around the corner and seen her walk into her room what he intended to do.

He had been wanting this for weeks – no, months now. He had been wanting _her_. But he had pushed all those thoughts aside over and over, shutting them away where he didn't have to deal with the fact that he cared for her, that he wanted her, and just couldn't – shouldn't – have her.

He could still come up with a lot of reasons why he shouldn't do this. It might change things for a start, upset the balance of power and camaraderie on the ship, it was against regs, as well, though that one was much further down his list of "Why Getting Physical with Shepard is a Really Bad Idea."

Mostly, what had him hesitating was the wonder of what this would do for his relationship with Shepard. He cared about her. No, it had gone beyond that, though he didn't want to analyze how far gone he was just now. He only knew that the thought of loosing her made him feel like he was going to go crazy. Even as he admired her for everything she'd done and everything she was, part of him just wanted to make her stay somewhere safe while he and the rest of the crew took on Saren.

Kaidan's lips quirked at that. As if Shepard would ever agree to sit quietly on the sidelines while someone else fought her battles.

So now, as he stared at her her door, he found himself once again thinking of her with admiration, warmth, and just pure...lust, all at once. He seemed to be going back between those extremes with Shepard ever since he'd first met her. But things had changed over the past few months – or rather, they had just grown more intense. Now they were walking into a situation that might very well end their lives. Loosing Ashley on Virmire had made Kaidan realize how easily it might have been him – or Shepard – or all of them – dying down there in that blast. He wasn't one to throw caution to the winds, but when it came to Shepard, Kaidan had come to see that taking a risk on her something he was dead certain of.

He looked down at his hands. They were sweaty – and empty. Damn. He realized that he didn't have a single thing to bring to her.

_Hell, Alenko. What would you have brought, anyhow?_

What would he have brought? He frowned. Flowers? Wine? God, he didn't even know if she liked those things. Not that he had anything with him anyway. He'd been living like a warrior monk these past few years, with nothing to call his own but the clothes on his back and the gun at his hip. Then again, he'd been living like a monk in more ways than that. That had to be why he was so nervous.

Kaidan shook his head. He had savings in an account somewhere. He just wished he'd had the foresight to get her...something. Though he wasn't sure if a gift would offend Shepard for thinking she was sure thing, or amuse her. He found himself wishing that he had more time, at the very least. Hell, they hadn't even been on a real date before. And yet, here he was, about to walk into her quarters and see if she wanted to...

God, he really was going to do this, wasn't he?

Kaidan couldn't quite believe it, but he was. He had never felt more sure of anyone – of any feeling – in his life. He looked down at his empty hands, then let them fall to his sides. All he had to take to her was himself. He just hoped it was enough.

Straightening his shoulders, Kaidan walked purposefully towards Shepard's door.


	35. Human

_Chapter 35_

_

* * *

_

_**Note**: A few changes were made to this chapter from the original, but the essence is the same. Writing about a character's intimate history is always a little strange. It's like telling the world your best friend's most closely guarded secrets. While I hesitated at first to let this chapter play out this way, in the end, I felt I had to just let Kyrie be Kyrie, faults, surprises, and all. So here it is. It just goes to show that you never can tell with those ice-princess types._

_

* * *

_

"Commander?"

Shepard looked up from the datapad. It had been on the same page for five minutes now – the first page, she saw – but she hadn't read a word of it. She stood just as the doors closed behind Kaidan. In the low light, she could see his profile outlined in blue.

She guessed at once why he was here. On the night before battle – possibly their last battle – she could only imagine one thing that had driven him to seek her out. The thought made her heart start pounding.

_Protocol be damned_, she thought, making up her mind right then and there. There was no way she was going to let the man leave tonight.

"You still calling me 'commander'?" she asked, trying to keep her decision out of her face, just in case she'd misread his intentions. "Last I checked, we both turned mutineers."

"Yeah," he chuckled, his voice seeming to reach through the darkness to caress her. "Hell of a thing when we have to break regs to keep them."

"I keep telling myself this is the right thing..."

"It is," he assured her. "In all the time we've been together, I think you've always done the right thing. And I don't think that about anyone."

"Well, thanks," she sighed. "Let's hope what we're doing now turns out to be right, too."

"Yeah, what we're doing." Kaidan paused, then took a step closer, then another, until he was standing right in front of her. "Look, commander – Shepard."

Shepard felt her blood heating as she stared into his eyes. His eyes seemed so intense, so utterly convicted.

"If something happens to you – to me – well, I want you to know, it's been an honor serving under you, ma'am."

"_Serving_ under me?" she asked, her mind taking the phrase and running with it – probably in the completely opposite direction that it had been intended. "As in...?" she grinned wickedly. "I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of having you _serve_ under me, Kaidan."

"What?" he blinked. "No. I mean..."

Shepard chuckled, startling him. "Oh, God, to see your face, Alenko. I...ah..." She coughed. "That was wrong of me." When he suddenly looked worried, she laid a hand on his arm. "Look, Kaidan, I... Hey, we're more than officers. More than...a lot of things. At least – tonight..." She trailed off and looked at him meaningfully.

Kaidan felt as though his heart was pounding right in his ears. Had he just heard her right? Because if he'd come here thinking that he was going to see if she was open to...well, _something_, he had just been handed his invitation.

"You're right," he said, unsure of how he had managed to speak, but finding that he was speaking all the same. "Protocol is kind of a moot point right now – not that I've been feeling like following it much anyway," he added, making her smile.

"But yeah," his voice grew steadier as he spoke, "This – this may be our last chance. It seems like everything in the galaxy keeps going on – the same old mess as before. Even the Reapers will come around again, but we...are important right now. This is what will never happen again...us." He took a breath and looked into her eyes. "Shepard, you make me feel...human."

He stopped then, unsure of what else to say. He'd made his case. He waited for her reply.

"Kaidan," she said, her face serious but her tone teasing, "I think I can make you feel a lot more than human. Just – take off your shirt for a start..."

He coughed, feeling his temperature rising even more. Without his intending to, his arms were starting to shimmer with biotic energy.

"Is that an order?" he asked, trying to keep his tone light.

"Of course not, Kaidan," Shepard frowned. "If I had been looking for a pet, I would have gone and found one. I want a...friend, Kaidan."

"A friend?" he frowned.

"More than a friend," she said softly. "I want...you."

Kaidan took a breath, fighting to keep his wits about him just a little longer. The thought went through his mind that tonight would be about more than just easing tension before a fight or making some desperate attempt to hold off loneliness on the eve of battle. It was as if he could feel his heart in his hands and he knew he was about to hand it over to the woman before him.

"I'm glad it's me, Shepard," he said. "I am. I just..." he hesitated, imagining his fingers clenching around that heart of his. "This can't change anything. You know that. This is a fine crew," he added, seeing hurt flicker in her eyes. "I don't want to mess that up."

"We're about to go fight a rogue Specter agent who is leading an army of synthetics, following the orders of an ancient god-ship bent on wiping out all life in the galaxy and you're worried about below-decks gossip?" Shepard blinked.

Kaidan looked at her, then began to laugh. "When you put it that way..."

"Kaidan," Shepard said, stepping closer to him so that their bodies touched. "I know you. I know you'll always try and do the right thing. It's why I fell...It's why I care about you so much. This may change things – but things are always changing." She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "Whatever happens, I know we'll both try to get this right."

Kaidan gazed at her, not trusting himself to speak. She suddenly smiled. "You know what? On second thought, that _was_ an order. And I think I'm going to enjoy ordering you around all night long."

Kaidan laughed, surprised to find warm anticipation replacing his worry. "Careful now, commander," he teased. "I might think you were taking advantage of your rank. That's a serious breech of protocol."

"How seriously do you think we can breach protocol before we get to Ilos?" Shepard asked with a wicked grin. "Two times? Three?"

Kaidan returned the grin. "At the very least, commander."

She winked at him, then before he could react, she grabbed him and kissed him.

The touch of her lips seemed to send electricity to every nerve in his body. He felt, rather than saw, his body flare with biotic fire. Shepard's energy, so intoxicating from a distance, now pulsed all around him. It was like running through a storm: heady and cool, dangerous and delicious all at once. He yanked her close to him and kissed her back for all he was worth.

Shepard's eyes slid shut as she locked lips, tongues, bodies with Kaidan. His energy surrounded her, so warm and strong she felt she was falling headlong into it – into him. Between the two of them, they were glowing, blue-and-white energy rippling over their bodies like rainfall. It would be a wonder if they didn't tear the ship apart with all this energy, she thought. It was a wonder they didn't tear each other apart. But, Shepard realized, Kaidan's strength and control was keeping him from getting hurt – or from hurting her. She'd always had to hold back before, always had to reserve her strength – both biotic and physical. But with Kaidan, there was no need to worry. He could handle the fire of her powers, the fire of her desires. There was no reason to hold back. She could finally let herself go. And here she had wondered if their biotic frequencies would make this difficult. Instead, everything about this – was _right_.

The implications of it all crashed down on her, making it suddenly hard to breathe.

She was falling for him - and there was absolutely nothing to break that fall.

* * *

It was everything Kaidan could do to keep himself from using his biotics to rush them both headlong into the wall. The world was all electric all around him as he slid his hands up her back. He was dimly aware that her hand rested on his belt, and he was waiting, silently pleading for her to go on. His head was reeling as he reached for her shirt and began to peel it over her head. Her shirt hit the floor. Kaidan ran a hand over her warm shoulder. She was hot to the touch, feverish, even, and he knew his skin must be the same temperature. His fingers trailed down her shoulder blades to the back of her bra. He was about to tug it off, too, when he realized Shepard had stopped. She stood frozen in his arms, the fires around her fading.

Kaidan stopped instantly, thinking he'd scared her. He knew he was barely in control here, only just keeping himself from throwing the furniture with displaced power. He didn't think he'd hurt her, but then, he'd never allowed himself to be this raw with anyone. He had thought Shepard's biotics were matching the intensity of his, but maybe the mere heat of him was burning her. He looked down into her face, worried.

"Is something wrong?" he rasped.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "No, I'm fine. I..." She broke off and looked up at him, her eyes appearing...uncertain. Kaidan felt his heart sinking down to his stomach, heading in the direction of his shoes. Damn, if she didn't want this...didn't want him...

"I just didn't want to hurt you," she said after a moment. "My biotics, that is. They're...strong. I've never been able to..." She looked away. Kaidan felt like he could breathe again, like his heart had stopped its path down to his feet. Hell, if _that_ was what she was worried about...

"You're not hurting me," he told her. "Truly. In fact," he sucked in a breath. "I've never been able to let my biotics...into play before, either. But with you, Shepard... God, your energy feels...good."

It felt more than good, he thought. It felt incredible. But rather than tell her just how much it turned him on, made him completely crazy, he tried to catch her eye and assure her with a smile. She wouldn't look at him. Kaidan began to feel worried once again. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, concerned.

"No," she said immediately.

"Okay," he said. "Good." When she said nothing more, Kaidan frowned. "Shepard, what's wrong?" When she didn't say anything, he began to feel his heart sinking again. "Look, Shepard, I'm sorry if I'm...not doing this right for you. I'm a little rusty – hell, it's been a while..." _A __long__ while_. _Not like I've had a lot of practice to begin with_. "If you want me to take things a little slower..."

"It's not that," she said, raising her eyes to his. Her smile, weak though it was, reassured him more than her words. He smiled back, so overwhelmed with relief that he almost didn't catch her next words, words that she said more to herself than to him: "It's just that I've never done this before..."

"I've never broken regs either," he said, laughing a little, "but if there was ever anyone worth risking a court martial over..."

Suddenly, he registered what she said - what she _meant_. His realization was confirmed by the sudden blush that rushed up her cheeks. He wouldn't have believed that Shepard was capable of blushing if he hadn't seen it.

"Wait, you..." he broke off, then blinked. "You're a _virgin_?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she snapped, defensively.

"Not bad," he said quickly. "Just...unexpected." He stared at her a moment longer. "Seriously, Shepard?"

She shifted on the balls of her feet, but continued to meet his eyes. "Technically, yes."

"Just how technically are we talking here?" he wanted to know.

"Just..." Her blush deepened and she glanced away for a moment, "Technically." She looked back at him, her eyes so wide and vulnerable that Kaidan could scarcely believe it.

This was the same woman who had saved him just a few days ago, he thought. She had lifted him like a rag doll with both muscle and biotics. This was the woman called "Valkyrie," who terrified enemies and NCOs alike. And yet that same woman was here with him, admitting that she was inexperienced and...nervous?

"How..." Kaidan shook his head. "How is it even possible that no guy ever made that technically an...actually?"

"Wasn't for lack of trying," she muttered. Kaidan found himself scowling at that answer. Shepard glanced away, then then took a breath and blew her hair out of her face. "Alright, you want to know? Here's the short version: I was from a conservative family. Good people, but sort of Puritans. Then there was the attack and I was placed under therapy for a few years – about the same time I got labeled a biotic. The foster parents kept a close eye on me. But then when I joined the Alliance..." She broke off and looked away, like she couldn't meet his eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked, wondering where this was going.

"Well, I was a little...wild for a while there. No parents watching over me; all those guys from Basic. You know how it is. I partied a lot..."

Kaidan thought of some of the guys he knew from Basic. The idea of a lonely, confused kid thrown in among those wolves made him suddenly feel very angry.

"My biotic powers were really kicking in strong and I had no idea how to control them. Didn't take long for that to get around. Even sleazebags get gun-shy if they think their...manhood might get shredded in the heat of the moment." She shrugged. "In the end, I think it was for the best."

"But...on Elysium," Kaidan said slowly, trying to wrap his mind around this, "You...had a... there was a guy... I assumed... That you and he... " He realized that he was not finishing any of the statements that he had started.

"No," Shepard said. "We were trying to work things out. He wanted to...be closer, but my biotics kept...ah..." She frowned and went on. "And then the Blitz happened and that all got shot to hell. God, I can't believe I mentioned him. I must have been really drunk that night."

"So you never..."

"Not...quite. And then came the whole 'war hero' thing to start with and the nasty press that came after. It really intimidated people – men. I got this reputation as a ice maiden."

"Maiden?" he repeated.

"I know, right?" she gave a small, self-depreciating laugh. "If they'd only known. So, I put the wild days and the boyfriend behind me and I've focused on the job ever since."

"But," Kaidan said, staring at her, "You're so..." He trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence.

"So what?" she asked, her voice sharp. "You don't have to get laid to get the job done. Or kill pirate scum. Or lead a crew."

"No," he said hastily. "That's not what I meant. I just...had no idea. I would never have guessed..."

"Yeah, well," she shrugged. "I don't really advertise the fact. I guess the truth of the matter is, I kept a little of my upbringing in me after all. Deep down, I think I never tried very hard to make things work because I didn't want to casually... Even when I was at my most messed up..." She sighed.

"I wanted it to mean something." She looked up at him, her eyes reflecting the cabin's low lights like bright stars. "It means something to me now, Kaidan."

He stared at her, completely at a loss for what to say.

"Alright," Shepard said, lifting her chin in a way that struck him as both businesslike and defensive at the same time. "There's your answer." Kaidan said nothing, just continued to stare at her. She shifted from one foot to the other nervously.

"Come on, don't let this change anything. Kaidan. Don't worry. You aren't going to break me."

"Says the woman who punched Saren Arturius in the head," he managed at last. "You're more likely to break me."

"Oh, God, I hope not," she said, looking a little worried. "But if I do, I'll plead temporary insanity. Or passion. One of the two." She laughed a little and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I want this, Kaidan. And given our...kissing, I think the biotics will take care of itself. Just...you know. Give me some time to follow your lead."

"My God," Kaidan whispered.

"Damn it," she said, her brows drawing together. "I shouldn't have said..."

"No," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. "It's not that. This just makes me realize..."

_This makes me realize you care for me more than I dared to hope you did. _

_This makes me realize that I'm a luckier man than I knew_.

_This makes me realize that if we do this, then I'm well and truly handing my heart over to you tonight._

"Realize what? That you're keeping me waiting for my first time?" She raised an eyebrow, looking unaccountably shy. Shepard never looked shy. Kaidan stopped hesitating.

"Well, we can't have that, commander," he murmured, leaning in to kiss her.

"I'm waiting, lieutenant," she whispered against his mouth. "I may not have done this before, but I have a pretty good idea of where to start."


	36. A Woman Who

_Chapter 36_

_(in which there is pillow talk)_

Later, Kaidan lay beside Shepard, his arms behind his head. She slept so peacefully. He could only wish that she would always sleep this way – gently, happily. He wasn't someone given to pride, but he had to admit he felt damn proud of the fact that he had made her...happy.

Kaidan closed his eyes. This time a year ago if someone had told him he'd be lying in bed next to the more gorgeous woman in the galaxy, he'd have laughed at them. He'd have been flattered by their optimism, but laughed all the same. And yet, here she was. It really made all those years of celibacy worth it, he thought, to get finally enjoy such a great woman.

And Shepard was a great woman. She'd been unafraid of his biotics – hell, their biotic energy was one of the things that had made this night incredible.

And he'd been her first. His head was still reeling about that one. It was hard for him to picture how anyone could see her and stay away from her - especially once that icy exterior of hers melted away. Clearly every guy in the Alliance – no, the galaxy, really – was a complete idiot. And out of everyone, she had trusted him - _him_. It made him realize that he trusted her, too, with, well, everything. He had no idea what the next few days would bring, but he knew he'd be with her until the end.

A sound from her made him open his eyes and turn his head. He rolled over and pressed his lips to the base of her neck. She sighed and arched her back against his chest. He wrapped an arm over her and pulled her close.

"Are you asleep?" he murmured.

"Not now," came the soft reply. "Why? You want to go again?"

His heart beat a little faster even as he laughed. "Shepard, I'm only human."

"Could have fooled me," she said, rolling over to look at him. In the low lights, his eyes seemed almost to glow from within. "Biotic stamina, huh? I should have made Joker take the long way around to Ilos."

"How long until we get there?" he asked.

She looked at the clock on the wall and frowned. "Four hours."

"Did you get enough sleep?" he asked her.

"Did you really intend for me to get sleep when you showed up here?" She leaned up on her elbow and leveled an accusing glance at him.

"Ah, no, not really," he confessed.

"I took a nap," she yawned. "So for a night of not sleeping much, this was the best one I've ever had."

"Me too," he confessed. "So, ah, were you...wanting to...?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. "Did you have a request, lieutenant?"

"Well ma'am, we've got a few more hours until we reach Ilos."

"So we do. Did you have something in mind?"

"A couple of things, yeah," he said finding he'd begun to grin.

"Only if you're up to it, lieutenant," she told him.

"I'm...getting there, commander."

She smiled at him slowly, then became a blur of blue-white light as she flipped over and pinned him to the bed.

* * *

"Can we just stop time here?" Kaidan murmured. Shepard turned to look at him. She was completely naked, her slim, toned body outlined in the soft blue lights of the room. He could almost feel his heart aching for her to come back to bed with him.

"If we could freeze everything and keep Saren from ever carrying out whatever plan he has to end the galaxy? Yeah, I could live with that." She smiled sadly. "But on second thought, if we stop time with me naked, I might get a little chilly."

"I'll be warm enough," Kaidan said, allowing a flicker of blue to trace the outline of his jaw. "God, I don't think I'll ever get enough of this."

"Yeah," she said softly, looking away.

"Hey, wait," he said, noticing the change in her demeanor right away. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, grabbed a pair of undershorts from the closet and pulled them on. "It's nothing."

"Bullshit," he said, surprising her. "Come on, Shepard. I can feel you pulling away. What is it?"

"I just..." She jabbed a hand through her hair and yanked on her bra. "I've waited so long to find someone like you. It just seems...wrong, somehow, to do it like this."

"To do what? Are you regretting...?" He couldn't bring himself to say it. He sincerely hoped that she hadn't regretted this. He knew that if he had any sense of decorum or protocol, he would. It clearly went to show that he had neither, because he didn't regret a moment of it.

"No," she said, pulling on a her shirt. "Well, yes, but not you. I regret..." She shrugged her shoulders. "It seems I've spent a lot of my life trying to put up walls. Walls would have protected Mindoir. Walls would have protected Elysium. But it turns out walls didn't protect me. They just left me distanced from people who might have been friends – from myself, even. Kaidan, you taught me how to be human, and I just wish I'd learned the lesson sooner. But, then again, if I'm going to learn at all, I'm glad it's from you."

"Not like I'm all that great a teacher anyhow," he muttered, feeling a little embarrassed by her confession. "You know, I have no idea what this is going to mean in the future..."

"Let's not...talk about the future," Shepard said, nervously. "Not until we live to see it."

"Fair enough," Kaidan said.

Shepard turned with a frown, pulling on her pants and socks, then began to lace up her boots. "I must confess," she said, "I wish we could just start the night over again."

"Me too," Kaidan agreed. "It's been a long time since I met a woman who..."

"Bridge to Commander Shepard." Joker's voice sounded over the comm, cutting off what Kaidan was about to say. "We'll be at Ilos in five minutes. This is your wake-up call."

Shepard frowned at the ceiling, then looked down at Kaidan and smiled. "You're a sweetheart, Kaidan, you know that?"

"Sweetheart?" Kaidan chuckled. "What is this, Valentine's Day, Shepard?"

"Could be," she said airily. "Came early this year – or late. Whatever."

"So I'm your 'sweetheart' this year, commander?" he teased.

"Are you questioning my feelings for my lieutenant?" she asked him. "Because last I checked, he had some rather ill-advised feelings for me, too."

"Yeah, he did," Kaidan said, sheepishly. "God, he really does," he added, gazing at her. "Take care today, Shepard. I swear, if anything happens to you..."

"You're coming with me, aren't you?" Shepard frowned. "Your wound isn't going to stop you? I guess I should have asked, but I assumed..."

"I'm coming," he nodded. "Just let me get dressed. I'll be right behind you."

"Right behind me," she chuckled. "As always."

"As always," he repeated.


	37. Go

_Chapter 37_

_(in which the team reaches end game)_

"Go!" The command echoed through the air. Garrus and Kaidan turned as ran, as much from the sight of the hunk of metal on a collision course with the window as from Shepard's cry. Kaidan felt as though a wind made of steel knocked him flat, and the world went black.

* * *

Kaidan came to, unable to move, scarcely able to breathe.

_Shepard_.

"Shepard!" he called.

There was no answer.

Desperate, he reached out with his senses, trying desperately to feel the hum of her biotic amps, to touch that connection that they had shared from the moment he'd met her.

Nothing. The room was as cold as it was dark. He could feel something holding him down, but the cold dread of fear seemed heavier. She was gone, lost to the fight she'd valiantly seen to the end.

They had followed Saren to Ilos, followed Ilos back here to the Citadel. The Counduit, not a weapon after all, but a doorway, had led them right back to the beginning, and here they had made their stand against Saren and Sovereign both. He and Shepard and Garrus had defeated the rogue agent – or what was left of him, and Joker and the Normandy and all the ships of the Alliance fleet had shot down the Reaper.

The blast of that monster ship's explosion had showered the station in debris – and the worst of it had hit the Council chambers where they had been. Where Shepard had been.

Kaidan thought he was going to be sick.

"Sir!" Kaidan heard the voice as if from a long way off. "They're in here."

Kaidan didn't move. He was pinned for a start, he figured his arm was broken, but he didn't want to move. If she was gone, and looking up at the mess that used to be the Council chambers, he was sure she was gone – then he had no idea what he'd be moving on to. He couldn't seem to breathe – couldn't seem to think.

"Shepard," It was Captain Anderson, right in his face. The lights were so bright suddenly that he blinked. "Where is she?"

Kaidan shook his head just as much to hide his face from the flashlight beams as to indicate that he couldn't say it aloud. Behind him, he caught a glimpse of Garrus. The turian looked utterly defeated.

"She's gone, isn't she?" he murmured. "We've been pinned for so long..."

"Get them down to the medical clinic," Anderson was saying, helping Kaidan to his feet.

"The clinics are going to be overflowing, sir," a rescue worker told him. "If they survived the blast at all."

"Take them back to the Normandy, then," he said. "It will be back at the docking bay."

Kaidan felt himself being led away. It was easier to go numb like this, he thought, than to stop and consider what had happened, better to feel...

He jerked alert as he felt something else on the air. It was a strong, soothing current of energy, like a stream of electric fire. His ribs protested at the sudden movement, but he spun around at once.

"Shepard," he breathed.

There she was, stumbling over a piece of broken Reaper-claw, looking like she'd broken a cheekbone, several ribs, and blackened an eye.

She'd never looked more beautiful to him.

"Planning on letting me find my own way out of here?" she called. Two of the rescue workers ran to her at once, but she waved them off.

"Shepard," Anderson said, stepping in front of Kaidan and taking her hand. Kaidan had to admit he was a little annoyed to be cut off like this, but considering that he'd been about to run to her and kiss her right here in front of all these people, perhaps it was for the best.

"Captain," she said, nodding to him, wincing as he gripped her hand. "Thank you for the vote of confidence. I can safely assume that we won't be court-martialed."

"The Council will want to thank you the moment they return to the station." Shepard shook her head.

"Of course, they will," she said sarcastically. "I guess they'll have to believe me now." She waved at the Reaper-fragments littering the Council's hall. Shepard then turned and looked first at Garrus, then at Kaidan. A biotic flare flickered across her lips when she glanced at Kaidan, and he found himself doing his best to hide a grin.

"Alenko," she said, looking at him steadily.

"Ma'am," he nodded to her, giving her a look he hoped she would know was meant for her alone. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Me too," she told him. Her smile told him that she'd gotten the message. She recovered herself a moment later and asked, "Garrus, you alright?"

"I'll live," the turian told her.

"You always were a tough old bastard," she grinned at both her crew. "Let's get down to the Normandy, folks. I think we're going to need some serious patching up."

"Commander," Captain Anderson said. "You'll need to come with me."

"What?" Kaidan frowned, "Sir, she's wounded. With all due respect..."

Shepard had a momentary flashback to the last time she'd heard that phrase: Ashley Williams had said on Virmire:

_Why is it whenever someone says "With all due respect," they really just mean, "Kiss my ass."_

Shepard couldn't help it. She laughed.

"Commander," Anderson blinked at her. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she chuckled. "I just...grew a sense of humor over the course of the mission. It shouldn't be a problem, sir."

Anderson stared at her.

"Well, if you're done with the humor," he said, uncertainly, "It seems the Council needs you now. They want to speak with you."

Shepard sighed and nodded her head. "Alright. Meeting first, rest later. Gentlemen, I'll see you on board the ship. Oh, and see if you can't find any beer on your way back to the Normandy. I owe the crew a drink."

"Beer, commander?" Anderson frowned.

"It was a promise," she shrugged. "No, strike that, it's a Specter-classified thing. Blame the council. All that power really went to my head."

Anderson looked at her blankly. Shepard just smiled at him. "Lead on, Captain. Let's go talk to the Council."


	38. The Last Word

_Chapter 38_

_(in which the hero gets the last word)_

Shepard strode away from the make-shift Council meeting, limping slightly as she went. Well, that had gone well. Seemed like the Council was finally listening to her – for a change. Considering her job was far from over yet, it was good to have them on her side.

Yes, she thought, she had a lot of work ahead of her. But thankfully, she had convinced Anderson to allow her to give the crew two weeks of shore leave before they set out on their next assignment. She was really looking forward to the shore leave.

She thought her smile couldn't get any wider, but it did when Kaidan suddenly appeared before her. He was at the end of the bridge, a look of pure longing on his face. The only thing that kept her from running to him was the thought that someone might be watching. Well, that and the cracked ribs. She got a step away from him when his smile faced.

"Damn it, Shepard," he snapped. "Don't ever do that again."

"Do what?" she asked him, cocking her head. "Save the galaxy? Save the Council? Use up all of our grenades?"

Kaidan's eyes grew stormy. "Don't put yourself at such a risk. Don't get so far away from me that I can't be beside you when the blast goes off."

"Kaidan," she told him, "that sounds suspiciously like an order."

"Yeah, well my commanding officer has complained about my insubordination more than a few times, but she never did anything about it."

Shepard's lips quirked. "What was she thinking? She _really_ ought to take you to task for that."

"Yeah, she should," he said, pulling her into his arms, then easing his hold when she winced. "Are you hurt?"

"Somewhat."

"Damn it, Shepard. You have got to take better care of yourself."

"You're not looking much like you've been taking care of yourself either, Kaidan."

It was true. His face was blackened with soot and the way he was hanging his arm made her suspect it was broken. "Why aren't you in the med bay?"

"I waited to make sure that you came there with me," he told her. Then a thought crossed his mind and he chuckled and blushed at the same time.

"What?" Shepard asked, looking at him in curiousity.

"Nothing," he said quickly. When she narrowed her eyes at him, he said, "Really, it's terrible."

"Tell me," she said. She wrapped her arm around his waist and tried to help him limp back along the Presidum. Between the two of them, they made a pretty sorry sight. Sort of the seriously wounded leading the seriously wounded.

"It's just something Joker said," Kaidan muttered. "About medigel..."

Shepard snorted inelegantly. "Let me guess – it had something to do with sex, too."

"He's predictable, isn't he?" Kaidan smiled.

"I like it," Shepard said consideringly. "Medigel. It certainly has...possibilities. Doctor Chakwas has a whole locker full of it. She also has those reserves of hers. I think she's got a lock on them, but I bet you could hack it..."

"The med bay is going to be full, commander."

"You're right," she nodded. "I'll go to my quarters instead. Of course, I'll still need a medic. Maybe you could come and check up on me."

"Is this..." Kaidan asked nervously, "...going to continue, commander? You and me, I mean."

"Do you want it to?" she said, looking up at him. She didn't realize she was holding her breath until he spoke.

"I'm not sure what we should be," he said, honestly. "But I look forward to finding out."

Shepard smiled.

"Me too," she said.

"Commander Shepard," a grating voice cut across the quiet of the Presidium. Shepard and Kaidan both stumbled to a stop as a slim, short shadow fell across their path.

"Khalish Al-Jilani..." the woman began.

"Miss Al-Jilani," Shepard frowned.

"It seems that you have made quite a mess of the station," the reporter said, casting a glance around.

"Care to explain how all this happened? When you're around, things tend to...explode, it seems."

Kaidan wondered that Shepard didn't shred the woman to pieces right there on the spot. The commander certainly looked like she was about to.

Shepard took two steps in until she was nose to nose with the reporter.

"You want to know what happened? I just took out a Reaper – yeah, a damn kill-all-life-as-we-know-it-Reaper of legend – and saved the galaxy. I'm headed back to my ship to congratulate my crew for what they just pulled off and then I'm going to get some medical attention. I've got four broken ribs, have been using biotics for ten hours straight, haven't slept in two days, am starving, and I need coffee. So if you try and stop me on my way to the docking bay, you won't have a smile left to flash at the camera."

Shepard held up a fist. The reporter blanched.

"Come on, commander," Kaidan murmured. He lightly touched her arm and Shepard dropped her clenched fist. She allowed Kaidan to slide his arm around her waist and help her limp away.

Behind her, Al-Jilani quickly turned to check her drone: "Did we get that? Specter threatens reporter... What? Standby? Dammit! I just missed... Shepard! Come back here – Shepard!"

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged a grin and walked back to the Normandy.


End file.
